I am I am I am I am

I think I'm missing something, so I'm not sure how much use my review will be to you, but I'll give it a shot. I love the first line, it really drew me in, and the constant narration is a nice touch. If you take the narrator as the speaker, it's very effective with the subject, but I'm not sure that's how you intended it to be read... I really love the last three lines of the first stanza. The longer sentences work well with how the speaker is talking herself down.
I love the second stanza. The insertion of the action is interesting, and I love the alliteration of "vindicating verbs" and "nefarious nouns". They emphasize the notion of someone trying to articulate their essence, but managing to be overly-reductive in the process. I love "and they could read it aloud!", especially how the excitement added by the exclamation mark is erased in the talking-down of the next line.
I don't really get the third stanza, but that's my fault rather than the fault of the poem. I really like "and what use is it to tell
the grass, when the grass never replies",
and the frustration of the final line of this stanza is very effective.
In stanza four I'd try "a poem or speech" and "the letters and words"...I just think it flows slightly better. I think that line three can be stronger. Maybe try something like;
"and even which direction they take". I love the next six lines. I think I'd berak the next line in two, before "where."
I think that the last stanza is a little weak in comparison with the rest of the poem, mainly in the last two lines...I get that they're important...maybe try laying them out differently, isolating them as;
"only...now that I know which method to use,
I don't know exactly what I am."
I think I'd put the last line in a smaller font. It would mirror the meekness of the speaker in defeat, and go with how you've been playing with capitals and layout and exclamation points during the rest of the poem.
Hope this helps!
Jas

Hey Suze!

I like it! It has a lot of you in it. It's modern, as someone above me said, which kind of makes it somewhat unique, somewhat.

Line by line?



if only I could scream louder,

she thought to herself, loved the italicization here.

they might know what I really am.

I could scream, scream, SCREAM increase in size was good

until my lungs burst –

oh, but that wouldn’t do any good.

the blood would drown my meaning, so here i'm a little confusing... the blood would drown my meaning? does that connect with the glass imagery in the next line? because i connected it in my mind, and that's not good. even if you didn't mean it to be connected--or if you did--i don't think it's good to have them sitting next to each other.

and no one would see the bottom of the glass. i am also very dubious about this image. somehow, when i think of the bottom of the glass, or seeing a glass, i think about half-full or half-empty... so this image confused me, and i didn't like it really... at all.


perhaps I could write a letter

to the nearest radio station,

finding her ballpoint pen, i didn't like the transition here. i guess it was too extreme, y'know? unlike the first one, this is a repetition and it's also not as startlingly original... maybe connect the line with -- or ; or () or [] or maybe just a period would suffice and then a comma at the end.

with vindicating verbs and nefarious nouns

explaining myself to a T:

I really am…

and they could read it aloud!

no, no, I should do it all on my own. i don't like this line... it's kind of... cheesy? i guess?



the rest is pretty good. i liked the whole idea of the i am i am i am. i also very much liked your word choice and many of your techniques were used well, like the zig-zaggy cramps and the italics and the size technicalities. i actually agree with ducati about this being more experimental than an actual poem... however, it was enjoyable to read and although not perfect, it certainly did hold a quirky charm as ducati said, a neat modernity.

Pretty good, and I don't usually get/review potery! *GIVES GOLD STAR!*

I loved this. It is one of those new, contemporary poems with hidden meanings and wonderful words. Your rhythm was perfect, and I liked how you put in her movements as well as her thoughts. I didn't really care for the first few lines in the first stanza, but the last contained excellent metaphors.

As for the formatting, well, I loved it. I don't think it is going overboard. It reminds me of The Princess Bride by William Goldman. Whenever someone fell it was :
DOWN

DOWN

DOWN

etc.

It just makes reading it more fun, having this creative kind of format.

Anyway, I loved it. Good work. I'm giving you a gold star!

~Sunny

Haha, this was cute. I liked it.

Suzanne wrote:I am I am I am I am

if only I could scream louder, Capitalize if.
she thought to herself,
they might know what I really am.
I could scream, scream, SCREAM
until my lungs burst –
oh, but that wouldn’t do any good.
the blood would drown my meaning,
and no one would see the bottom of the glass. Wonderful metaphor.

perhaps I could write a letter Capitalize perhaps.
to the nearest radio station,
finding her ballpoint pen,
with vindicating verbs and nefarious nouns Flawless alliteration.
explaining myself to a T:
I really am…
and they could read it aloud!
no, no, I should do it all on my own. Capitalize no.

what if I whispered to the grass? Capitalize what.
no use, I know well what happened Capitalize no.
to poor Midas! and what use is it to tell Capitalize and.
the grass, when the grass never replies,
but only goes around telling falsities
about the truths it has been told?
no use, no use, the grass is no use! Capitalize no; and I'm not too sure if the repetition works.

