i have to say i didnt feel anything at all
nothing hit me no feelings and what r feline fflowers?????????
z
Ms. Apt Diagnosis
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
........There, can you be free?
where the air is too black to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!
The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody,
choking face for a target and claim death,
though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?
It’s just natural…
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.
How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
For me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just natural.
i have to say i didnt feel anything at all
nothing hit me no feelings and what r feline fflowers?????????
"The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody,
choking face for a target and claim death,
though you haven’t even died."
I thought this stanza kind of tapered off and was out of place in this poem.
"Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?"
But then I felt you made up for it with your next lines. I really liked this.
This was a well-written piece and I especially love the ending lines:
"For me to kiss and for you to speak" -- This was really good! I also felt like you should have ended the poem here, instead of ending it with "It's just natural."
Those are just my suggestions because overall I really like this.
The title is great.Your language is brilliant as usual Clau. You have some beautiful phrases here. I especially liked;
"field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle"
and
"Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?"
I also like the repetition of the 'e' sound in "festering stress", and the internal rhyme of "where the air."
The enjambment is good and held my attention.
I think this is a little jerky in parts. Maybe try reading it aloud so you can get a sense of the sound. I hope you'll excuse me for playing with syllabyls and line breaks a little...it will be easier for me to show you what I mean;
"Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
........There, can you be free?
where the air is far/much too black to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry (suck dry what?)
[s]and[/s] your tortured tongue will swell a thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you [s]can’t[/s] cannot scream I’m fine!
The Doctors and the Gawkers use
your bloody, choking face
for a target and claim death,
even though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fish[s]ing[/s] for mine
in the sea of festering stress?
It’s just natural…
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones that
suffocate your speech. (This is a great sentence).
How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
For me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just natural." (The rhythm here is fine though I think the poem calmed down from hysteria too quickly.)
Hope this helps. Feel free to ignore my thoughts on rhythm, I've just adjusted it to the way I wanted to read it, but I acknowledge that now the layout may be a bit off...
Jas
You must think I'm a horrid person for not coming to critique your poem. But here I am. (The truth is that I hate you so much I could not bring myself to post until now. )
Forgive me if the critique doesn't make a lot of sense. I either have a 24-hour bug or allergies, and whatever it is, it's making me feel yucky.
Overall, I'm ambivalent...on one hand, I absolutely love your tone and most of your images. But on the other hand I know I'm missing something in my understanding of this poem. I know I'm not quite understanding it all the way, not the way you intended it, but I also can't identify the gaps. This is a completely unhelpful comment, I know...but I guess that's how I feel about it?
I'm not sure how I feel about "field of feline flowers". At first it seemed kind of silly, but I think I like the first and second lines very much together and not so much apart.Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
When you say "There" do you mean it like "There, there" or like "There in the field"?There, can you be free?
where the air is too black to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!
No to the line break between "bloody" and "choking"...it seems unnatural and visually disruptive to break between two adjectives. Actually, I don't even like the use of two adjectives. I'd take "choking" over "bloody" in a contest between the two. (What does this say of my personality, I wonder?)The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody,
choking face for a target and claim death,
though you haven’t even died.
Love the way you describe the fingers as "fishing" but when you get to "sea of festering stress" it's gone too far. That image is unhappy, and unhappy in a bad way, not like pleasantly unsettling or anything. There are much better uses for the word "festering".Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?
Here is where the poem got confusing for me.It’s just natural…
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.
Excellent ending! Best part.How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
For me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just natural.
Wow- sorry but I can't think of a better word to describe how I feel about reading this, (ironically, there is a word for that situation which escapes me at present...isn't life hillarious. Haha). How about...Whoa! We'll go with whoa for now.
So, um brillaint Suzanne. I even feel like a terrible fraud even contemplating trying to nit pick this when I can see no nits. Well, here goes.
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers I wonder if the feline displays the soft, playful love?
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle— Great use of texture/touch. It makes the poem more real. Something not done enough in my opinion.
........There, can you be free?
where the air is too black to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine! (I think this description is gory but effective nonetheless. It almost hurt to read it, especially about the vocal chords. There's real evidence of frustration.)
The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody, (The capitlization of Gawkers is great- I'm wondering if this is because they feel they have power, ownership to stare? Could be wrong)
choking face for a target and claim death,
though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress? (Superb imagery)
It’s just natural…
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.
How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
For me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just natural
(The kiss is unique, good job of that. It's used so often that it had almost lost it's meaning for me, but here it's original- the 'split' very powerful.
Let’s lie in fields of feline flowers 9
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle— 10
........There, can you be free? 5
where the air is too black to breath? 8
Your lungs will suck dry 5
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold, 10
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords 10
you can’t scream I’m fine! 5
The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody, 10
choking face for a target and claim death, 10
though you haven’t even died. 5
Can’t they see your fingers 6
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress? 12
It’s just natural… 5
But I can’t convince you to take that breath 10
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones 9
that suffocate your speech. 6
How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
For me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just natural.
Firstly; I love you. ^^
Now, your title is fantastic. It works with the poem and I think it makes sense, only change it if you feel you really must.
