Lunch Time

Well, Suzanne dear, that was certainly interesting.

Honestly, as disturbing as it may have been, I liked it. My only suggestion is to, perhaps, fiddle with it a bit -- try to make it dramatic. I think this idea would make a good dramatic poem.

You know how to contact me if you have any questions!

MERRY WRITING!
~Bella~

HASHSKhsdal/hsklahf!!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dark Humor Is Amazing. Anytime you write a darkly humorous piece, I'll critique it to death with as much amazement and amusement as possible, because love, I simply adore Dark Humor, and I haven't read such a good poem on here that was so darkly and inguinely humorous.

So, yeah. Incredible, beautiful job right over here. I love the last stanza... hilarious. And it rhymes wonderfully, too! I might just be a cannibal when I grow up after reading this poem.

"a hunk of skin" HAHAHA! Beautiful!

The rhythm of the first stanza was a key off, but otherwise, amazing. Innovative. Comic and genius. Excellent, excellent job!

Nice one Claudette. I love how the tone contrasts with the theme. I think some of your rhythm is a little off, though. Try reading it aloud so that you can get a sense of how it should sound.

I'd try:

"The girl of his dreams smelled like fruit.
Did she taste like it too?
She came for a drink, and he
began to cook some stew.

"Fingers, an ear, a hunk of skin.
No one would miss her much.
Two eyes, her nose, everything else:
He soon finished his lunch."

Think that works slightly better...anyway, hope this helps! This piece was fun!

Suzanne-


Rhyming is predicated off of syllabic equilibrium or pattern--this exhibits neither quality in a demonstratively satisfying way.

The topic does little to alleviate the mindnumbing boredom its rendition inspires.


Best,
Brad

Lol, this was awesome! I think the beginning could use a little more just because the rhyme seemed a little off at first but otherwise I really liked this. You are one crazy girl. *bites*

~Rieda

He liked to eat the ones he loved;
He liked to suffocate them.
If only for a little while,
he liked to try and date them.

The girl of his dreams smelled like fruit,
but did she taste like it too?
She came over for a drink, and
he started to cook some stew.

Fingers, an ear, a hunk of skin here.
No one would miss her much.
Two eyes, her nose, and everything else:
He soon finished his lunch.

I think the only way to classify your writings is "disturbed (disturbing?) whimsy." This certainly fits well enough.



Thanks for giving me something to giggle at during yet another mindless day at work. ^~

I much liked it, Clau, very nice rythem set, indeed. (i have trouble spelling that rythem word. grr...)

Anyway, I told you before, Clau: Cannibalism is bad for your health; don't do it!

Now, back to what I was going to do...

I noticed you said you had trouble with the final stanza. I could suggest some things, though I don't know how helpful my suggestions are when it's 1 in the morning. We'll give it a shot.

Fingers, an ear, a hunk of skin here.
No one would miss her much.
Two eyes, her nose, and everything else:
He soon finished his lunch.

xD I love it, Clau. It has the sing-songy feel of a nursery rhyme, only more morbid. I'm afraid to read it again- it's not something I want to have memorized.

I like how each stanza flows into the next, even though each is a slightly different subject. It's a perfect length, any more and I'd start feeling queasy, any less and it wouldn't be funny.

This line slowed it down for me: but did she taste like it too? It's the only question in the poem, so it seems out of place. Also, I think something might be off with the rhythm. The third lines of the other two stanzas have nine syllables, and this has seven.

Anyway. That's insane, in an awesome way. Like the corpse cake.

Claudette wrote:The girl of his dreams smelled like fruit,
but did she taste like it too?
She came over for a drink, and
he started to cook some stew. It's this last line that made me question the rhyming, though maybe it is more rhythem because obviously "too" and "stew" rhyme. "Started" seemed to just have a lot of sound associated with it? And "some" just had an odd sound to it. I don't know. I think it's technically alright, but it just sounded a little off the first time I read it through.

Fingers, an ear, a hunk of skin here. I like the ear/here thing in this line; it had a nice sound.
No one would miss her much.
Two eyes, her nose, and everything else:
He soon finished his lunch.I'm not sure if "much" really rhymes with "lunch"; I think that the "n" throws something off, but that's just my reaction, not based on anything else.

Okay then but this is just a suggestion...

Lunch Time

He liked to eat the ones he loved;
He liked to suffocate them.
If only for a little while,
he liked to try and date them. [I think this is a perfect beginning.]

The girl of his dreams, she smelled of fruit
but did she taste of it too? [I'd change like to of because it adds a nice ambiguity.]
She came over to have a drink and
he started to cook some stew.

Fingers, an ear, a hunk of skin here.
No one would miss her much.
Two eyes, her nose, and everything else:
He soon finished his lunch. [Much and lunch don't really rhyme. Perhaps you could change the second line and end it with much?]

*giggles*

Thanks guys.

I really would like to improve this though. Where does the rhyming seem forced? It might come off that way due to the rhythm. I do know the rhythm breaks pattern in the last stanza, which made me mad, but I couldn't find a way to fix it.

What are you hiding, Clau?

I know nothing of poetry, just saw this on the front page. So yeah.

-St. Razorblade

I have to agree that the rhyming is a little off in places but this is a rather funny little poem. I certainly wasn't expecting it to be about cannibalism when I read the title... looking at what other people have said, I clearly don't know you too well.

Anyway, I'll not nit pick this one because it strikes me as a 'just for fun' poem and it works just fine for that.

You know, I got halfway through the first stanza before I said to myself "Woah, wait a minute, what did that first line say?!"

I felt like the rhyming was a little bit stretched at times, but other than that, I think it's a good poem, albeit a tad distrubing.

^_^

hahaha

Hilarious. Disturbing, but hilarious, none the less.

the last verse works so much better now. Delightful peice. All I can say is 'cannibalism is bad, very bad... criminally bad!'

Claudette, dear, I think you need to cut down on the cannibalism.

It was a cute poem, nevertheless. The rhyming seemed a bit forced at times, but it was disturbing enough that I didn't mind.

...Claudette, this is not helping your claim that you are not a disturbed young lady.

You have a good rhythm going, and the rhyme helps the whimsy.

*laughs* There's really not much else I can say about this, except, "You cannibal!" XD

o.0

Haha, but I read this before, on Messenger. On a note purely on topic... I have to say I think you've been listening to too much Mein Tiel. Or watching too much Hannibal. (Good God, or watching Hannibal with a redux nouveau Rammstein soundtrack. ^_~) But I like this poem because it has such a joking air - and fits creepily well with your custom text.

Now I'm disconcerted.

But before I run off casting uneasy glances over my shoulder, I would like to point one thing out, here:

He liked to eat the ones he loved.
He liked to suffocate them.
If only for a little while,
he liked to try and date them.