Young Writers Society

I liked the last stanza
Its what had caught my eye the most
For some reason I always like the ends of poems

For some odd reason I get the feeling you wrote this while doing dishes... Beautifully written with great comparisons. You really do have a talent here.

You're silver plated, too.
Oh, how you shined when we met
but underneath, you were a rusty nail
trying to give me lockjaw with your fists.

With a knife I can peel skin, remove veins,
and keep going until I find something brighter
than blood, more meaningful
than a soul, more real than pain itself.
My epitheliums won't know what sliced them.

Ah, this is just so adorable. You really capture emotion! I would love to give you some advice on how to improve it, but...I'm lost for words

Interesting, as I personally find that people tend to write without any type of humor. That, surprises us all as Humor is simply a higher form of Joy and Sorrow, and Joy and Sorrow are constantly repeated subjects in Dramatic Poetry. The humor adds not only more joy, but the type of line in a poem one might become famous for due to the sheer wit.
A great poem*****

epitheliums

Cool. I havn't heard that word since Biology 101. But a strange place to use it, though I kinda thought it fit perfectly, made the poem have this strange undescribable feeling to it. Like a sophisticated educated horrificness to it.

"but underneath, you were a rusty nail

trying to give me lockjaw with your fists."


I don't know whether to criticize this or let it be. Because it sounds like everything said was meant, sounds like nothing written was a mistake. So I'm going to let it be and be on the lookout for something new from you.

Suzanne, you've done it again! This poem was, I think, one of your best. It was so sharp, and detailed, and wonderfully, delightfully dark. I am enamored with the whole idea, comparing your adored love to a set of silverware, only in the end deciding that the silver will do. Wonderfully executed. Brilliant, meaningful poem, like black chocolate. It was sleek, stylish.

than a soul, more real than pain [s]itself[/s].

Suzanne,

This poem didn't exactly hit me, I didn't feel much emotion coming from it. The title of it made me think, but it didn't shout out to me BRILLIANT! It was quite a poem I must admit. The ending was powerful, but what was I suppose to feel behind it? Power? Hate? Betrayel? A lover that was lost? I'm sorry dear and I do hope this isn't harsh but I just wanted to know why did this person make you feel this way? How did they make you feel this way? I hope this was the least bit helpful my dear. Best of luck and keep writing.

Your friend as always,
-Max

This poem is really poigniant and the imagery is very powerful.

I love the idea of the changing person and the rust underneath. It's great!

*gasps* wow, me like...

Right, time to start speaking in proper sentences. Basically, your poem did to me what I've started noticing a lot in good poetry- it hit me slap-bang in the middle of somewhere. That *gasp* up there is genuine; I was moved by the power of this piece.

Power, because you guide us in gently, with some lovely lines ('The silverware shines/ like your eyes when we first met') before hitting us in the kidneys with the poem's true venom. Power, because the imagery is deeply shocking and horrifying, without resorting to gross-out tactics ('and keep going until I find something brighter/ than blood, more meaningful
than a soul, more real than pain itself.') Power, because you pull no punches ('with a knife I can peal skin, remove veins'). Power, because it's real.

Who would have thought a poem that's basically telling someone they're a bastard would be so powerful?

Just one thing I didn't like, but it's tiny: the word 'epitheliums'. It irritates me because it's a mouthful and sounds too technical when you could have used the word 'veins' instead. But maybe I'm just stupid

Anyway, great work

Simple Good!

The things I liked:
1.The writing style.
2.The comparison silver ware-love.
3.Simplicity of the whole piece.
4.Dramatic ending.

The only difference:
silver wears off you in minutes.
These knives will last me 'til death.

It's original which for me practically ensures some level of enjoyment.

Okay to start: two grammatical things.

With a knife I can peal skin, remove veins,

My epitheliums won’t know what sliced them.

I think the knives are more you than you were.

Wow... Silverware being compared to love is a new one for me... I thought it was kind of morbidly beautiful! It was short, but very to the point... It took a second to get the voice for it though... At the beginning I felt the voice seemed kinda like an "I Miss You" sorta deal, but then the farther along I got it seemed more like a "Get the hell away and stay away"

Overall I liked it though!

This is very strong, very strong indeed. It seems like your poetry always has a solid backbone..if you understand? It's not all airy-fairy. It's real. It's raw.

So I loved the idea of silverwear being the love interest, and the descriptions were increasingly vivid throughout the piece.

The silverware shines
like your eyes did when we first met. (Lovvved this. So simple- but great!)
Who’d have thought soapy spoons, forks, and knives
would remind me so much of love?
I think the knives are more you than you were. (Good concept raised, well developed in S2.)

With a knife I can peal skin, remove veins,
and keep going until I find something brighter
than blood, more meaningful
than a soul, more real than pain itself.
My epitheliums won’t know what sliced them.(The knife is the lover peeling away the speaker's outer layers...? "More real than pain itself" is a good image. I felt it.)

You’re silver plated, too.
Oh, how you shined when we met— (Repetition expertly used)
but underneath, you were a rusty nail
trying to give me lockjaw with your fists. (Stong, gutsy language)

The only difference:
silver wears off you in minutes.
These knives will last me 'til death. (Excellent ending)

I really love it. The idea is interesting and well expressed.I especiallu enjoyed;

"Who’d have thought soapy spoons, forks, and knives
would remind me so much of love?"

and

"but underneath, you were a rusty nail ".

The first two stanzas in particular are brilliant.

Jas

A lovely analogy, very descriptive, I never thought that silverwear could have so much emotion and affect! This is really great to read, very nice. I loved it!

I can't really fault any of it, so I'll just point out the things that worked best.
The third stnza is the best by far, i loved the ideas that you have shown, and way they've been told. It ties in together very well, and the progression is very easy to follow. so, yeah, there's nothing I can really fault. I love reading your poetry, even if I don't always critique it, but then, they'd all be like this one!

Thank you for a great, thoughtful reading experience, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Oh, wonderful darling! I've always enjoyed your poetry and this is a particularly fine example of your particularly fine work. Your use of 'technical' terms, such as "epitheliums" and "lockjaw" are nicely used, and I love the parallelism you work between this guy and the silverware, bringing in different aspects, keeping the symbolism fresh and very accurate. I like the way you italicized that "Oh, how you shined"--the perfect sarcastic touch there, and you set the tone for the reader very early with "I think the knives are more you than you were." Overall, very balanced, a good rhythm, and an original idea carried out with your typical grace and talent.