I like your structure here, Zeus, it’s interesting and a little different, always fun to see something a little separate from the norm. It also works well for the development of the poem itself. The poem makes sense and flows well, although I found
“where the air is too black to breath(e)” – add the “e” ^^
To be a little stilted. As a line it makes complete sense, and I think without it your next line loses a sense of reality, but the line itself was a little hard to wrap around.
“but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!”
Here, you’re second line is losing something. I think it’s lacking some syllables, perhaps “cannot” may work better here? It’s only a suggestion, but your line lengths are off here.
“The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody,
choking face for a target and claim death,”
Here, I love the capitalization of “Doctors and Gawkers” – it’s more powerful for it, and the image is wonderful. However, I find that “bloody” is superfluous, do you need it with “choking”? If you can, or if you like, I would suggest losing it.
I love your repetition of “It’s just natural” it works so well considering the unnatural nature of the images. Your imagery is lovely, particularly your first lines;
“Let’s lie in fields of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—“
I think this is wonderful, I can almost feel the grass and see the flowers. ^^
The words you use are well placed, and well thought out. With the exception of the above they all add (even the above does) to the poem and help it gain a new level. Your voice is quite good. I feel for the woman – it feels like a woman, if that’s okay? The emotion comes through well, the tone and the ease of the words help with this, and you develop the poem and the narrative well. The reader seems to be allowed to feel in the little bits, while you give us all we could ever need.
The ideas themselves, now I can see the overall image, of a man – or perhaps woman, although I feel it to be a man. xD – dying, slowly, because he refuses to take that breath. The one, simple breath that’s natural but not. And everyone thinks he’s past it, there’s no point, he’s dead, although he’s still grasping at the sky as it were, wondering why his lungs won’t work. So, that’s what I see, and feel, come the end of the poem. Which is a lovely thing – truly being able to find, comprehend and identify a meaning and true narrative in a poem.
You don’t fail at poetry at all, this is lovely. I think there could be some alterations here and there, but it has meaning, words and an image. ^^ So, I think you’re a quite good poet. No lying here. Completely deserving of life. ^^
Keep writing, Zeus!
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Wow Suz!
I like this! Especially the first and last stanzas!
And the questions you use just make it even better!
Awesome job like always!
~Lulu
"That's perfectly fine, though! You need not get from the poem what I intended, in fact, I like that you say you get something else. As long as you feel/think something, then I am satisfied with what I did. "
"I'm glad to hear no overwhelming "This sucks!", as well."
####
That's the right attitude
Everyone is rough on their own work but certainly no one could say that this sucks because it most definitly does not!
Besides, if one person said that they would probably be jealous from a creative point of view. Jealous of your talent. I know that I most definitly have been jealous of something someone else wrote before and thought, "Why couldn't I think of that?"
But sometimes I just appreciate things for what they are, as I did here.
AND also to add to that, one person's opinion is very different from the next.
Never forget that.
Thanks for listening.
TP!!
Wow...wow..wowo... Yep that's my reaction in a nutshell this is amazing. The title never expected something like this. It's perfect, I found no problem wonderful imagery and brilliant word choice. God.
Overall: I'm sorry I can't say much but this earns a star in my opinion. This is really exellently written.
Good luck
VSN
I loved your imagery.
Let’s lie in fields of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
........There, can you be free?
where the air is too black to breath?
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.
Thank you both, very much. ^^ MRM, I'm not sure I understood everything you were speaking of. You may receive a pm from me asking questions.
At to Tennis Princess:
That's perfectly fine, though! You need not get from the poem what I intended, in fact, I like that you say you get something else. As long as you feel/think something, then I am satisfied with what I did.Your ideas are your own and from this piece I probably assumed something totally different than the actual meaning behind this.
I am glad you say it fades, because that is what I had intended. I'll have to read over it a few times, though, and see whether it could do without.the "..." make the sentence kind of fade into oblivion for me and perhaps they should be taken out.
They just don't fit in the flowing of this for me.
This is a fairly good piece.
You had some reat words of visualization and did a good job at making me see your thoughts.
However; I dislike when people automatically assume they knew what another was writing of.
In my mind I think, "How the hell should I know what they're talkinh about really?"
Your ideas are your own and from this piece I probably assumed something totally different than the actual meaning behind this.
Also, I feel like here:
"It’s just natural… "
the "..." make the sentence kind of fade into oblivion for me and perhaps they should be taken out.
They just don't fit in the flowing of this for me.
However; I shall give you the benifit of the doubt and say that I loved the way you ended.
Usually I hate repetition but here, for some reasons with the emotions and vibe I got from this it just really seemed to fit.
Great piece here.
8/10
feline flowers? ( i wonder if this alludes to dandelions)
I wanted to read the line as "where you can be free" but i see how the way you have it gives it a certain twist.
"No gasp to scrape your vocal chords" is an interesting image. It's kind of difficult to imagine or awkward. I would keep it.
simplify this line to "You have not died" What does "Fishing for mine" refer to? Your fingers?
Why is Gawkers capitalized? does this refer to something? It's pretty interesting to analyze and determine what it means.
And this last note is just for aesthetic appeal. I like the way you have it but experiment with "It's only natural."
I like it overall still. Maybe i was being too nit-picky. But I really enjoyed reading it.
Points: 890
Reviews: 12
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