He was a tortured soul, yet he had many beautiful imperfections.
I knew what had happened to him, but he had this vibe to him...
It made me want to stay, made me want to see more.
I wanted to know this fragile being-- I wanted to comfort him.
The curl of his lips as he was reminded of the past worried me.
All I could think of to do was put my arms around him,
and make him forget about what was done to him.
I do believe he forgot how to be happy, but when he's with me,
he doesn't seem as lost as he usually does.
Yes, he's had a hard life, and yes, I'm worried about him,
but I won't make him talk about it, because it hurts him.
His soul has the scars to prove that he's mentally hurt,
but his face has the sincerity to prove that he has what it takes to forget.
He doesn't choose to forget, though.
He chooses to remember what it was like to be beaten, to be called a 'monster',
shunned and ignored and even abused,
so he can compare it to the life he has now.
To have proof that he once was a lost person.
And now, he's found. Saved from his worst nightmare.
Which shows others that they can be saved.
You can be saved- It's not too late.
And only one question remains--
do you want to be rescued?
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137,699 Literary Works • 672,061 Reviews
You're welcome, by the way.
I fixed it up, thanks for the credit.
Just kidding.
Hi Shinthroughthedark!
I really enjoyed reading this piece! It didn't just hold my attention, it grabbed my thoughts and heart. This piece was really nice because its easily relatable to everyone, from your point of view, and his. You shared your thoughts and feelings as well as his in a manner that is easy to grasp, yet has deeper meaning behind the words. One thing I appreciate about younger authors like you is the amount of depth and thought you put into your work. It's not something everyone can do/ is willing to do.
Like Meddle, I found nothing wrong with your grammar. It's perfection itself! That is vital in such a short piece so as not to distract your reader from the flow of the story.
I love how you added in that he was saved, and that if he can get through hi tortured past, everyone can. It invoked in me feelings of stepping back and appreciating all the things I have now, that there are people out there worse off than me and I only have to accept the help I am offered to get through my tribulations and be strong enough to face the past and my mistakes, not forget about them. I'm not sure if that was what you were going for, but that is how your piece affected me personally.
You did an excellent job in creating texture, character, and life to your story, without having to create an exact setting. I think that in itself deserves an applaud. It's not something everyone can do, including myself.
All in all, I think you created a simply inspirational piece that really struck me, and no doubt will be on my mind for the rest of the week!
~Sincerily,
Kakali
You know what?
That really makes me happy.
I really appreciate you and Meddle.
Thank you so, so much.
Hey shinethroughthedark,
You have a really beautiful reflective piece here and the diction means that anybody can approach it. Grammar wise i don't see anything, so let's get down to looking through all of this good content you have.
The opening is good and draws in your audience very well, and would say that it's your use of the word tortured in the first line because even if someone says that quietly in a room it sounds loud so very well done using it here. You also elicit from your audience this dying need to know what has happened to this person who is being written about, and yet in not telling us you maintain the credibility because in the next few lines you tell us it hurts him to talk about it.
The tone changes midway through which is good because I felt like as the reader that this guy was weak if he just wanted to forget that the past happened and yet you turned a phrase and made him a strong individual who wants to always remember the past out of respect rather than dwelling on it out of pity for himself.
I especially love the ending where you essentially "break the fourth wall" talking directly to the audience. This is rarity, I've only seen it a few times and it's used very well here. You're essentially asking the audience if we want to come to terms with our pasts and be saved whether by you or our own hopes and happiness.
Overall a great work and I look forward to more from you.
Best Regards,
Meddle
Thank you so much.
Kaylee gives me no credit. I cleaned it up for her, and adjusted a few things. So thanks, Kayyy.