z

Young Writers Society



The Secret of Tayburn Zoo: 11.3

by ExOmelas


A/N: @Shady, Patrick is probably still suuuper hormonal here. Just... bear with him xD

-----

As Patrick thundered once more down the long, lonely corridor that led all the way to Aurora's ladder, the question of whether he'd locked the door sprang to the front of his mind. He'd been so panicked... And had he helped Aurora to figure out a way to lock it herself with her enormous paws yet? From the moment the door came clearly into view, he knew it was ajar.

His stomach dropped at the thought of what MacLean could be doing to Aurora. Would she be poking and prodding with Neuromax's many specialised monitors of brain activity, shoving tubes up her nose in order to pick up the signal? Or maybe she'd be interrogating her, getting her to admit that Patrick and all the animals had agreed to keep her nature quiet, landing all her friends in trouble?

Patrick let his gut feel the anger now, twisting his memories of the unassuming, nervous MacLean grotesquely into images of her cackling at how easy Patrick had been to dupe.

When he finally reached the door, he threw it open, barely even noticing as it swung around and clattered against the hastily plastered wall. MacLean was standing at the bottom of the ladder, gripping its sides with white knuckles. Her neck was craned all the way back so that her head was facing straight at the ceiling.

She whipped her entire body around to face Patrick, then, seeing him, her shoulders slumped and she looked down at the ground.

"Oh, thank Christ," she whispered. She raised her eyes to lock onto Patrick's. "I thought you were Neuromax."

Patrick folded his arms, squeezing his fingernails with adrenaline soaked fury into the crooks of his elbows. His phone started to ring, but he ignored it and glared at MacLean with the coldest, strongest stare he could. "Do not, for the love of God, try to play innocent with me. You have endangered the lives of these animals. They are as much my family as my own child and grandchildren. Get out, now."

The sound that escaped from MacLean’s lungs could only be described as a desperate screech. "Mr McAfferty, please, you and Aurora, you both have to believe me! I have no idea how they found out! I have no idea what they're going to do to Aurora, but I promise you I never meant for it to happen. I was just going up to beg Aurora to believe me."

Patrick stared at her. He said nothing - didn't have the slightest clue what to say. He thrust his hands to his sides, curling them up in tight fists. "I want to believe you so badly."

She opened her mouth to say something but just at that moment there was a panicked shout in the corridor behind Patrick. Patrick whirled around just in time to duck as a young parrot barrelled through the air, passing right through the space where his head would have been. He turned back around to see the parrot landing haphazardly on the edge of the little stripy rug around the bottom of the ladder.

"Patrick Patrick Patrick!" he blurted, "Treego - he called you. But I came to get you because you didn't pick up. Help us, please!"

The anger faded away from Patrick for a moment as he knelt calmly down in front of the bright red parrot. He got the feeling had the parrot be a human his cheeks would have been just as red.

"Hi, buddy," he said, his voice quiet, and hopefully soothing. "Your name's Phoenix, right? What's the matter?"

Patrick forced himself not to look up at MacLean as the parrot let his breathing settle and say, "Treego said because I was fastest I was to come get you. It's the inspectors, Patrick, they're taking us away!"

Patrick's eyebrows shot up, and he nearly fell backwards. But he took a few deep breaths and carefully stayed balanced, one knee up and one knee down. "What do you mean, taking you away. Everyone? Treego?"

Phoenix shook his head, his feathers a blur of red and dark orange. "No, I mean, sorry. I'm not sure. Not everyone. But they took Chip!"

His dark brown chest began to tremble again as his breathing got faster and more rugged.

"Phoenix, okay, listen to me." Patrick carefully put a couple of fingers on the bird's shoulder. "I'm going to fix this, okay? Might not be today, but we'll get them back."

Phoenix nodded, his beady yellow eyes glazed. "Shall I go tell Treego you're coming?"

Patrick got shakily to his feat, Phoenix following him up by hovering warily in the air. Patrick looked him in the eye. "It's going to take me a while, I think, but I'm on my way."

Phoenix nodded once, curtly, then whizzed out the door and back down the corridor.

Patrick glanced at MacLean. His shoulders were slumped and his arms hung loosely at his sides. There was no energy in his bones anymore, never mind anger.

"I can't run down there again," he muttered, turning away from her. "You win."

"This isn't winning for me!" she cried. "And where are you going?"

Patrick paused on his way to the door, slowly looking over his shoulder. "Weren't you listening? I'm going to go help my friends."

"But you said-"

"No matter how long it takes," Patrick added. His arms were trembling, his thighs screaming their anger at what he was putting them through. There was a twinge in his back, which, from its position, was probably more because of the way he'd crouched down to speak to Phoenix than all the running.

MacLean brushed past and turned round to face him on the other side of the door. "Let me go first. I can get to Haldane, convince her not to go through with this. Spin some nonsense about how we'll get a better sense of the animals' abilities when they're comfortable in their homes."

