The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 3 (Remake)

I know there's a lot of spelling and grammar errors, but I posted these chapters last summer. I've edited them since them with the help of all the other critiques I've recieved. I just didn't bother to do the same with the chapters that I posted on YWS, they already got critiqued and the original is edited, so what's the point? Do you see my logic?

Once again, a very well written story! But also, there are still those parallelism errors and the red italics. I think just plain italics would work fine.

Love it!

I still think the use of red is a little excessive. After all, if this were published in novel form, would it use red ink? Surely we all imagine our work in print sometimes

He began to feel tears weld

He dropped to his knees and hid his face with his clean hand. Hot tears flowed from his eyes as he cried soft cries of sorrow at the crime he had committed. The rain began to worsen as it soaked him and the mud around him.

“Stop being such a baby! You had no choice!”

“This world is filled with death. You have to realize that in order to survive you must be strong. It’s survival of the fittest.”

“I don’t care what it’s called, killing is wrong!” Kai slowly got up to his feet. He suddenly got dizzy and felt like he was going to throw up.

“Yes, I can feel it in you. Anger, hate, fury, these feelings will give you power.”

Kai gasped, “Mother!” and ran home. Now he had no choice but to plea to his mother to move to another village. If the city guard ever found out about this they wouldn’t just kill Kai, they’d kill his mother too!

“Please, my son is no Dragon Knight! He has demon blood, such a thing is unheard of!”

“Silence!” Kai heard a loud slap. The soldier must have hit his mother to keep her quiet.

As she lay she held out her hand and said, “I… love… you… my…” But death had taken her before she could finish her sentence.

Kai glared at them men with a fierceness that sent shivers down their spines.

Claws shot out of each of Kai’s fingertips on both hands. Blood shot out of his fingers as the claws broke the skin on the way out.

They shot another bolt into his chest, but it did little to slow his pace. The men were scared out of their wits as they continued to shoot bolts into Kai’s body. They shot his leg, then his shoulder, then his chest, then his other shoulder, and then his leg again. Every shot caused him no pain; they only fuelled his hatred after each shot.

The last thing he saw before falling asleep was his mother and her outstretched arm. Kai reached out and held his mother’s hand one last time before darkness took him.

Dynamo wrote:Chapter Three: End of Innocence

“What… What have I done?” Kai looked at his bloody, clawed hand in horror. “How could I do such a thing?” He began to feel tears [s]weld[/s]Not sure but i think this should be well up in his eyes. He dropped to his knees and hid his face with his clean hand. Hot tears flowed from his eyes as he cried soft cries of sorrow at the crime he had committed. The rain began to worsen as it soaked him and the mud around him.

“What are you crying about?”

Kai lifted his head to the voice. “I killed someone. I’m a murderer!”

“Stop being such a baby! You had no choice!”

“What… do you mean?”

“If you hadn’t done something those guys would have killed you instead!”

Kai looked down at the bodies of the men he had slain. “…But…”

“This world is filled with death. You have to realize that in order to survive you must be strong. It’s survival of the fittest.”

“I don’t care what it’s called, killing is wrong!” Kai slowly got [s]up[/s] to his feet. He suddenly got dizzy and felt like he was going to throw up.

“Tell me something… Did it feel good?”

Kai’s eyes widened with horror. “What do you mean?”

“I can feel your emotions, you liked it. It felt good when you severed their ties to this world, to feel their life fade to nothing, the taste of their blood.”

Kai looked back at his blood-drenched hand. He began to tremble.

“Did you enjoy it?”

“…Yes… I enjoyed it. I know I shouldn’t, but I want to do it again.”

“It’s only natural. You are a demon, a creature that sustains itself on the blood of the ones it has slain.”

“But…” Kai felt like he was going to faint. “I don’t want this. I want to be a good person, I want to be-”

“A hero? There is no such thing in these times. Why waste your time helping the weak from the inevitable? You are a demon, and this proves it. You are the same as any other demon in this world or the next… like your father.”

Anger slowly rose in Kai’s mind as he clenched his fist until he drew blood.

“Yes, I can feel it in you. Anger, hate, fury, these feelings will give you power.”

“Go… away…” Kai strained his voice so he wouldn’t scream.

“You cannot get rid of me. I will be with you always, whether you like it or not.”

