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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
There's a lot you could of done with the Kings betrayal; a lot of intrigue you could of woven. However you have taken...an odd course, thats for sure. I guess I'll have to wait to see what your doing. I will say, however, that I think the first part of this was better than the second. That said there are some mistakes I noted.
Stupid question to ask oneself dont you think? I think Kai was ment to be questioning wether his father would go so far, in which case it should say: "I know he hates me, but would he go this far?"
Are you being deliberatley theatrical?? Sounds a bit cheesy, could be better: "Hence forth, I will be known as Yang, the half-breed" this sounds better as he embraces who he is, and casts off the prejudiced perceptions of others.
Take
I think I should say that it sounds as if Kai is one hell of an ugly creature
I really think it's effective to leave the chapter split like this! The ending is nice and suspenseful. This one is too, but not as much somehow. I also think it aids in giving us the impression that time has passed without saying it has, and also seems appropriate for the setting change. I don't know any rules about making chapters, but this seems to make sense to me. You?
I like the voice in his head...I thought it was his demon side or something at first, but I'm not entirely sure, which makes it interesting. A little off topic, but it makes me think how strange to talk to yourself and not realize anything is wrong with that, and that lets me know that this voice has been there for a long time. Intriguing.
I don't think he's dead though. that would be too disappointing. You just said it takes a lot for him to die.
Question 1: did he ALWAYS have the wings, or did they just sprout out of his back last minute? Although I could see how not telling us about it in his description at the beginning could be used for an element of surprise, but a big pair of wings like that are pretty hard to pass over in an overall description. Wouldn't he have a hump on his back or something...they're pretty big. So...I think you could cut out the line (in the...first chapter?) where you say he didn't get this from his parents. His dad's a wolf demon. Far as I know, wolves (even demon wolves) don't have wings, and neither do humans.
Cool ideas, though!
So you did kill him? I hope there's another main character.
Enjoying it!
~Jacquie~[/i]
In case you didn't notice, his wings are the trait the he got niether from his father nor mother which was mentioned in the first chapter. And for those of you who are wondering why I'm killing off the main character in the begining of the story, I'm not going to spoil any surprises by giving you any hints to what's going to happen.