The cave was cold and dark. It seemed like they had been walking in this cave for hours. A cool breeze was blowing through the cave from up ahead. The only light that was provided was Draco’s feint, glowing aura. The cave was awfully silent, and Kai couldn’t help but feel a presence further down the cave from where they came.
Repetition. You use the word cave several times in the same paragraph, and it becomes very distracting. You've already established that the setting is in the cave, so you don't have to repeat the word when describing atmosphere.
After he gave up on pressing Draco for more questions on that subject Kai started to wonder how much Draco actually know about him.
Take this sentence out. The character's actions should speak for themselves. Since Kai asks Draco about it, you don't need to tell us he's wondering how much he knows. It's already obvious because of the question.
Draco looked amusingly at Kai, as if the dragon was glad that he asked that question.
I'm not sure if amusingly is the right word. You're describing his look as amusing, but that doesn't mean he's amused at Kai. Reword this, since the meaning is muddled.
Kai nearly jumped out of his skin.
I used to use phrases like this alot, but now I know that they're very awkward. Either he jumped or he didn't jump, right? How do you nearly jump? I'm sure you can come up with a better description for his surprise.
“So…” Kai continued, “that feeling I got in the back of my head, that was you reading my thoughts wasn’t it?” He didn’t have to say any more because Draco had read his mind and knew what he was talking about anyway.
One comment on their ability to mind read. You say that it's an important skill to have during battle, yes? Wouldn't that mean it would have to be a subtle act? If someone can actually feel a tugging in the back of their head when their mind's being read, it's not very subtle. I would imagine that person would realize something was happening to him. Just a thought, pay no mind to it if you disagree.
“Anything else?” He asked almost dryly.
Almost dryly? Don't stick in adverb unless they really add something to the meaning. In this case, it doesn't. Any vividness that would be conveyed in that tag is ruined due to the "almost". It's unneeded.
“I’ve seen… him.”
Instead of "I've seen", using "I saw" would flow a lot better in my opinion. It just sounds better.
The man with dark blood hair.
Dark blood hair? Maybe dark blood-red hair, but not blood hair. That doesn't make much sense.
All the obelisks were the same size and shape, but each of them looked different.
You have the same problem here that you did in the first paragraph. Throughout this paragraph you have repitition of the word "obelisk" too many times. Fix that.
When he lifted his head, he gasped in amassment.
amazement
When the inscriptions were readable,
Take out this part. You already said basically the same thing in the last sentence, so this bit isn't needed.
He reached through the crystal towards the sword. As he reached, it seemed like the sword was moving closer to him through the rock. When the Tenjin was within his reach, he grabbed it by the handle.
These three sentences can be combined into one. All your basically saying is that you reached for it and grabbed it. Doesn't take three sentences to do that.
Kai nearly had a heart attack when the crystal around the sword suddenly shattered into a million pieces and fell to the ground.
Your descriptions of character reactions are almost always passive. You need to describe body language, and raw feeling. The kinds of descriptions you have make everything seems superficial and we really don't get a sense of what the main character is feeling. This is essential. A measure of a good writer is how well he or she is able to communicate emotion. Without that skill, your fiction is nothing.
Kai was having an out of body experience.
No duh. We can see that. Please cut this out.
***
Okay, enough nitpicks. I think you get the idea.
Main problem? Communication of emotion. I had a lot of trouble feeling exactly what the main character felt. Like I said before, this is crucial. Work on your description of their reactions. Include more body language and physical changes that imply what it is they're feeling at the moment. For example, if someone is scared, you can describe how all the color suddenly drained from his face. Stuff like that. I promise you, if you work on that, your writing will be doubly better.
MM
Points: 6070
Reviews: 277
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