That morning she hid her face,
and went to the only place
that she could not have space.
She plastered a smile
but staring down at the tile
her mind walked a mile.
The girl knew what she had become,
as she gazed at her feet,
she needed, she wanted to run
From all her mistakes,
every one of the fakes,
and even the pitiful heartbreaks.
But how can one run
when their business is not yet done
and they've still had no real fun?
It was a mystery,
all of her history,
and the secret misery.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,682 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Flame here! Go Icicles!
The title caught my eye. So I clicked on it to inspect, and I was...blown away. You'd expect an AAA scheme to brush memories of childhood, of rainbows and butterflies, all those rhymes so closely knitted...but it all contributed to the lugubrious atmosphere. Like there's reason for her misery, but it's unexpected. Not entirely hidden, just unexpected. What's more, none of it felt forced. My admiration increased with each stanza, as did the pace, as the result of the AAA scheme; I found my thoughts slipping so quickly I had to reread several sections. So does that reflect time, as well? How time's slipping through her fingers? Wow. All the thoughts that an AAA rhyming scheme spawns.
This is easily my favorite stanza. It flowed the best, the most naturally. But plastered a smile on...what?
I think this was already pointed out, but I found it an obstacle in the flow. Fake what?
I'm still hunting for the purpose of this stanza. For me, it was the choppiest, and I really think that the previous one would function better as a conclusion. So I'd just recommend clipping it.
Keep up the good work! Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Timmy here for a quick review!
So this was really cool. I liked how all of the lines in each stanza had a distinct rhyming pattern. Its not something you normally see in poetry, but it was really cool!
I loved your story line, too. Some poetry just drifts wherever the writer "feels", well this one has a distinct path, and I love that too.
To me it seems like its a person who has led a bad life, but doesn't know what exactly to do in order to get out of the life she has led. Messed up remedy And even her remedies of escape don't seem to work.
I have a few quick nitpicks, so here we go!
Like I said in the beginning of this review, your poem has a distinct pattern of rhyming to it... Except for a few lines.
Both lines still flow well, but they do break up that consistent rhyming, so I thought I would point it out.
I think that sums up my nitpicks! This was an awesome poem! It merits a like from me.
~Timmyjake
This poem is truly beautiful - the meaning one retains from it depends on the individual reading it. To me, it was as though the girl was going through some sort of existential crisis, wanting to do something meaningful but at the same time feeling incapable of it.
I hope that makes sense
The rhythm took me a few readings to grasp, but I like it. The ending is superb and yearns for continuation. You should definitely consider writing one.
Some words are not strong enough to fit the mood:
Could be changed to "flew" or something similar.
Try "stared" or "glanced" depending on what you are trying to say.
Those are the only places in need of more powerful language. Overall, this poem's imagery is perfect for the theme, uncertain and trembling and fugitive-like and oddly lovely.
This stanza would flow better like this:
I hope you find this helpful, keep on writing!!
Hey there! Alex here to review your poem!
I could tell instantly that this poem is quite deep and meaningful, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it too! I'm not 100% sure about what it is about but I still enjoyed reading it!
My favourite line was:
I just love how you made wanted into italics, it gave a quite dramatic mood to it!
Your grammar is mostly good, a few missed out punctuation at the end of lines in a few places, but I think it should be ok!
I wasn't so sure of the three line structure of it, when I read the third of every line I kind of kept on thinking "Where's the fourth?". It kind of spoils the rhythm of it. A fourth line would be a great addition to it!
Overall, great poem! Had a great feeling even though I didn't completely understand it.
One thing I like to say at the end of each review is that if you want, ignore this review! It's your work!
See ya!