Young Writers Society

Cool, there's Dragons now . I'm looking forward to finding out what the Tenjin is.

~ Shadowsun

Ugh, okay. First off, the level of ...shall we say events that occured in this -one- chapter should rightly be spread across about three, at least. In my opinion, the first chapter should be mainly character developement, introducing them and the like, a bit of their personality.

Also, give your dragon a gender, please. Makes things much easier to read and it sounds less...halting, and awkward if you go He thought to himself; rather than 'it thought to itself'.

Again, your description was so so, I mean, your main character (?) the half-breed was injured with crossbow bolts, fair enough, then later on, when the dragon is pulling them out, the lad doesn't react AT ALL. Even unconsious the body would groan and protest.

Your fight scene, such as it was, was far too short. There was next to no building of tension, and then bam, fight and then it's over. Oh wow. Yeah...that did alot. Flesh it out, if you want a fight scene, give the readers blow-by-blow accounts, almost. There are alot of demons around yes? So rather than having one attack and the dragon gaining size and then blasting him, make three or four attack, throw off the swelling slightly, some 'hand to hand' fighting before the finale as such.

I would put a new chapter in around here by the way, as the two characters are meeting each other, gaining knowledge of each other and whatnot. Expand the conversation, add in the little details of what they could be doing. While talking, is the dragon sitting, standing, what? Is it looking down on the lad, is the lad still bleeding, sore, or is he hale and hearty? if he is, hale and hearty that is, why isn't he confused about it? Why doesn't he wonder where the wounds went, nor act even a -little- bit suspicious of the dragon? He's slightly wary for what, the first two minutes of interaction but after that he's trusting the scaled implicitly almost.

Also, give the reader a teensy bit of background to the mythology and the like of the little world you've created. Are dragons common things, pests, pets, what? Are they regarded as noble creatures to be valued or are they just dumb beasts? How did the demons get into it, clarify what you actually -mean- by them, to me the half-breed just seems to be a cross between a human and a wolf, but that's just my perception, but you see the reason why you need more details?

That's essentially the summary of my opinion, it's got great potential, but at the moment it's just the bare bones of a story. You could quite easily spread that one chapter over three if you so desired, and it's highly recommended. Details people! Not LOTR detail, that's a bit overboard for my taste, but certainly more than what you've got. You understand?

I haven't read any of the other chapters by the way, so you've possibly already given a background, so apologies if that is so, but essentially the majority of my critique is still valid. (Sorry if I mention in there somewhere that it's the first chapter, couldn't find it again when I edited and completely missed the 'chapter four' part of the title >_> my bad)

Fix it up, and it could be very good.

Tata mwa!

SS