Patrick stared at her, his brain groggily trying to work out if she could possibly be telling the truth. Eventually, he just muttered, "I can't stop you."

MacLean nodded and ran away down the corridor. Patrick took another step, then another, dreading what would be awaiting him at the end of this ordeal.


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Thu Jul 09, 2020 11:14 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world.

And chapter 11 is done.

First Impression: Okaaaay....looks like my suspicions were correct but then you can be sure can you? Aaand well that was a nice moment with the parrot and how he can recognize him by sight so easily.

Anyway let's get to it,

As Patrick thundered once more down the long, lonely corridor that led all the way to Aurora's ladder, the question of whether he'd locked the door sprang to the front of his mind. He'd been so panicked... And had he helped Aurora to figure out a way to lock it herself with her enormous paws yet? From the moment the door came clearly into view, he knew it was ajar.


Well...that's quite the thing to forget at a time like that.

His stomach dropped at the thought of what MacLean could be doing to Aurora. Would she be poking and prodding with Neuromax's many specialised monitors of brain activity, shoving tubes up her nose in order to pick up the signal? Or maybe she'd be interrogating her, getting her to admit that Patrick and all the animals had agreed to keep her nature quiet, landing all her friends in trouble?


When he saw them come in they weren't carrying anything on them so unless a brain monitor fits into a pocket I don't see how he could be rationally thinking this. Although maybe it is because of the stuff he's been through in the past few hours.

Patrick let his gut feel the anger now, twisting his memories of the unassuming, nervous MacLean grotesquely into images of her cackling at how easy Patrick had been to dupe.


You made a valiant effort to make us do the same. Commendable but ultimately not quite effective on me at least.

Patrick folded his arms, squeezing his fingernails with adrenaline soaked fury into the crooks of his elbows. His phone started to ring, but he ignored it and glared at MacLean with the coldest, strongest stare he could. "Do not, for the love of God, try to play innocent with me. You have endangered the lives of these animals. They are as much my family as my own child and grandchildren. Get out, now."


Yes Come on Patrick!!

The anger faded away from Patrick for a moment as he knelt calmly down in front of the bright red parrot. He got the feeling had the parrot be a human his cheeks would have been just as red.


That should be been.

Phoenix shook his head, his feathers a blur of red and dark orange. "No, I mean, sorry. I'm not sure. Not everyone. But they took Chip!"


Not Chip, you foul maggots!!

Patrick paused on his way to the door, slowly looking over his shoulder. "Weren't you listening? I'm going to go help my friends."


Well saying that he can't go then going again abruptly feels like a waste of time. It's probably better to cut that and then when you show him get tired we can get the message.

MacLean brushed past and turned round to face him on the other side of the door. "Let me go first. I can get to Haldane, convince her not to go through with this. Spin some nonsense about how we'll get a better sense of the animals' abilities when they're comfortable in their homes."


Hmmmm...maybe could've gone with that plan earlier MacLean.

MacLean nodded and ran away down the corridor. Patrick took another step, then another, dreading what would be awaiting him at the end of this ordeal.


Hopefully not a heart attack.

And that's it.

Overall: So that was pretty nice bit of action. Now I'm wondering whether the other two are convincing themselves that Patrick has diarrhea or are they coming to get him. I suppose I'll read on to find out.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Feb 13, 2020 3:01 am
Lib says...



Ooohhh emotions all over the place!! MacLean.... honestly don't know what to feel about her, to be But Chip! =(




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Shady wrote a review...



Bisc!

I'm super excited to see where you're taking us in this chapter! Let's get started...

From the moment the door came clearly into view, he knew it was ajar.


What?? You mean that from the moment he could see the door, he could see it was open?? How does that even work?? ;)

Okay stopping my sarcasm. But like I think I know what you're trying to get across here but not loving the delivery.

Patrick stared at her. He said nothing - didn't have the slightest clue what to say. He thrust his hands to his sides, curling them up in tight fists. "I want to believe you so badly."


Does he, thought? Because that sheer rage a few paragraphs before does not make him seem like he'd be inclined to want to believe anything she has to say...

"Let me go first. I can get to Haldane, convince her not to go through with this. Spin some nonsense about how we'll get a better sense of the animals' abilities when they're comfortable in their homes."


Okay but if you could have convinced Haldane not to go through with this, then why didn't you already?

~ ~ ~

Wow, another emotion-packed chapter!

I am not sure if I am a reliable gauge of that seeing as this was my calm-down chapter of that stuff I was talking to you about and my emotions are all over the place currently lol. But I'm going to say that I'm not sure that I loved it.

I do like what you were going for here -- but they both feel super angsty atm and I know that your author's note warned of that xD But I'm here to say that yes you are correct and no I'm not a huge fan of that fact.