I could write it like a speech or poem,
choosing the words and letters with great care,
and even which direction they go in.
holding the paper at an angle, Capitalize holding.
for|straight|is|too|uncomfortable, Not too sure I like the odd seperations.
yet
...............zig-zags
.....cramp
my
...............hands. I love this. And now I know the secret to formatting!
no matter, I should start where it is most important: *Sighs* Must I tell you again? Capitalize no.
I am I am I am I am!

yes! a poem would be just right. Capitalize yes and a.
I wouldn’t even need to speak,
but instead everyone could read: Replace the comma in the above line with a semicolon and niz the but.
I am I am I am I am Comma after this line.
as if they were inside my brain. Instead of they, try saying the words.
sighs and puts down pen, Capitalize sighs and put a period after pen.
only, now that I know which method to use, Capitalize only.
I don’t know exactly what I am.

---

I easily went too far with formatting but it was much too fun and it felt right! This is out of the norm for me and slightly nonsensical, and yet it does have a deeper meaning if one looked hard enough. I'm not sure it's enjoyable, but I enjoyed it.

I think I shall start with a line by line lest you should get lost in my rambling comments =)

I am I am I am I am

if only I could scream louder, [Any particular reason why there's no capital letter for if? It should have one ^^]
she thought to herself, [At first I thought this was redundant but I've warmed to it the second time reading through and it actually adds very well to the style of the poem and starts to bring the reader into the spirit of it. Could you possible extend it just a touch though? The beat should be just that little more uppity and I think it would really benefit from a few more one syllable words. Like 'She thought to herself in her room']
they might know what I really am. [I think this should be more decisive, possibly 'they would hear what I am!']
I could scream, scream, SCREAM [I liked the repetition here and normally I would revoke your poetic license for that last word but used sparingly you'll get away with it and it will have a positive impact.]
until my lungs burst – [Good use of punctuation and nice choice of word in burst. You've got a very strong voice and the change of tone is done perfectly.]
oh, but that wouldn’t do any good. [Maybe colon here? If not, capital for the please? Going to stop asking now I promise XD But really do consider keeping the grammar rules.]
the blood would drown my meaning,
and no one would see the bottom of the glass. [Lovely image.]

perhaps I could write a letter
to the nearest radio station,
finding her ballpoint pen, [This is a little jerky. It would flow more smoothly if you reiterated the same format from before. You could easily mold those two lines into one, like 'Perhaps I could write to the radio']
with vindicating verbs and nefarious nouns
explaining myself to a T:
I really am… [I'd suggest removing this line. I think you was going for a build up but I love the idea of your narrator not even getting that far, not even going half a line into the actual correspondence until the realisation at the end.]
and they could read it aloud!
no, no, I should do it all on my own. [Not quite so smooth a change in tone. Maybe 'But no, no. I should do it all on my own.']

what if I whispered to the grass?
no use, I know well what happened
to poor Midas! and what use is it to tell
the grass, when the grass never replies, [Please change replies to responds. Maybe you intended the reader to expect lies on the next line but it really halts the flow of the poem and it threw me. It's difficult to read one word when your mind insists it should be another.]
but only goes around telling falsities
about the truths it has been told?
no use, no use, the grass is no use! [Excellent stanza =)]

I could write it like a speech or poem,
choosing the words and letters with great care, [Not sure this line really says much? There needs to be a line here but it doesn't need to be this one and I'm missing the rash side of your persona but the more careful tone is good character development.]
and even which direction that they go in. [Then it matches syllable counts with the first line. But I'm thinking it might be better to re-word a little rather than add that which is the cheater's way. Try to get that syllable count up? It's worth it to aid the flow.]
holding the paper at an angle,
for|straight|is|too|uncomfortable,
yet
...............zig-zags
.....cramp
my
...............hands. [I applaud you for going too far with the formatting XD]
no matter, I should start where it is most important:
I am I am I am I am!

yes! a poem would be just right.
I wouldn’t even need to speak,
but instead everyone could read:
I am I am I am I am
as if they were inside my brain.
sighs and puts down pen, [I don't like this action? Before it's always been before the change in tone and a nice aside or a tangent. This line just doesn't really fit. I can't quite say why but I dislike that you say she sighs. I liked the use of her words an word patterns to show us one of her switches.]
only, now that I know which method to use,
I don’t know exactly what I am. [I'd like you to convey more emotion through this line. How does the persona feel about that? It strikes me as quite important. If she thinks it's actually quite amusing, an up-beat flow will do but if she's rather perplexed, a slower, more wordy line. You've done great at showing us her thoughts and personality through the changed in format and wording earlier so please don't stop short of the last line!]

Thank you two so much! Especially Ducati. I took some of your opinions right to heart and I've already edited (though in my own way) and a few of them I'm waiting for other thoughts. I can be quite stubborn regarding certain things, hehe.

I do have a question for you two, and other readers: why does it seem so much like an exercise and not an actual poem? I certainly did write it with the intention of it being an actual poem. It just (and I know this clearly) lacks great, horrendous meaning on the surface. It's more like a contemplation or emotion slapped onto the paper - but it wasn't, to me, an exercise. I'm mainly curious what aspect leads you to think this and if it can be changed.

Again, thanks so much.

Ah, Suze, this is so funny. You make me laugh.

I won't even bother to critically analyse this because yours truly is finding it hard to take it seriously! But I'll give it a go...

Metapoetry (it does exist!) is very experimental and can end up falling flat on its face, but here you executed it brilliantly. I loved the boisterous, eccentric rebelliousness of the speaker and the metapoem format suited them perfectly. The alliteration in "vindicating verbs and nefarious nouns" further emphasised their pretentiousness and the fact that "vindicating" is used in completely the wrong context (it should be "vindictive," shouldn't it? Deliberate or accidental?) adds to the humour. This is a good example of what my literature teacher calls 'bathos' (sublime subject matter treated in a ridiculous manner, like "Mort aux Chats," my Poem of the Week the other day.) and I don't really see how you could improve it, apart from what the person above has said. (I hate to be so obnoxious but there's nothing to add or comment on, really.)

I do take the previous reader's point that it sounds artificial in that it's probably an exercise but we all need to let go sometimes, don't we?

Great stuff!

9.5/10

Right, I feel totally underqualified, but I'm a fool with an internet connection, so I'll review it.

Suzanne wrote:if only I could scream louder,
she thought to herself,
they might know what I really am.
I could scream, scream, SCREAM Formating...hmm. If used sparingly, it can be great, but really the words should speak for themselves. Here the repetiton doesn't work.
until my lungs burst –
oh, but that wouldn’t do any good.
the blood would drown my meaning,
and no one would see the bottom of the glass.Oooh I like this metaphor!

perhaps I could write a letter
to the nearest radio station,
finding her ballpoint pen,
with vindicating verbs and nefarious nouns Oh, alliteration. Woman after my own heart. The italicised ballpoitn pen bit kind of clunks though, maybe as she finds her ball point pen?
explaining myself to a T:
I really am…
and they could read it aloud!
no, no, I should do it all on my own.

what if I whispered to the grass?
no use, I know well what happened
to poor Midas! and what use is it to tell
the grass, when the grass never replies,
but only goes around telling falsities
about the truths it has been told?
no use, no use, the grass is no use!I love this, it's crazy, the whole stanza. I can totally imagine someone leaning down and talking the grass. Don't change a thing.

I could write it like a speech or poem,
choosing the words and letters with great care,
and even which direction they go in.
holding the paper at an angle,
for|straight|is|too|uncomfortable,
yet
...............zig-zags
.....cramp
my
...............hands.
I didn't get this bit until I read it a few times...make it clearer somehow? I focused on the structure rather than the content, the moving and colour distracted me...I'm like a kitten.

no matter, I should start right where it matters:
Matter repetition sounds bad.
I am I am I am I am!

yes! a poem would be just right.
I wouldn’t even need to speak,
but instead everyone could read:
I am I am I am I am
as if they were inside my brain.
sighs and puts down pen,
only, now that I know what method to use,
I don’t know at all how to explain what I am. [b]The last line...I desperately want it to be: I don't know quite who I am. Explain seems out of place in the poem. Maybe describe would fit better too.

---
.