They whisper in the darkness--
In the black,
Where open eyes
Meet closed,
Indistinguishable.
They scream in the light
When the silence rings--
A dizzying whine,
Uncontrollable.
They rip open eyelids,
Pull out the tears
And cast them down--
A river slicing
Tender skin.
The lucky ones, they know;
They see the beasts
And tear them off--
Break them--
And allow the claw marks
To heal from their hearts.
Those unlucky innocents
Look at those
Terrible, scowling faces
And think,
"Truth."
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138,289 Literary Works • 672,098 Reviews
I've never reviewed before, I think I'm going to be quite terrible, but I'll give it a shot.
I really enjoy the second and third stanza, 'the silence rings', I think is quite beautiful, I began to notice said ringing in my own ears. Almost like you're bringing the poem to life, making the reader the subject; don't know if you intended that, but it works wonderfully
Also, love, love, love this:
Pull out the tears
And cast them down--
A river slicing
Beautiful imagery, the idea that this person does not want to cry, but is forced to, they are pulled, and cast down, rather than naturally forming and falling.
You can certainly write, just make sure to read a lot and write always
Hope you're well, Day.
YO! The flaming bunny pup, here to review.
I don't really understand this part. How can eyes meet if one set is open and the other set is closed? By definition, I thought that both sets of eyes have to be open to meet. Then again, your eyes can meet something static, something that can't stare back at you, so I guess this makes sense. It's just unusual--that's good! It catches the reader's attention and pulls them in; gives their brain something to work on, so their interest is captured.
I don't really know why I love this phrase so much, but I do. So, you're mixing imagery with a bit of nonsense? (I'm trying to understand.) Very nice. (And by nonsense, I mean something like.... well... I wrote a poem called Young Old Wise Fool. Like that.)
I really don't understand this phrase. You're being metaphorical, right? Still.... what is it that the lucky ones know? And what does it mean, "They see the beasts/And tear them off"? Are they tearing the beasts off of their hearts? How are they doing this? And how are they breaking them?
Why are the innocents the ones who are unlucky? To my mind, they would be the lucky ones, as they have not had to endure the things that the experienced ones have. Still, I understand this part. It makes me think of a child looking at an adult, and thinking that the adult knows so much more and has so much more experience than they do. Is this why the innocents are unlucky? Because they wish for the years and wisdom of their elders?
On the whole, this is a piece that sticks in your brain long after you've gone away. Great job! You've done some marvelous work with this. Your words are very descriptive, and the phrasing is extremely evocative. Thank you so much for posting this! I loved reading it. It was a pleasure.
Hey there, Devan. Scarlett here to review your poem.
Wow. Chilling. This is a rather dark poem, really. But I like it. The flow is good, the rhythm is as well and the imagery. Wow, that imagery is brilliant yet slightly chilling. They were vivid and powerful. Amazing, really, how you've done this. And I like the way you've done it, too. Very imaginative. Bravo.
Now, nitpicks. I do believe, sadly, that I have none. That doesn't mean it's bad. It means it good and I can't really give you any advice on how to improve the poem. I suggest that you watch your grammar and punctuation placements, though. I really like the idea of these beasts, and that last like. "Truth." It provides a very chilling and very realistic outlook on our society and world today.
Overall, this is a brilliant and wonderfully imaginative little poem. It's chilling and dark, but it has just the right amount of it so it's not too dark. I really do like it. *clicks like* I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderfully dark and beautifully chilling poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!
~Scar.
hayya! LooneyPandaxx here!!!
i thought this piece was brilliant and really lovely.the only problem withit was i reallly didnt understand who 'they' were!
keep wrighting!!!
I like this. I'm not really understanding who "they" are, but maybe it's better that way.
At first I thought you were talking about schizophrenia, but then at the end for some reason I thought of the French Revolution. Don't ask me why; maybe the idea of dark corruption and forced ideas and actions?
Keep writing!