“My father was a noble man, a hero among humans and demons. He was not a monster, and I am going to be a hero just like him.” Kai screamed at the top of his lungs. “GO AWAY!” His cry echoed through the alley.
After a few moments of silence Kai felt alone. The voice had gone away, leaving him alone with the dead villagers. He looked at his clawed hand; the rain had washed away the blood. He pulled his claws back into his fingers and sighed.

He didn’t know what to do. If the city guard ever found out about this, they would kill him on the spot. He couldn’t go on living a normal life after this. What was he going to tell Karen? What was he going to tell his mother?
Kai gasped, “Mother!” and ran home. Now he had no choice but to plea to his mother to move to another village. If the city guard ever found out about thisThis bothered me as it repeats a sentence you just used. Perhaps you might want to reword it a bit. they wouldn’t just kill Kai, they’d kill his mother too!

He felt relieved when he saw his house. As he approached he began to hear voices from inside. He stopped at the door and listened. Because of his heritage his hearing [s]is[/s]This was a tense change. It's present and should be past[/b] much more sensitive than a human’s. There were four people in the house, one of them being his mother. He could hear the loud clank of armour as they walked around, indicating the three others were part of the city guard.

He could hear his mother pleading. “Please, don’t take him. He’s all I have left!”

An older man’s voice said, “By order of the king of Kuri City we are here to bring judgement upon the impure one.”

“Impure one?” Kai uttered to himself, scared to think of what it meant.

“Please, my son is no Dragon Knight! He has demon blood, such a thing is unheard of!”

“Silence!” Kai heard a loud slap. The soldier must have hit his mother to keep her quiet. “The king himself has told us what your son is. The penalty for harbouring one such as him is death.” Kai could hear the loud clank of metal as the soldiers reached for what must be their crossbows.

“No!” Kai swung the door open. He wouldn’t let them take his mother. Kai’s mother faced him. The look in her eyes was soft and loving. She was glad to see him safe.

But it was too late. The soldiers shot his mother in the chest. Kai’s heart sank as he watched his mother fall to the ground. As she lay she held out her hand and said, “I… love… you… my…” But death had taken her before she could finish her sentence.

Rage, pure rage filled Kai’s body and warmed his blood. These men took away the only family he had left. His mother didn’t deserve to die; she had done nothing wrong to deserve this fate. The only crime she had committed was loving her son, and how could that be a crime? Kai was infuriated, and he wouldn’t rest until he saw these men dead.

The lust for blood came back, but this time it was fuelled by hatred. This hatred made him feel stronger than he had ever felt before. Kai glared at the[s]m[/s] men with a fierceness that sent shivers down their spines. Something in his eyes made them take a step back. When Kai got a look of himself in a nearby mirror he saw that his eyes had changed. They were now the same colour as the[s]m[/s] evil man he saw in the alley[s].[/s], [s]B[/s]but he didn’t care. All he cared about now was killing these men. Claws shot out of each of Kai’s fingertips [s]on both hands[/s]Uneeded, I think.. Blood shot out of his fingers as the claws broke the skin on the way out.

One of the men shot a crossbow bolt into his chest. The impact caused him to take a step back, but he felt no pain. He slowly approached the men with intentions to kill them. His breathing came out in growls as he moved.

They shot another bolt into his chest, but it did little to slow his pace. The men were scared out of their wits as they continued to shoot bolts into Kai’s body. They shot his leg, then his shoulder, then his chest, then his other shoulder, and then his leg again. Every shot caused him no pain; they only fuelled his hatred after each shot.

Kai paid no attention to the bolts being shot into his body, but after a while his body began to feel weak. Kai could have all the hatred in the world to keep him strong, but the loss of blood eventually brought him down. He fell to his knees, then on his side to avoid pushing the bolts in further. He fought to stay awake but the world around him slowly became dark. The last thing he saw before falling asleep was his mother and her outstretched arm. Kai reached out and held his mother’s hand one last time before darkness took him.

Ah... I feel sorry for Kai, he's practically lost verything hasn't he? Anyway, I can't find anything wrong with it apart from:

Dynamo wrote:They shot another bolt into his chest, but it did little to slow his pace. The men were scared out of their wits as they continued to shoot bolts into Kai’s body. They shot his leg, then his shoulder, then his chest, then his other shoulder, and then his leg again. Every shot caused him no pain; they only fuelled his hatred after each shot.