I am v curious to know what MacLean's game is though. I'm not quite sure which side she's on, though I suspect she's Pro TZ at this point which is great. But like... why was she lurking by the panda's cage? I mean I know she was going to apologize and all that by her claims but like... she's a probie. Would they really just send her off by herself to go apologize to the panda? Why is she away from her Overlords? I just... didn't fully understand everything that was going on here? So it kinda came across as a wee bit desperate for some conflict.

I do like that things are starting to heat up, though!

From the snippets of stuff you had said in chat about a.... train? I think? I kinda suspected that the animals would eventually be getting shipped off somewhere. Which is really sad and all that, but now I'm curious to know what will happen. Will Patrick be with them? Will they make an escape and be their own little band of traveling animals like in Madagascar or something? Something else?? I love how much mystery you have surrounding this and how much build up you have. Dying to know what happens next!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




ExOmelas says...


Hey, yeah, this totally makes sense. I'll moderate his emotions a bit when it comes to editing.

As for why she was at the panda enclosure, is it not believable that if she felt guilty for something she would want to apologise? You're not meant to know what she may or may not be guilty for yet but the idea is that if we believe she's upset about what happened then her intention to apologise makes sense, if we think she's just putting that on to fool Patrick, we think she's probably there to do something sinister. Does the link from guilt to apology not work enough for her to slip away from the other two?

Next chapter (the last of part 1) will be up in just a sec!

Thanks for the review, I promise Patrick gets less hormonal soon xD



Shady says...


I mean it does make sense that she'd feel guilt if she was responsible... but she's claiming she wasn't? Like she's saying she has no idea how they found out... which means that it's not her fault 'cause she didn't go rat them out, right? So why does she feel guilty about something that's not her fault? << And I recognize that that is probably a 100% INTJ statement and that emotions don't actually have to be super rational so take what I said with a grain of salt lol.

I do get your point, though. Since we don't know whether she's guilty or not it makes it harder to interpret this scene. I guess my biggest hold up is just the feasibility... I mean like why does she have the freedom to be wandering around? Wouldn't Crother and Haldane want to keep her on a pretty short leash? Is she supposed to be doing something? And these might all be questions that you're planning on answering in future chapters so maybe we don't need answers yet :) I just thought I'd point them out since I am a bit confused about how all of this is working out.

I'll try to get to the next review whenever I can!



ExOmelas says...


Hmm okay I think it might be best to hold off until I drop the answers for some of these, then we can figure out what the most logical things to have happened would have been.

No rush :)



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Mon Feb 18, 2019 12:20 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @BiscuitsLeGuin I am here to review your work, like I said I would, I am really exited to read this chapter.

The Plot
So I feel like we left the other chapter in a bit of a cliffhanger

He stepped out of the room and strode off to the left, hoping to God that they didn't know the nearest bathroom was in the opposite direction.
So this was the last line, and I think it was a really good end to the chapter, I can really see Patrick still waring about this in this chapter so lets see.

What I like
A/N: Shady, Patrick is probably still suuuper hormonal here. Just... bear with him xD
Thank you for giving us a heads up about that, or rather to say warning.

As Patrick thundered once more down the long, lonely corridor that led all the way to Aurora's ladder, the question of whether he'd locked the door sprang to the front of his mind.
I think this is a really good start to this chapter from were we left of in the last one, I think you did a really good job of starting the chapter.

His stomach dropped at the thought of what MacLean could be doing to Aurora.
I see a lot happening here, I feel so sorry for Aurora and him right now.

Would she be poking and prodding with Neuromax's many specialised monitors of brain activity, shoving tubes up her nose in order to pick up the signal?
Oof that sounds horrid, Patrick must feel harble and devastated right now, so I think you made a spelling mistake here so I will go and ficks that in suggestions, I will put the letter in bold so you can see what I changed.

Description

Wow your description is getting better every chapter I feel, its really good, I think your doing a grate job so far biscuits

"Patrick Patrick Patrick!" he blurted, "Treego - he called you. But I came to get you because you didn't pick up. Help us, please!"
ouch this is really good description, anyways for a second there I was wondering hew called but never mind.

"I can't run down there again," he muttered, turning away from her. "You win."
o no is he giving up, that's bad, I really feel sorry for him, you have done a really good job of making me feel how the characters are feeling.

What needs work
So I do feel like your not going in to his thoughts as much as you should be, so I think that's something that you should work on.

Suggestions
Would she be poking and prodding with Neuromax's many specialized monitors of brain activity, shoving tubes up her nose in order to pick up the signal?

Okay so that is all that I can say about this, if I came across as being really harsh and just unfair I am so sorry pleas for give me, So keep up the grate work, I feel like this chapter was better then any other chapter I have read, I look forward to the next one.

@EagleFly out to Seek and Kill




ExOmelas says...


thanks for the review Eagle! :D



Dossereana says...


You are very welcome. :D




If it wasn't for poetry, I couldn't express myself.
— Rosendorn