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139,599 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Ohmigash Devan, a poem from you! Oh, it would be haven for me to critique such a beautiful piece. So, let's bang this one head-on with a Quick Critique. Let the music start!
CONCEPT & THEME:
One of the best things I found in your reason for writing this piece is it's creativity. You've written the piece out of song, not like other which write one based on a song, but through it, while listening to it. The vibrancy of color you imagined from the music you've listened to is the one which makes the piece stand through. The innocence of its origins is a very good concept.
The theme, though, is a bit runny. I see water and guitars and music and more! It's great, but the words and style themselves didn't stick to one or two or maybe all together. I wish to see this piece as a more coherent one, something where not only an image but also a more complex story can be heard from.
FORM & STYLE
As I've said, the piece has a very mix-match type of style. It alternates a lot but it's understandable because of the way you created your song. If you plan on revising, though, try fixing up the flow and coherence of the piece.
TECHNICALITIES:
Just very few stuff about some word usages:
The use of the is usually to depict a shift of action, but the first stanza isn't one, and then the next isn't one too, so why use then? Maybe use next, or just describe how it goes and not the time it takes.
I think in here, there's so much that happened. It's okay, actually, to dive things in at one bash, but here, there isn't something to hold them all in to one, no sense at all in pouring all of it at once. Maybe see the chopping-up of verses?
THE VERDICT
Very good work! I admire the hard work and experiment that you did with the piece, and although there are some rooms of improvement, this is a very creative and imaginative piece on its own
Good luck writing more experimentive songs!
Yours indefinitely,
Alf
I really like this piece. I like how you compare the song to the ocean. It's a free form poem, so the format is fine, but I think the poem could have a bit more flow to it. The lines and the words are good, but the presentation could change. Some of the lines are thoughts cut in half, while others have two thoughts in that one line. The only thing I can really think to change is the flow of the writing (appearance wise). Overall, this poem rocked! Hope to read some more of your work.
I can't find much to pick at here, and I'm not inclined to. A beautifully-felt piece, not too heavy on the soul nor too light on the imagination. My only formal suggestion would be to find a consistent rule or theme for your capitalization, as the first letters of some lines are capitalized, and others not. I think this would make for a prettier and more consistent flow on the page, but wouldn't add or subtract anything loudly from the spirit of a piece.