Listen.

by DevanEWilliams

  • Poetry

Published June 25, 2012

In Poems

PreviousNext
This is still rather rough, as I have only made one hasty revision to it so far, but I wanted to post it here anyway.

I stop.
This is one of those times, I realize,
where you must be absolutely silent
to hear the faintest hint of sound
that beautifully haunts my consciousness.

I wait.
I don't exist, I tell myself.
I stand, not a breath, not a blink,
anticipating the voice I'm sure I heard,
sure to shatter the silence like a stained-glass window...

I listen.
I crane my neck, slowly raise a tentative hand
and cup it behind my ear, and freeze like this.
Finally, a sound--the wind solemnly
caressing the leaves above my head with gentle fingers.

I release.
No matter how hard I strain my ears, it will be
like hearing only the sting of a sharp-tongued "s"
and wondering what the rest of the word might have been.
I will never understand the whisperings of the breeze.

I turn.
I shout to myself in my head, scream until it hurts,
that there's nothing here for me, to drown the rest out
and I walk away, sensing a faint, yet gnawing feeling
that I have missed out on something.
Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Nargles
Review
Nargles wrote a review Review · Jun 25, 2012

This is a very good and well written poem. It really moved me in some way. It just captures how people feel about taking things slow. Your use of words are great and you paint a beautiful picture in my mind. The flow is excellent and doesn't seem forced.

Now to be a bit critical (sorry).
I feel that in some places the lines don't fit and don't make much sense.
For example

I release.
No matter how hard I strain my ears, it will be
like hearing only the sting of a sharp-tongued "s"

To me these two lines seem to just not work with the rest of the poem. It may just be me but I think that it just doesn't make sense.

I shout to myself in my head, scream

Okay I like the idea of this line and I know what you are trying to say but you can get to the point a lot quicker and easier.
try this instead:
I shout out in my head, scream

this is simply an idea and by no means do you have change it or anything, I like your way as well but this may just be a smoother way of saying it.

Apart from these you have done a great job with this poem and I really enjoyed reviewing it and reading it!
Terrific Job!! :)

Nargles xx


DevanEWilliams
DevanEWilliams replied · Jun 25, 2012

Thanks so much for the review! It's much appreciated.

User avatar
michaeld
Review
michaeld wrote a review Review · Jun 25, 2012

This was extremely well written, especially after only one revision! I loved the way you broke up the stanzas and started off each of them with a different action; this created some really nice suspense. The word choice was excellent throughout the whole piece and it flowed quite well. My favorite part of the whole poem was the very last line of the first stanza, "...that beautifully haunts my consciousness." Now on to the critiquing! Well, lucky you, I actually have only one thing! In the first stanza you say,

"This is one of those times, I realize"

I think you should've added an extra comma to make it,

"This is one of those times, I realize,"

It just sounds better to me and creates a pause in the reader's mind which helps create more feeling (at least for me). Other than that one, tiny, nit-picky thing, this piece of work was phenomenal! Great job and keep writing! BRAVO


DevanEWilliams
DevanEWilliams replied · Jun 25, 2012

Yeah, I think I might change that. Thanks for the review! :D



Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein