Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Mystery / Suspense


Wink Murder

by Empires


Would you know if there was a killer among you? A wolf in sheep's clothing just waiting to howl out their sins?

I don't suppose you would. But neither did they.

Someone had closed the eyes. The horrified expression was now gone from the victim’s face. She looked to be asleep. You wouldn’t have believed it, if it wasn’t for all of the blood. How could so much blood come from one body? The holes in her skin told of a messy end. After the second shot, she was already dead. That's what a bullet to the brain will do. The other thirteen had been futile. The scene spoke of rage and hate. She was wearing a white wedding dress, but never quite made it to the altar. The body had been abandoned on the grey concrete train track. Now stained with red.

Night had fallen upon the train railway near the church, as the body lay there. She might have been pushed. Or maybe it was her escape? Perhaps she may have literally missed the train.

“What a sight,” said policeman Brian, shaking his head in disbelief.

“It looks like a blow to the head resulting in major blood loss. Unfortunately, she didn’t make it. But detective, there is still hope for you to find whoever was behind this homicide,” said the medical examiner.

“So, what do you conclude, detective?” Said Brian.

“Let us discuss this matter in my office. I have profiles of the victims, and I’ve identified two potential suspects. Her fiancée, John Wright, and the priest who was set to marry them.”



Victim:

Last seen wearing a wedding dress.

A young woman around 28 years of age.

Pale skin and fair hair.

Short in stature.

She met John Wright at a dinner party, since then no serious problems have been mentioned in their relationship.

Known as a vibrant, yet reserved woman who got along well with many people.

Reported to be a non-drinker. Though her glass was filled on the day of her wedding. Maybe the glass is always half full when it's filled with blood. An optimistic murder perhaps?



Priest:

Has been known to be a man of true faith.

He has been in the Priesthood for many of years.

Mature in age and life experience.

He has never missed a Sunday service yet.

A well-spoken man who is trusted by many, perhaps even too trusted.

Maybe four Hail Mary’s were enough to erase this sin from his conscience?



John Wright (Fiance):

An articulate man who speaks with a slight rasp.

He’s 34 years of age.

He doesn’t drink, but smokes a pack a day.

He had been single for a while due to his commitment to his job.

Had been in a long-term relationship with the victim, and was overjoyed to be marrying her.

Stated no issues in the relationship prior to the wedding.

But dearly beloved is now deathly beloved. Perhaps he loved her to death?





After all was investigated, there was a sharp and persistent banging on the door, as if the person's knuckles were about to cave into the room.

"Enter", said the detective calmly.

A police officer entered in a fluster, "Detective! The forensic evidence has been examined. There were no traces of the victim's fiancée or the priest found at the crime scene.”

The rain began to fall increasingly heavily, as though it were calling the culprit. The detective bit her lip, with her eyes dancing to every corner.

“I’m afraid that this murder will have to remain a mystery for the time being. And Mr. Wright, had you by chance arranged to marry another bride on your wedding?”

“No, of course not… Why do you ask?” Said Mr. Wright, puzzled.

“There was another bride seen on the day of your wedding”, said the detective, perplexed.

Lurking in the distance was a dark shadow-like figure dressed in a floor length, laced black wedding dress, with a dark veil which hid her face completely. Peering through the opaque veil revealed eyes of the palest watery blue, like a creature who's spent its life in a perpetual shadow. She was holding black roses, exposing her unnaturally long thin fingers, each like the tendril of a parasitic plant. She moved silently and solemnly as if the funeral march was her wedding song.

When the bride in black reached the altar, she pulled an eerie smile and uttered a cold whisper, “It should have been me”, and ghostly singing, “Here comes the bride.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
546 Reviews


Points: 29742
Reviews: 546

Donate
Mon Sep 18, 2017 9:56 pm
View Likes
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for a review :)

A police officer entered in a fluster
I don't really like 'in a fluster' here. Perhaps you could say, "His face flushed" or something along those lines?

After all was investigated,
This should be 'had been' instead of 'was'.

Peering through the opaque veil revealed eyes of the palest watery blue
This is an awkward way to word things. It might be better to say "The palest, watery-blue eyes peered through the opaque veil" or "If one were to dare to look through the opaque veil, one might see eyes of the palest watery blue gazing back".

In some of your longer paragraphs, you wrote a lot of short and choppy verbs that went Subject-Verb-Prepositional Phrases-Fluff(adjectives, adverbs, additional phrases, clauses, etc.) It would be a smoother read if you used only three or four larger sentences, maybe making some other sentences participial phrases or using semicolons to connect them, things like that.

