You remember the curve of her body
not the holes in her soul.
You remember the touch of her lips
and not the slits on her wrists,
or the cuts on her hips.
Maybe you overlooked
the bruises that were beyond her control.
Don't you ever wonder why she left?
It's because you never made her feel whole
and always worked your way to where she never felt at rest.
And all you know now
is that the girl you love
became the you girl loved.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,585 Reviews
Hello!
Now those last two lines were a real punch.
This poem was touching and personal.
But I am also slightly confused. The person you are addressing this poem to, did he/she only love The Girl for her body? Then that really is not love, is it?
Either way this poem was great. Your grammar and punctuation is great too.
I am looking forward to reading more from you!
Well, not exactly. He loved the girl, but he also loved her body. And his love for his own needs pushed how she was aside, and pleasured itself.
Oh alright! Thanks for clearing that up for me.
Great work!
You're welcome!
And thanks.
This is gorgeous!
Awh, thanks. :3
I really like the ending (two) lines and the overall meaning/message, however the rhyming scheme sounds a bit odd to me. Maybe it's off syllabically I'm not sure - poetry is not my forte.
I like it though!
Well, when I first wrote, ot didn't have any rhyming in it. And it wasn't meant to. But people said it might come together more if there was rhyming in it.
Hey, Subtle here for a review! I really liked this piece, because of the message it conveyed and the way you've written it. It feels very real, raw and intimate. Especially the last two lines they are very impressive.
That's a wonderful and meaningful way to wrap up the whole poem, so well done! I love how you've described the boy always overlook the bad parts and just focus on the good ones. Never really cared for the girl and just used her for sex and other things. Is an important message there. However, I do have one little suggestion for you. I think, to make this poem more powerful, maybe you could separate it into stanzas? Or like @Jony has said below. Try some rhyming couplets, just a few it could make your poem easier and more enjoyable to read.
This is a really beautiful poem, I truly enjoyed reading it. Hope to read more of your work in the future! Best of luck in writing!
-Subtle
Oh, thank you so much!
Hey! I really liked this poem and think you did a great job with trying to get your point across.
So to start off with, I have to say that I really liked the last two lines, it is a really great way to wrap up the poem and I think it has a lot of meaning behind it. Not only that, but it ties everything you were writing together.
One thing that I could say you might want to try, is a rhyming scheme. I know it's definitely not required in poetry, but if you use it right, then it gives the piece a lot more power, which I think this particular poem might want to have. You don't even have to overload the poem with rhymes, just a simple scheme would work great for this, the last thing you want is to try forcing rhymes. Rhythm-wise, I don't think there is any issue, if you used a pattern for rhythm, it might tighten things up a little, but I think the whole poem read very smoothly and there would be almost no need for one.
All in all, I think you did a nice job and I hope to read more from you soon! As always, keep writing and have a great day!
Thank you!