Deleted
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,456 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Cool, this is getting really interesting now. Isn't the evil spirit meant to have red text though?
Once more I can't find much wrong with it, save for what has already been mentioned.
~ Shadowsun
Ah, perhaps it is cliched but not in the sense you're speaking of. I got my inspiration to write this story from Eragon, that much is true. But that's not where I got my IDEAS. If anything, the only similarity between the two (Once you get to read most of the story) is the fact that dragons exist, nothing more. But, thanks for voicing your concerns and critics nonetheless.
I don't mean to spoil the surprise, but it's likely that nobody will remember this by the time my work is/might be published. The main character gets possessed by the evil spirit inside of him at the end of this saga, which causes him to become the main antagonist in the next saga where his son has to fight him.
So, no, it's definitely NOT cliched from Eragon, not in the sense you're speaking of.
All that about the Chaos Dragon and Dragon Knights sounds intimidating...
But that bit about the moon and negative energies was good.
My main worry is that "Dragon Knights" sounds suspiciously like an Eragon rip-off with "Dragon Riders". And the legend of a Knight who will be oh-so-powerful and use a magical weapon of great power.... it's cliched. Sorry, but it is.
And your dialogue could use some tweaking.
Example here. It just sounds too much of a Yoda/old Obi-Wan type speech. Use contractions in dialogue (isn't can't couldn't shouldn't) as they make it sound more natural.
"There" would be better, as the question was WHERE the negative stuff was put.
Ever so = weird phrase. Take it out.
Use something else to start a sentance with. All this is "Draco did/said this" and "Kai did/said that" without exploring other ways. Exploit your tags!
See here:
The bit about "the grave tone" runs on for too long and detracts from the dialogue itself. Snoink, I think, once said not to add an adverb to tags, show the emotion in the dialogue. While adverbs are useful, this is an example of Snoink's point. The tag grabs all the attention.
Those are only a few things; otherwise this was good, and it kept me reading. My warning is to its possible cliched-ness, stilted dialogue (remember, if you wouldn't say, then neither would your characters) and too long tags. And different ways to start sentances.
Happy tweaking!