I agree with Kara that the way you showed notes about those connected to the case could have been smoother. At the very least, incorporate it better by maybe saying "The detective pulled out a note card with some clues scribbled on it, and read aloud--". I would also recommend changing the spacing, since with the publishing format you get a wider space if you press enter, but if you press Shift+enter, it will give you a smaller space. It could have and should have been incorporated more seamlessly and less awkwardly.

But overall, the ending paragraph showed some very descriptive writing, and I think if you can maintain that style and quality for much of your writing, you should be good to go. There were a few grammar mistakes that you made, bu I wouldn't say any of them were enough to make me want to stop reading. Hopefully my suggestions there were helpful, and if not, let me know and I'll try to correct them so they do end up helping you out. Good luck with future writing, and until next time, please contact me if you have any questions.

Best wishes & RevMo cheer,
MJ




User avatar
364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

Donate
Mon Sep 18, 2017 9:13 pm
View Likes
zaminami wrote a review...



Hey, Empires! My name is Kara, and I am here for a (hopefully) quick review.

Honestly, I was a little confused as to the going-ons. I think it might flow better if the plot was BACKWARDS. This'll give a Memento feel to the story, and make it all the more interesting. So I'm going to review this like it's a backwards plot, to show you what I mean. I'll edit it into a spoiler, if you want, just using the sentences in your own words with my suggestions for you to copy and paste.

Give me your soul.

STOP! Grammar Time:



After all was investigated


Change "all" to "everything."

"Enter", said the detective calmly.


Whenever there's punctuation involved with dialogue, the punctuation goes inside of the dialogue. I will not point this out again.

fiancée


"fiancée" is spelled "fiancé."

Why do you ask?" Said Mr. Wright, puzzled.


Since "Why" is after three periods, it needs to be lowercase. Also, a tag word that is a pronoun or is HOW the person said it, it should be lowercase. I won't point this out again.

Suggestions:



Victim:

Last seen wearing a wedding dress.

A young woman around 28 years of age.

Pale skin and fair hair.

Short in stature.

She met John Wright at a dinner party, since then no serious problems have been mentioned in their relationship.

Known as a vibrant, yet reserved woman who got along well with many people.

Reported to be a non-drinker. Though her glass was filled on the day of her wedding. Maybe the glass is always half full when it's filled with blood. An optimistic murder perhaps?

~

Priest:

Has been known to be a man of true faith.

He has been in the Priesthood for many of years.

Mature in age and life experience.

He has never missed a Sunday service yet.

A well-spoken man who is trusted by many, perhaps even too trusted.

Maybe four Hail Mary’s were enough to erase this sin from his conscience?

~

John Wright (Fiance):

An articulate man who speaks with a slight rasp.

He’s 34 years of age.

He doesn’t drink, but smokes a pack a day.

He had been single for a while due to his commitment to his job.

Had been in a long-term relationship with the victim, and was overjoyed to be marrying her.

Stated no issues in the relationship prior to the wedding.

But dearly beloved is now deathly beloved. Perhaps he loved her to death?


I would actually make a picture with this, like an identification card that you would screenshot and then add onto here using the add image button. It'll make the story a LOT more interesting. If you want, I would do it as an extra project. I'm good at this sort of stuff.

Now stained with red.


I would move this sentence after the dress sentence. It just makes more sense.

The "backwards" plot is below. You can choose to, or not, to use it if you wish. I would ask for you to read it, however, to see what I mean:

Spoiler! :
After everything was investigated, there was a sharp and persistent banging on the door, as if the person's knuckles were about to cave into the room.

"Enter," said the detective calmly.

A police officer entered in a fluster, "Detective! The forensic evidence has been examined. There were no traces of the victim's fiancé or the priest found at the crime scene.”

The rain began to fall increasingly heavily, as though it were calling the culprit. The detective bit her lip, with her eyes dancing to every corner.

“I’m afraid that this murder will have to remain a mystery for the time being. And Mr. Wright, had you by chance arranged to marry another bride on your wedding?”

“No, of course not… why do you ask?” said Mr. Wright, puzzled.

“There was another bride seen on the day of your wedding,” said the detective, perplexed.

Lurking in the distance was a dark shadow-like figure dressed in a floor length, laced black wedding dress, with a dark veil which hid her face completely. Peering through the opaque veil revealed eyes of the palest watery blue, like a creature who's spent its life in a perpetual shadow. She was holding black roses, exposing her unnaturally long thin fingers, each like the tendril of a parasitic plant. She moved silently and solemnly as if the funeral march was her wedding song.

When the bride in black reached the altar, she pulled an eerie smile and uttered a cold whisper, “It should have been me," and ghostly singing, “Here comes the bride.”

-- {down below are as images}

Victim:

Last seen wearing a wedding dress.

