[Please do not critique my grammar, I can assure you that it is all intensional. Thank you! <3]
I want to move I want to play I want to sing and dance and I just want to
BE
ALIVE
you are sleeping
WAKE UP
your everything
I am so ready to be awake
Please let go of yourself and just
move
everything
Stretch me out and shake
the
dust
off.
Use your lungs and breathe in the air
you have around you-
Your lungs are full of
stale-old-sleepy
air
Breathe in and fill me up with living
E N E R G Y
and let it flow
through all of me
Stop shrinking yourself
you think you need to be so small but I know what we both want and
you want to be SO BIG
and vast and just
taking up space
Fill all of me up so I can be alive again
You've numbed yourself
to what I'm trying to tell you but
I
KNOW
what you need and you need to be
so
so
very
ALIVE
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,853 Reviews
cool idea
Hello!
I like the energy in this poem, and I suppose that is the point of it. It is very lively!
That being said, I'd like to address a few things in the poem that stood out to me.
While I appreciate your experimentation with capitalizing words, I don't think it was quite as effective as you were hoping it would be. To me, and many other denizens of the internet, all caps is more like yelling when I think the feeling you were going for was supposed to be more full, like the projection of an actor. I would continue to experiment with ways of emphasizing certain bits of your text in other ways. Italics might work better for you there instead of the shouty bits.
Your one word lines, while again, a good attempt to experiment, made the poem seem jolting. Whereas "shake the dust off" would be a lovely line all together, chopped up and separated like it is creates a rhythm that isn't exactly pleasant.
I encourage you also to experiment with the content. Make more connections to energy in imagery that allow the reader to really feel the poem. You have a good start, but I feel like some of the images you have right now have been done before. So in the spirit of continued experimentation, go forth!
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
This is pretty cool. It sounds like someone is shouting at themselves to be better than they are right now and to stop being apathetic. And I really like that it's from the point of view of the persons body.
The main thing I think this poem could use is a bit of punctuation. You have practically none, and there are several places where a period could help emphasize your point. The main couple of places I can think of right now are at the end of each section of all-caps that is also the end of an actual sentence. (So basically on the second, fourth, and last lines.) Any other punctuation you want to add is your call. Those were just the places I thought needed it most.
I really can't think of much else to say. I loved your formatting - it was done really well. You could put a bit more space between the "taking up space" bit, though. And if you want, instead of using caps for "SO BIG" you could change the font to be a bigger size. Just a suggestion.
This would look significantly better if it was one of the bigger dashes. Unfortunately, I don't know how to make them on YWS - I either copy and paste the big ones from Microsoft Word or I just use the smaller ones.
If you can't figure out how to do it, just add a space between the "you" and the small dash. That will make it look bigger, and less like an accident.
And that's about it! Great job on this.
I liked it. Won't critique grammar, but I'll point out you said "your" and I think you meant "you're". I think we all want to feel alive. To feel energized,empowered,awake and necessary is a desire many have within them. E. E. Cummings,he didn't use grammar, punctuation or spelling rules. He did free-style poetry,almost a rebellious poetry style,which I really liked. This kind of reminds me of that in a way. With your free verse and the way your words moved, they were ALIVE, so to speak. I look forward to reading more of your work!!