I can feel myself fading-
Every single piece of me.
Every detail, just disappearing,
slowly,
into the darkness.
Once I'm gone completely--
once the dark world has fully consumed me--
I can see everybody still living.
Not even affected by my disappearance.
I listen to their joyful laughs piercing the silence of the shadows.
I watch their faces as they receive hugs from loved ones.
And I see my reflection.
Nothing but another shadow.
Lost in the darkness.
Not able to be found.
And I feel myself not just alone, but gone completely.
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
I love the variations in the lengths of your lines. I have a hard time reading poetry with excessively long lines, or ones that are too short. It still flows quite nicely, in my opinion, but I also agree with the other reviewers that you could use less commas, rearrange some lines and exchange a few words that seem out of place. For example, you could swap "not even affected" with "unaffected" and "not able" to "unable" in the last line.
Hey there, first off I'd like to say I enjoyed this. Really, I mean it.
"I can feel myself fading-
Every single piece of me."
You start off great, and it draws you in, while drawing out emotion. I love this!
The next line:
"Every detail, just disappearing, slowly, into the darkness'
I personally I like this line. To help with the flow though it would be good to break it apart and write it like this: (At least it's what I'd do).
"Every detail, just disappearing,
Slowly,
Into the darkness"
Though it works either way, and you of course being the author get to choose this.
The same can be said about the next line:
"Once I'm gone completely-- once the dark world has fully consumed me--"
Instead you could try:
"Once I'm gone completely--
Once the dark world has fully consumed me--"
The next thing is the line:
"Not even affected by my disappearance."
To me it seems a little chunky. Though again, this is another author preference. And honestly it's fine either way.
Its the same for this line, it slightly disrupts the flow, and I feel if you could break it apart, to reword it, it would work with the flow better. Again, this is not necessary.
"And I see my reflection.
Nothing but another shadow.
Lost in the darkness.
Not able to be found.
And I feel myself not just alone, but gone completely."
This part, I just love, love, love. I really like how it sounds as you read it out loud. I can really relate as well, but yeah, I Just love it. I really loved this whole thing, and really I'm interested in you work now. Thanks for sharing this.
-Haley
Well, thank you! I really appreciate that. I honestly do.
Great, I'm glad.
Hi Shine, a quick review on your poem here. I have seen a lot of poems about the darkness, but even I have tried to write it down (but failed).
Well, straight to the point here! I love it when a speaker trying to convey about how the darkness dominates the speaker with your own thoughts. It thus generates originality of the poem.
I like how you start the poem but somehow it becomes something that already looks familiar.
The poem in fact tells about yourself that getting lost in the dark and not heeded by others. All of that makes a poem written in the tone of voice that seems sad and gloomy. The thing is, it makes the reader tries to rebel for not wanting to feel the feelings shared by the poet. It is full of emotion which should be balanced(excessive emotion).
In your poem, you have this problem (I once do that on my first poem). So how to avoid a situation like this is not to express outright about what you feel. Just let the reader make their own conclusion.
Anyway, I really like this part. You really able to express your own idea in between you and the darkness. Good job! Again, I am not saying that you have a big trouble here. Just need to read more poems from a good writer to learn how they write their poem and practicing more and more, you will surely see the results soon!
Keep writing! Kudos, cheers.
Though this is sad, it's very lovely.
It's written in a way that we the readers can relate, yet it is still personal to you specifically. Bravo on that.
You've managed to draw readers in with the first couple of lines.
This line here:
"I watch their faces as they receive hugs from relatives. "
I feel like relatives doesn't flow very well. It seems almost too formal for the rest of the poem. Maybe "loved ones," or something of the sort?
"And I feel myself not just alone, but gone completely. "
I absolutely l o v e this line here. Seriously. This was a perfect ending to your near perfect poem. The "gone completely" part, specifically. It's like I can almost hear the silence that follows that sentence.
This shows you have some real talent. Keep writing!
I actually was going to put the "loved ones" part in, but before I could go back and re-edit, my sister was all like "I really like it! Publish it!". So, I did. I really appreciate what you said. About the whole thing. Thank you so, so much. It really does mean a lot.
^~^ What can I Say? It's great. I wanted you to publish it xD