A young woman around 28 years of age.

Pale skin and fair hair.

Short in stature.

She met John Wright at a dinner party, since then no serious problems have been mentioned in their relationship.

Known as a vibrant, yet reserved woman who got along well with many people.

Reported to be a non-drinker. Though her glass was filled on the day of her wedding. Maybe the glass is always half full when it's filled with blood. An optimistic murder perhaps?

~

Priest:

Has been known to be a man of true faith.

He has been in the Priesthood for many of years.

Mature in age and life experience.

He has never missed a Sunday service yet.

A well-spoken man who is trusted by many, perhaps even too trusted.

Maybe four Hail Mary’s were enough to erase this sin from his conscience?

~

John Wright (Fiance):

An articulate man who speaks with a slight rasp.

He’s 34 years of age.

He doesn’t drink, but smokes a pack a day.

He had been single for a while due to his commitment to his job.

Had been in a long-term relationship with the victim, and was overjoyed to be marrying her.

Stated no issues in the relationship prior to the wedding.

But dearly beloved is now deathly beloved. Perhaps he loved her to death?

-- {end as images}

Someone had closed the eyes. The horrified expression was now gone from the victim’s face. She looked to be asleep. You wouldn’t have believed it, if it wasn’t for all of the blood. How could so much blood come from one body? The holes in her skin told of a messy end. After the second shot, she was already dead. That's what a bullet to the brain will do. The other thirteen had been futile. The scene spoke of rage and hate. She was wearing a white wedding dress, but never quite made it to the altar. Now stained with red. The body had been abandoned on the grey concrete train track.

Night had fallen upon the train railway near the church, as the body lay there. She might have been pushed. Or maybe it was her escape? Perhaps she may have literally missed the train.

“What a sight,” said policeman Brian, shaking his head in disbelief.

“It looks like a blow to the head resulting in major blood loss. Unfortunately, she didn’t make it. But detective, there is still hope for you to find whoever was behind this homicide,” said the medical examiner.

“So, what do you conclude, detective?” said Brian.

“Let us discuss this matter in my office. I have profiles of the victims, and I’ve identified two potential suspects. Her fiancé, John Wright, and the priest who was set to marry them.”

Would you know if there was a killer among you? A wolf in sheep's clothing just waiting to howl out their sins?

I don't suppose you would. But neither did they.


Other than how confusing it was and the occasional dialogue issue, this was actually a pretty interesting story. I would ask if you would look at the "backwards" version and see if you like it. I mean, I like it, but I also like those types of ideas, so... I enjoyed this, as a ghost story and as a detective story as a whole.

Give me your soul already! --

Kara




Empires says...


Thanks for your review, I quite like it backwards also - I'll consider it :)



zaminami says...


You're welcome :D



User avatar
1727 Reviews


Points: 94060
Reviews: 1727

Donate
Mon Sep 18, 2017 5:24 pm
View Likes
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

I was not expecting that ending. I like that this turned into a little bit of a ghost story, but I think some foreshadowing would have helped. For example, if we had known earlier in the story that the police had seen another bride that day and were trying to find her to question her. Then we would have known there was another bride, but we wouldn't have known she was a vengeful ghost until the end.

Also, for such a short story, there were an awful lot of characters! I understand why the victim's fiance was a suspect - the significant other is pretty much always a suspect - but why the priest? Was he acting suspiciously in some way? Did he have a clandestine history with the bride? Or maybe she knew something that he didn't want anyone else to find out.

It also got a little hard to keep track of people (except the victim). We had the victim, her fiance, their priest, a medical examiner, a police detective named Brian, a female police detective, and one extra police detective, plus the ghost. Most of these characters aren't named - and the ones who are are barely in the story. When we got to Brian, I thought he would turn out to be the main character because he was the first person named...but he faded into the background, never to be mentioned again. Similarly, the fiance didn't show up until almost the end of the story (except for a police file labeling him a suspect), and the priest didn't show up at all (except for the police file). It made it difficult to know who in the story I should care about and whose viewpoint I was in.

This is a nice start to a spooky story, but we need a character to identify with, someone to guide us through to the ghost. Do you want to tell the story as a police officer investigating a murder? As a suspect who knows he's innocent? Maybe even as the victim herself, watching it all play out? Or do you want to show some combination? A combination - which it seems is what you were going for here - is harder, because you have to let us really get to know about each character. But letting us get to know them, instead of bouncing around between a dozen people, will make the story a lot more powerful.

This review courtesy of
Image




Empires says...


Thanks




'Hush, hush!' I whispered; 'people can have many cousins and of all sorts, Miss Cathy, without being any the worse for it; only they needn't keep their company, if they be disagreeable and bad.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights