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139,456 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
You know I had a whole critique summed up in my head...but everything I wanted to say has benn covered by fishr, so I'll just second what she said; it was spot on. Your story would definetly be better if you took the time to do the recommended revisions.
Apart from that I found one oddity:
I dont know what you were going for there so I cant really suggest anything. Was it a though or did he speak aloud? If he spoke aloud add a 'he murmured sleepily on the end of that sentence.
Sorry about the delay in posting; Ive been busy.
Alrighty. As I promised, I've returned for yet another critiquing session. Yay!
I will address grammar, dialogue and the story itself.
First, let's have a look at the dialogue. If you read through your story you should notice that every charactor begins talking like Kai said, "(example).
Garrow said,"(example).
For the reader, at least for me, that was very distracting and honestly, it dragged the story down where it wasn't as interesting anymore. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but when I hit the dialogue part; the story became a little drawn out. Remember, if the characters are well developed, they should stand out all on their own. The constant repetition of "he said" in nearly every line is a no no. Also, it may be just your style but when I write with dialogue, I finish the sentence with a "Matt said." Or "he said."
Example:
"Mom! Quit brushing my hair; I can do it alone," Jess said.
"Suit yourself but don't complain to me if your hair looks like you stuck your finger in a light socket."
"I won't, Mom."
"Call me if you need me," her mom said. Jess watched her mom's reflection disappear into another room of the house.
Of course, I think that was a pretty bad version of dialogue, lol. But at least you, or I hope, you get the idea. Notice that you can still tell who's speaking and clearly Jess is irritated by her Mom combing her hair. That's the other thing about dialogue; it is an extreamly powerful writing tool if a writer uses it correctly. Through a strong conversation within two or more characters, it allows the reader to gain further insight into their 'soul.'
Don't forget; do not hold anything back when creating something. I'm only pointing this out as an early warning. When I was much younger, I never let emotions develop in my stories because I was afraid whoever would read it would think I was "weak" or a "sap." But now I know, that's foolish because it is human nature to express those emotions. I also bring this up because towards the end, you mention Karen will be moving away from Kai, who clearly are close friends.
In my opinion, a good revision might be in order. Honestly, how would you feel if a close friend of yours was about to leave? I personally would have mixed emotions of anger, frustration and saddness; an emotional rollarcoaster. This scene lacks, what I think, you were trying to do. You mentioned a 'cold arrow piercing through Kai's heart." But there should be more to it than that. What is Kai or Karen thinking in their head? I was actually wondering myself last night. However, the choice is up to you, on what you choose to do.
OK, that sums up the dialogue. Now the evil grammar/spelling; my personal enemy. LOL! There isn't many mistakes, at least I didn't notice a lot.
Should be shining.
Instead of a comma, put a semicolon.
Capitalize King; it's a title, therefore it should be capitalized.
Same thing as the top. King should be capitalized.
It's spelled traits.
That's all I caught for grammatical or spelling errors. One suggestion though; it helps to put separate each paragraph, instead of it looking like one giant paragraph. It's easier on the eyes.
Now, the story itself. While, I enjoyed it, it was probably due to the fact I'm familiar with the magna Inu Yasha. Although, I can't vouch for others, I think more description would serve this story well, like describing Kuri City. Are we in the past, present or future? Are little flying saucers moving about like in the Jetsons? The time line is not clear, nor how the city itself looks. You need to dig deeper and explain.
I believe I've covered enough. Keep on working hard and thank you for the PM.
I read your story and I did enjoy it.
Tomorrow, I'll try and address the grammar mistakes and dialogue. It's just late right now, so I don't have the energy to critque it properly.
I noticed you're from Ontario. I don't live far from the border myself. I live two hours from Quebec, since Lake Champlain is located so far north.
Aw, forgot to mention something. If you think your chapters are long, you haven't seen my work yet, LOL! In fact my current story in my signature and is broken up by means of historical dates, rather than the usual 'chapter one' type of thing. And believe me, they are not exactly short eaither.
Sorry if this was tiresome to read, but it was necessary for me to put down this information to properly introduce the main character and the story, other wise you might not understand what I'm writing about in the next chapters. I know it may seem boring, I'm not so good at writing about when characters are talking to each other. But, I'm really good at climactic writing, and there's going to be quite a bit of action in the next chapter.
And, in case you were wondering about that voice in italics near the beginning. Just keep that thought on hold, its part of the main plot and it adds to the suspense if you don't know who or what that is or, better yet, where its coming from.
If you really liked the stuff I've written so far and want to read even more of my story, you won't have to worry about waiting for me to write the next chapters. Right now, I'm already well underway with writing chapter seven, and after seeing how long this chapter is you'll know that's a lot of work.