While the sun is gleaming down at us,
waiting for us to come outside to play,
we sit around and wait all day.
For our dad works for months on in,
it was the day that he returned,
once it was dawn,
so we sat around until we yawn.
It's worth the wait,
but he comes home so late,
that we can't keep our eyes open,
until we hear the gate.
As we rush out the door,
and see the sun barely coming up,
we wrap ourselves in our daddy's arms,
while he ushers us to hurry so he can get a cup.
The army came the next day to get him,
to go back to work and once the light was dim,
they would set out to leave,
and probably not return,
leaving their families to grieve.
So we sat around,
and waited again,
for our father to return,
back into the den.
On the day that he was supposed to be here,
we got two men instead.
They wore army suits,
one had an American flag,
and the other a bag.
We watched as mommy fell to the floor,
sobbing quite loudly,
and one of the men told us that our father was a great man,
very kindly.
It was then that we realized,
that we would not see him another dawn,
because he was gone.
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138,008 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
!
I need a tissue.
That was absolutely devastating. Brilliant, but devastating. My good friend's father was in the army (he isn't anymore), and when he came home...it was magnificent. Her whole family had wide smiles, and it was just amazing. It's a great feeling when someone comes home from anywhere, really.
Now, your poem here, it was astonishing. I have never felt such a huge feeling of gratitude. Anybody who fought (fights) in the army is an amazing person. The army is just wonderful. Your poem brought tears to my tiny eyes, but that's a good thing.
This is amazing. I hope you continue to write like this because it's amazing.
-huez
Awe..
Thanks you, Holly.
I really appreciate that.
Pen has a Christmas Review for youuu~
Here we go~ *super junior plays* Mein Gott.
It's got a certain kind of sadness. It starts out joyful, and these kids are waiting for their dad, and then you just turn it dark. How horrid
It was fine, but there are a few nitpicks I found. Work on the rhyme scheme. It needs to be consistent. Next, add more depth and feeling and raw emotion into this. Try to appeal to your readers. I would suggest editing the format, making the stanzas clearer.
Ta.
God job, and keep writing <3
~Pen
You have chosen a good topic. It has plenty of facets which you can explore in your writing. I find, however, that for all of its emotional potential it lacks focus. You don't have much of an underlying theme in this poem. By theme, I do not mean story. This is definitely a story about something, but you simply follow it chronologically. It may help you to zero in on some physical object, or on an attribute of your dad. This would give you something to follow artistically throughout the story. As it is, this poem seems a bit more like a paragraph stating "just the facts," but formatted as a poem. It may also help if you gave more physical descriptions in your poem, as I am having trouble sustaining a visual of the setting. Like I said, you picked a great topic. However, you may find it helpful to connect with it more emotionally.
By the way, keep up your good use of lighting. I did get a clear picture of the time of day with descriptions like "the sun barely coming up" and "once the light was dim."