I love you,
even if you yell at me.
You're still the person I met in 8th grade
even when you leave bruises on my wrists.
It was my fault when you hit me last night,
I'm sorry.
I love you,
even when you call me mean names.
You're still that same guy
that let me use your pencil
when I lost mine.
I know it was my fault
when I left your keys at my house.
That's why you slammed me into the wall,
right?
I didn't mean to make you mad.
I love you,
because you love me.
You just show your love
by leaving marks.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey shine~
Oh dear. This is a very sad topic. :/
I think that a few of these lines actually speak a lot. The fact that the speaker in this piece is saying it's their fault they're being beat is very accurate and incredibly sad.
I really only have one issue.
I mean, yes letting someone borrow a pencil is nice, but it's not really the reason people fall in love. It also makes it really hard to relate to the speaker because that's not enough to stay with someone. Yes. This speaker loves whoever they're talking to, but we need to know why if we're going to relate. What trait about this person makes the speaker love them? Even people who have terrible, terrible traits like the tendency to beat people, also have some sliver of good in them, even if only their significant other can see it.
I think that the goal you should set for yourself if you choose to rewrite this is making it to where even the reader likes the person who beats the speaker despites themselves.
I think that this is a good starting place for what could be a piece that really makes an impact on readers.
See ya,
Megs~
Hey shinethroughthedark,
I hope it was just a poem and nothing as such happened in real life.
Anyway, it was a good sad poem. You somewhat made me emotional too. The ending was superb too; I loved it.
I did not find any mistakes around too. Your flow was also amazing.
Looking forward to read of your work. Good luck.
This poem is certainly heart breaking!
And it was well written.
Grammar/Wording
3rd line "You're still the person I met in the 8th grade" seems a couple syllables too long. Possibly take out the 2nd "the".
Actually, it'd be a really good idea to count the syllables from each line a write it down. This way you can see which lines have too many syllables and if there is a way to have a pattern or meaning from the amount of syllables in each line.
Other Suggestions
In this line "that's why you slammed me into the wall, right?" I think you should capitalize "That's" and then put "right?" on a line by itself to mirror a few lines above when you put the reason for abuse "It was my fault when you hit me last night/ sorry"
I think the poem seems complete the way it is, but there is also room for extension. If you did extend it you might go into what type of a good person the abuser was in 8th grade, and maybe another reason the speaker likes him besides the fact that he lent her a pencil. (This seems like a pretty small act of affection).
It also seems like you could break this stanza into 3 stanzas; the line "I love you" the beginning of each stanza.
Content/Message
I liked the description you wrote of this poem, but I think you might want to consider writing an author's note, because I'm sure you're not trying to condone or affirm abusive relationships, but people sometimes don't read the descriptions on the first page.
Overall, this was very sad and you succeeded in portraying a lot of emotion and feeling through your poem. I would say the best part was the last four lines. The last four lines really sum up the poem nicely and show the sad mindset of the speaker.
Good luck in future writing.
~alliyah
Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.
I noticed that this is in the "other" category... is this not a poem?
Anywho, I liked this piece.
It's saddening, but yet it's sweet (the love for him, the devotion and all.)
I like the repetitiveness in the phrase "I love you"
It shows her true feelings for the man, despite of his behavior.
It's saddening at the same time because she was faithful, so loyal to him, even forgiving to even let him do this kind of behavior.
Nitpicks:
- I believe you should've spaced this piece out a bit, to make this poem easier to read.
Other than that, I don't see any grammar or content errors as far as I know of.
Keep up the great work.
I can't wait to read more.
Thank you so, so, so much!