[A/N: I'm working towards gathering three of my best poems for a large poetry contest. This, though my longest piece, I believe is also my strongest. Please help me better improve myself and get closer to publication and money!]
The Weight of Suicide
The weight of life lies heavy on her shoulders.
The body, the breath,
the very beat that keeps her living
are the chains of her soul.
This act of life, this perpetual breathing!
It is at first too much,
then too worthless, to pursue.
It’s easier to make a final effort
so as to rend all apart.
However, even the apathy which leads her on
is too strong to allow this,
or the moment has passed, restrained for now.
All things are still seen through
the arduous sloth of time:
I was, I am, I will continue to be
but time also marks if she will end
and, if, when? When will the thoughts again soak
the once cheerful mind and leave it to drown?
She can feel the passage of time
as well as she can feel time’s tension grow in her chest:
she cannot go on, there is nothing—
save this tension to stop, to die,
to never have lived.
Each breath (how it once was precious)
takes so much energy.
Still – the apathy has too much weight.
If she were to find a way, reduce apathy
to a frightened child and take a final action,
what weight would I feel?
There is, first, the weight never felt:
a hand in hand, a hug, a sob,
the weight of sleep after a long night awake,
listening to heavy music and whispering.
The addition of the weight of hello
and the weight of the experience
results in the total weight of goodbyes.
This weight, however, is a lighter one
for we would both know it is not the last farewell.
And what never felt?
The smooth press of hands compared,
for mine are a child’s and hers,
I would assume, resourcefully long;
the weight of words, or silence between us,
and the blissful burden on our hearts.
Love – it is so heavy!
Then there is the weight of what follows;
not hers, but mine and all others.
Tears weigh nothing upon the cheek,
an angel’s feather at most,
but inside the eye and waiting—
oh, how I could not bear to hold such a weight!
Smiles are heaviest when false
and their weight, perhaps,
would prove to be the worst.
Her weight (all ropes severed)
would become my own,
like an animal who burrows between
my chest to make home of my heart
and feast of my misery.
With a weight such as that,
perhaps I, too, would strive through my apathy
to cut strings and be most inactive.
It is not so.
No, the desired weight was not presented
and no loss has taken place.
Still time is heavy, still darkness lurks,
though lulled or changed for a different kind.
The weight not removed, nor successful;
she still carries it and it still lies on her.
That soul, that lock, that key
which keeps her from breathing a final breath -
perhaps it is mine to hold?
Perhaps there are other things,
like love, which weigh heavy
in the opposite direction.
Does my love not have weight?
Certainly it does. I must hope, then,
all weight being considered upon the scale,
that love weighs more than earthly hell.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
I liked what I read! I am pretty tired so I didn't really catch all the deep details, but from what I caught it was extremely emotional! Is this going to be read to an audience? If it is, then it would make a great story to read to an audience!
Hola there ^ ^
First, may I say this poem was awesome. It's not a "woe-is-me" kind of poem that a teen might write ya know? And there's one line that, in my opion, I think was just awesome.
Too true. I'm normally not a reader of such heavy poetry like this. Though this seems a lot like a monologue {I'm not sure if I spelled that right}. As if the narrator saw this happening and might take the first step in trying to save the girl.
Hello everyone! Thank you a thousand times over for the reviews. They were all greatly appreciated, and for the most part, where criticism was given I agreed with it wholly and will be finding time soon to improve where it is needed.
However, I have just a few questions for my dear reviewers...
Could you tell me how/where is was superfluous so I could figure out whether or not it needs actual improving there?
Is there any chance I could get you to point out lines which dragged on, or to the metaphors? And, for the metaphors, could you explain your critique a bit more? You were a little too vague for me to find it completely useful, so I'm asking more questions.
Again, thank you guys so much! I'm glad it doesn't have too many problems, or I'd be real sunk.
Just a quick one- I'm afraid I won't be much help.
Well... you beat the cliche: as soon as I saw the title I was worried, but you definitely surpassed the normal angst-ridden teen crap that you see a lot of nowadays.
I feel like you actually get the concept of suicide, where I commend you for your thought,
Ummm... no real nit-picks.
It was really really solid in the concrete sense, clarity was perfect and the message was very strong. I would however like to see the clarity drop a tad: obscurity makes the reader think more, and engage them more with the poem. Also, some assymetrical metaphors would stop the piece from seeming repetitive and linear.
And just with my experience with contests, suicide is generally a bad topic: especially when dealt with so directly as in this. I think people are scared to confront the issue or something, but in my experience, it is generally not too high-placing.
I really like it though
Wow..just wow! I love how it was written! Very well written and I loved it.
I love this. I love this whole thing but this in particular really got me <3
Very well worded, my dear *huggles*
This seems more to me like a monologue....thats just me.
Very deep in language and imagery, I could see the subject struggling in the mental corner they felt they were trapped in.
