I am a brittle, broken girl
My body's made of glass
The pain that's chiseled on my face
Can never seem to pass
The monster pulls me down too deep
The sky has disappeared
The whispers of despair and loss
Is all that I can hear
Its claws grip hard around my wrist
And I am frozen still
It's stolen my voice and cracked my lungs
It's shattered all remaining will
I'm cracked and chipped and damaged
It's more than I can take,
But if I try to pull away
Then I will surely break.
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140,139 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I love how you wrote this. You have Brilliant rhyming skills and a beautiful selection of words. The meaning of this poem really has a deep meaning that is sure to stay with the reader.
"The monster pulls me down too deep"
I take that as a metaphor for the negativity from people around you and the negativity, and cruelty that you appoint to yourself.
"Its claws grip hard around my wrist"
I take that this line represents self harm.
"It's stolen my voice and cracked my lungs"
I take this line to mean that you've become afraid to speak up and talk to people, making you anti-social, afraid of what other people will think of you and judge you.
"But if I try to pull away
Then I will surely break."
I believe that this line means that that the alternative is much worse than the current state and place you are in currently.
Overall very well written, please do write more.
-K
I think this it great. I love the personification. You need to put in the first sentence I am a fragile,brittle girl. I told you to put that so your title makes more sense. In the fourth sentence after the word pass you need to me so it is a proper sentence. Then in the next sentence you need to put "The monster pulls me down. Other than that it is great. love the flow.
I really like this poem, the concept is used very often but I liked the use of words in this one. Something I really liked was the end where you said if you pull away you will surely break
Hi DevanEWilliams,
My favourite part of this poetry was the flow: you have an eye for rhythm and it shone in this piece. Usually one of the first things I have to say on YWS is to point how much a poem does not flow and how it reads badly but you picked the right teams to write a new line and it shows.
The only line that did break the flow a little is this one:
The word "remaining" really breaks the rhythm you have going and I suggest rewording this line.
Otherwise, I found that some of the language you used was a little too plain and straightforward. The idea of a monster pulling someone down too deep is a very overused idea and I think you can come up with something more creative. The problem is that its the main metaphor in this poem and therefore this did not resonate me overly.
I enjoyed the line "It's stolen my voice and cracked my lungs", especially the idea about lungs cracking. But many of your other lines are fairly boring, or they are awkward because the attempt to fit into your rhymes. Lines like "Then I will surely break" or "Is all that I can hear" are oddly written because you are desperately forcing an idea in to fit a rhyme. Try and be more creative if you want to use rhyme and make sure you do not have awkwardly written rhymes.
Otherwise, good job, this is one of the better efforts I've read on this site recently.
Very Good. I enjoyed it. It was very dramatic and it was pierced with darkness. I normally don't use that. lol. Anyway, the story was very good indeed. I find it to be a relatable story. I think people can relate to the girl in the story. The hurt she was feeling is very in depth. Good job!
Since this a review, I need to point out some things. You can't use 'And' or 'But' in a front of a sentence. It makes it a dependent clause. It can't be a dependent clause. I thought I let you. Well that's all. Keep writing!
Hope.
The intense imagery successfully portrays the profundity of the narrator's state of mind. It pin-points the feelings of "despair and loss" and causes the reader to experience these emotions first-hand. On a personal note, this poem resonated with what I felt upon loosing a loved one. You're truly gifted! Keep writing away!
I love this poem!!!!! The descriptions are really, and I mean really good. I mean: My body's made of glass? I would call that amazing description and that is one of the worst ones! I can really relate and I have thought all of this, just less descriptive. I can't believe how perfect you made this and please, never start writing.
It flows across the tong really well it has a very emotional feeling and good wording. Is The setting about a girl having nightmares because the part about monsters makes me think that it is a nightmare. It also makes me think about a song from the movie into the woods and the way it is written also makes me think of another poem that i wrote in school one thing you could add. would be using the word the a little bit less but besides that it is a very heartwarming and heartbreaking story if you write any more poems or stories I would like to read them.
I felt the same way a year ago. This poem is how everyone feels somewhere in their life. I think that having inspiration from what's happening right then is a good way to start a poem or book. I like how its fiction but its what's also happening in our head. I like the how the monster grabbed your wrist, why I like that is because its sounds like your parents are being mean to you and the monster is your parents.
I felt the same way a year ago. This poem is how everyone feels somewhere in their life. I think that having inspiration from what's happening right then is a good way to start a poem or book. I like how its fiction but its what's also happening in our head.
I like it it flows across the tong easily and it very emotional