Read between the lies,
it’s an acrostic poem that spells
dis appointment -
it’s over, stop.
Second chances and deceit
a move miscalculated,
glance back
we’re all racing one another
Hide it, mask the mistake
You can’t be a failure,
a screw up, now wait.
Comparison kills,
but I’m as good as dead
if I didn’t
pass the test.
It’s a paradox
I’m tired of trying to make sense,
my eyes are searching
and there’s too much to see
it hurts to figure it out,
it hurts not to.
I’m stuck in between.
I want to escape,
but I won’t let myself,
don’t trust my eyes to keep up with
50km/h
… tired of seeing.
I wasn’t born into a machine
but now i can’t live without
my mechanical shell;
my reflection sees more than I do
360º
and I’m turning back around
this
dead
end.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
So hey EnchantedPanda. I was just looking at the back of the Green Room when I found this so I'll be moving this out of the Green Room.
What I liked best was the fast pace of the progression and I enjoyed the rhythmical feels that it contained. Perhaps the slight roughness contributed, I don't know. I also agree with klennon14 below that the raw voice here was good. The last stanza was the strongest, at least in my opinion and I liked the rather harsh breaks in the last few lines.
My negative impression is that this is choppy. Well, maybe the poem is *meant* to be choppy, but some of the line breaks and the commas between phrases like "it's over, stop" made me halt a little while reading it.
Another cause of this choppy feeling I get is the imagery and thoughts here were doing hopscotch. It started with "test" to "paradox" to finally a "shell". I feel as if the poem didn't stay particularly long with the ideas and images presented here, contributing to the jumpiness. So what I suggest is to go a little deeper and more specific with the imagery so that you can form transitions from image to image.
Just a little side-note, I'm not sure what you mean by using "acrostic". At least in my knowledge, it is some kind of poetic structure and I guess that's what you mean. When I encountered the word, I searched this poem for an acrostic structure and there was none : (. If there is, please let me know!
PM me if you want to talk about this because I'm happy to do so!
amazing!
Hi there! Here for a review.
I really like the ending. That struck me the most out of anything. Those last four lines are great! Really leaves a lasting impression on the reader.
You also have such potent emotion throughout the whole piece, which I admire. There's something mechanical and precise about the way you've written this piece which matches and employs your theme of now living in your mechanical shell. There's also just something raw and simple about the style of writing you use here.
I think the structure of the poem could be smoothed out. I do think the different number of lines in each stanza works for this poem in particular, but there are some areas I'd make the line break earlier or later. But of course, that's up to you stylistically. You could leave the poem as is and it'd still be fine, but I feel like you could tweak a few lines here and there.
Overall, I think you did a wonderful job! I really enjoyed this poem.