((It's cliché ! Don't hate me!))
Sade's Folly
Sade, daring cupid of this tale,
Lay under a tree and its veil
Of rouge flower and gold leaf.
Who came to sit by his side?
Who else but his lovely bride,
Wishing the talk to be brief.
“I love another,” she said,
As Sade tried hard not to shed
A drop of unwonted tears.
“Tell me who! I need a name!”
He spoke, his voice full of pain;
Unashamed, he bared his fears.
“I cannot tell,” which is a lie,
“I would go to hell, when I die.”
The liar blushed like a rose.
The livid Sade took out his knife,
And stabbed his cheating, loving wife,
The liar laid in repose.
And, oh, how cupid cried,
“Why is it that she died?”
It’s the fault of a jealous groom.
He lay upon his lover’s breast,
And pulled the knife out of her chest,
Thinking that they could share a tomb.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
I loved this!
Your poem had great rhythm and I could follow it easily and understnad what you were trying to say the whole way through it!
I'm probably just repeating what everyone else has said but I have to say it all over because I really did love your poem!
I'm really not good when it comes to grammar but as I read your poem I couldn't make out any clear grammar mistakes which is a great plus.
I especially loved the way you closed the poem. The last line fitted extremely well with the rest of the poem so that helped with the flow of it. The flow of your poem was also, obviously, amazing! It helped me read it with ease.
To be honest it feelt like I was actually in the poem and I love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me!
Everything seems to work so naturaly as well which in my opinion is the most important thing when writing a poem. Your rhythm, the flow, the atmosphere of the poem. Everything just seemed so perfect!
Overall I adored your poem. It was dramatic, effective and extremely well written. I love your writing style and I can't wait to read some more of your work!
Keep writing!
Meg x-x
p.s I like the end lines rhyming third line with the sixth etc it ties in very well indeed
i think its beautiful. i dont say that much perhaps because I can be harsh, but I simply wish that i written it myself. I felt both their pains without you having to explain it, you did wonderfully well to show and not tell and at the end I am left torn between them and intrigued whether or not he will kill himself.
I liked the whole thing! Because it rhymes, I picture a child telling this story, like when a four year old walks into the kitchen while company's there, and recites every swear word they know. Cute, but a bit scary as well. Bubblewrapped hit the nail on the head for anything that previously needed fixing; now I don't think you should change a thing!
Again, another well written poem. Are you sure you are new to poetry? It seems like you've been writing for ages.
Great job!
This was great. It had the passion of a strong poem, aka, your others. It had the history of a thinking poem with mystery as well, and it had a very clever rhyme to it. I love it yet again. And do NOT tell me to be harsh like everyone else has. Trust me when I like something I say it. When I hate something, I do more than say it. And I love this poem. Great Job!
Ive just done a google of it and it doesnt appear to be any different. Stanzas and verses are the same, being English I probably call them verses because of different terminology.
Thanks! And, You are right, it reads better the way you gave it, but that is seven syllables, and It needs to be eight. Maybe I'll take a look at it and see what I can do.
Is there a difference between stanza and verse? I've always known them to be stanzas, but I know very little about poetry...
And pulled the knife out of her chest,
>> It would read better as
And pulled the knife from her chest
>>It just breaks up the difficult flow of that line a little. Nice poem, cliche yes but unique done in 3 line stanzas. Although why cant we just call them verses? lol.
Thanks everyone! I don't think I ever said that.
I edited what Bubs mentioned (I'm going to call you bubs from now on). And I noticed the I thing RR but, alas, I don't think its very fixable, and I'm partial to not changing it
The only lines I'm worried about are these:
The liar blushed like a rose.
The liar laid in repose.
But I realized that using an l-word twice in a line (Which I did on accident!) makes it interesting. Oh well, I'll see what everyone else thinks.
This question mark could be changed to an exclamation mark.
This is a really nice poem. I's unerving, but it tells a story really well.
RR*
OK, it works better now. There are a few lines which still strike me as awkward, mostly because of their structure:
Who came to sit by his side?
Who else? But his lovely bride,
Wishing the talk to be but brief.