I loved this peice actually, hah, I just went over it again and I find it a very good work.
A few lines seemed dragged on however, and others tried to pose some strange metaphore and image that kind of sent me away looking for an actual comparison.
Very well done, star
Bonjour!
I believe 'tis a great poem. You have handled your subject matter well and, as Eimear says, have expressed some deep truths; this is the kind of poetry that I admire, the kind that throws new light upon the old and everpresent.
The repeated motif of 'weight' is powerful and forms much of the tension throughout the piece, but I think it would be better if you used it more sparingly and perhaps obliquely. Excessive repetition can get tiring after a while and the word begins to lose its meaning; say more with less! If you kept out of using 'weight' except for a couple of instances where it seems really appropriate, and substituted it for other words like 'density' maybe (I see on re-reading that you have written 'blissful burden,' which is all very well, but the alliteration doesn't quite come through.), it will retain its significance in the context of the poem.
I also thought the poem was a tad superfluous, but as plenty of other people enjoyed it, it might be that I just prefer shorter poems. You might want to concentrate on a few really brilliant images though, and develop those for greater impact.
Hope this helps! Well done, and good luck!
Gahks
8/10
I loved this!
It was really depressing but I still loved it. It was so dramatic and it really made me think about suicide and what you were saying.
I'm not a very good critique so I wouldn't take my review to seriously! But even though that is true I will try to do the best I can to review you poem!
This poem was incredible in my opinion. It's full of hope, love, hate, mistrust and truth. It was truly gripping and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
It almost felt as if I was the main character of your poem and I absolutely love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me.
I definitely agree with what Eimear said. The first line of the poem was an excellent opener and you did do something that many other poets find hard to do by saying little but saying a lot. You should definitely be proud of that!
I didn't really understand the poem much but that is only because I'm not very good at reviewing and I get confused easily. The better the poem the more I seem to not understand it!
Overall, I adored your poem!
I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing
Meg x-x
Hey Suzanne. You won't believe what just happened to me. I just wrote a review to this- and then my computer decided to go to sleep and shut itself down. So not only did I lose the review before it was posted, but many of my ideas that I had about the wonderful poem here.
Second time lucky!
I'm not an expert on suicide poems, I don't write them, I rarely understand them fully, therefore I entered this with trepidation. I doubted the extent to which a critque from me to you could help. My opinion was changed. What I found when I read this was not simply a poem on suicide, but an examination on the human condition itself. I found doubt, mistrust, hope, fear, love. I found a heavy, heavy piece of work which reminded me of Plath- not simply for it's subject matter, but for the way you unblinkingly drew from inside you the very essence of a person's thoughts. I found truth.
In the first line, you managed to do what many poets find hard to do in an entire poem. You have a gift of saying very little, and saying a lot. The girl is exhausted. The speaker can see the physical and emotional pain. In a simple line you made a snapshot for the reader to ponder over.
The next few lines I felt lost a little of that energy.
I would have re-worked this:
Into this:
Recoil in horror at my suggestions, by all means!
The next stanza deals with the girl's conflict about ending her own life, does it not? What I got from it was that although she is in a very dark place, the sheer memories she had of her life before it went sour are enough to drive her into indecision. Does she really want to die? I don't know. Is she scared of doing it?
This line held special significance to me:
The point of view the poem was written in interested me the most. The speaker interested me the most, I should say. Because I can't make my mind up about them. I know they admire and love the subject- but are they fully happy in being the role of spectator? They want to be the savour, but they feel like they fall short of being able to fully help. I think it was this line that brought me to that conclusion- this line, which rings of greatness, I might add.
Referring to their own hands as like a child's seems to suggest that they feel inadequate of understanding or helping their friend through the turmoil. Despite this, they can't seem to keep away. This is where I began to think about conflicting forces- or weights, as you used. The weight of suicide on the girl is strong, but the on-looker, or speaker, or friend- or whatever we want to call her is troubled by the hope that maybe their friend is governed by another force- the force of love for them. This is what I found most devastating, and I use this not in a totally pessimistic sense, about the poem.
The fact that the speaker feels that they are, as you put it, the key to bringing their friend out of darkness, but are riddled with doubt. They aren't totally sure if the weight of the love between them is stronger than the internal weight the girl has of depression or apathy.
If there ever was a rhetorical question in a poem, that was it. Superb.
I liked the resolution in the last few lines. I feel like I as a reader went on a journey, as did the speaker. I really connected with this poem. I don't even know why. I know this is a very imperfect review, in fact, it's quite a bad one, but let me tell you this-
That was one good poem.
I don't have better words than that.
I love you and keep writing sadly and beautifully.
Your unworthy friend,
Eimear
This is amazing! The poem is very deep and it looks like you put a lot of effort and soul into this piece. I honestly couldn't find anything that seemed uneasy or wrong to me. It all seems to flow from one line to the next. Keep up the good work!