OK, first, I dont think you need a question mark after "Who else" - grammatically, and for the sake of the poem, cause it implies a pause where there shouldnt be one. The last line ... well, I think the "but" should go from "but brief". It somehow doesnt seem right to me.
“I love another,” she said,
Causing Sade unneeded dread.
He held back unwonted tears.
You know I'm prejudiced against "dread" but now it's "unneeded" I'm picking on. Having both "unneeded" and "unwonted" in the same stanza seems like overkill. Maybe tweaking needed?
“I cannot tell,” which is a lie,
“I would go to hell, when I die.”
Her voice fell with a leaf.
Last line is pretty iffy. It sounds like "leaf" is intended to be an adjective or something, rather than, you know, a real leaf.
The livid Sade took out his knife,
And stabbed his cheating, loving wife,
Wheezing, she died a thief.
As a word, wheezing is singularly undignified and doesnt seem to fit with the otherwise romantic tone of the poem. Anything else you could use here? Also -- why does she die a thief? Do you mean, LIKE a thief? Or what?
He lay upon his lover’s breast,
And pulled the knife out of her chest,
Thinking that they could share a tomb.
I love this last stanza - the way you imply, but dont describe, his suicide, is really awesome.
Overall, this is a much better version
Cheers,
~bubbles
I edited to fit most of the above spoken needs
Or not...
If I may attempt to clarify that which I know but can't explain all that well for Bubbles? Take this stanza:
Who came to sit by his side?
None other than his lovely bride,
Wishing to talk but be brief.
<< and do this
Who came to sit by his side?
None other than his lovely bride,
Wishing the talk to be but bfief.
Just play like that with all the stanzas until it flows. If it flows, it reads fluidly (ok, duh), and doesn't sound or feel awkward to read it. In other words? Invert those sentences! have some fun! And don't worry too much about cliche yet, clean this up and play with it at the same time -- results should be interesting.
I really liked it! The rhythm was a bit...off but it seemed to work. At least in my opinion, though do take my crit with a grain of salt, I never write poetry of any kind XD.
May want to change the question mark to an exclamation point instead.I find this admission from the bride very interesting because it can be taken several ways. You can view it as the adultery with a male taking her to hell or to spice it up a bit make it a lesbian affair. But I'm just twisted like that. >:3
This is by far, my favorite part of the poem. I think it tied it together rather nicely and created a morbidly beautiful ending.
Cheers!
LUNA
Well, I guess by "tidy up" I mean, you need to keep the same number of beats/syllables in each line and establish a regular sort of pattern to accompany your rhyme scheme. You have most of it down pretty well, but there are some bits where you're a syllable short or long and it makes it read quite awkwardly. I would suggest that you try reading it out loud, and tapping out the rhythm (i.e. the stresses etc.) with your hand (if you're musical this shouldnt be much of a problem - it's like counting out the notes). Make sure that the number of stresses is the same in a kind of pattern, like, the first two lines are equal length, the last line is unequal (but equal to the other last lines). Um. If you see what I mean?
Sorry, I dont really know how to explain it better than that o_O
I like it! Of course, I don't know much about poetry, but I like it!
Probably only my third or fourth time reading narrative poetry.
I really liked this a lot, Claudette. It's a very sad story and you express it well.
It's not as song-like as it could be. I believe that has to do with having three line stanzas? (Is my vocabulary right?)
It's a bit difficult to read through because of this but it's certainly worthy. Just sometimes it feels like there should be another sylable here and there.
Very twisted ending. Heh. I don't see what's cliche about it.
As always,
Miss POKE
How would you suggest to "tidy up the rhythm"? I'm new to poetry, and poetry editing...
I'm glad you are...indifferent on it? At least it isn't horrible.
**blinks**
I kinda like it, and I kinda dont, LOL.
The rhyme scheme and rhythm seem a bit stilted; on the other hand, they lend a unique flavour to the cliche storyline which is quite appealing.
If you make the rhythm a bit tidier the rhyme wont be as choppy, and then I might be able to make up my mind about it, LOL. As a story poem, though, it is surprisingly direct, and refreshingly unsentimental. So kudos on that
Cheers,
~bubbles