The Beautiful Imperfect Creation.

I agree with penandsword and the various other reviewers. Why don't you do a bit of editing and rework this piece? I find that when I lose inspiration for writing new pieces, editing my old ones helps a bit, if only to occupy me until inspiration strikes again! Also, take note of penandsword's suggestions, because I think the way she reworded some things makes this poem seem clearer, because it is confusing at times. Also, punctuation! You don't need a comma to denote the end of a line; that's what line breaks are for! All in all, I enjoyed reading this poem. May I suggest a freestyle poem? I find that they are much easier to write. With rhyming poetry, you have to make sure your words follow your rhyme scheme, which means rearranging and swapping words with their synonyms. Sometimes the meaning you're trying to convey is lost in translation.

I think that this one a bit odd, but it was still good. I liked the main concept of the piece, but after skimming the other reviews, I don't think that what I pictured and what they pictured were the same things.

"Not for long,

just so you can rest, "

This can be changed to make it flow better, right?
Right.
"it won't be for long,
just a quick rest."

Much better, ne?


"Don't worry,
though,
I'll help you still,"

You don't need to put the word 'though' on a new line. It fits perfectly in the spot right after 'worry.' With it like how you have it, it creates an unnecessary pause and disrupts the flow. Not good.


"but I won't be there to watch you till,

the sun rises up above the trees,

and the wind lets out a cooling breeze. "

Okay, I really liked that last line, but there shouldn't have to be a comma right after the word 'till.'

"It won't be long,

till you're lost again,"

The 'till' is a bit redundant at this point, isn't it? try 'until.'


"but while I'm waiting,

for that time to come,"

'But' can be easily swapped for 'and' But to delve deeper into to the meaning. For what time? What are we waiting for? It needs to make sense!


"I'll sit in the place,

that you are from."

'where' instead of 'that' seems like it would make the poem flow more smoothly to me.


"But it seems to me,

that you're something I can't explain,"

Now, these lines seem severely out of place. They distract from the poem. Perhaps it's just me, but let's nip it in the bud.
Why not try replacing 'but' with 'and?'

"which means that the lair is empty,

yet again."

Lastly, you need strong closing lines. Try to make them powerful, mystical, and make them draw the reader in, make them want more.
Try revising it, like this;

"and now my lair is quiet,
for it is empty once again."

Next, your plot. The others pictured somebody offering help but they can't unless the person has faith in themselves.
To me, I pictured the narrator as a spider. And the lair was the spiders web. Now, trust me, it's weird, but it's not a mean spider. It's a nice spider with a nice plain rest home for it's fly friends. Maybe that's not what you meant to portray, but that's what I got out of it. Try being clearer?

If you just revise your poem a little, and fix the stray errors, misplaces commas, uneeded apostrophes, etc., it will be at it's best! So, try it, why don't you?

Anyways, good job, and keep writing!
~Pen

Hi there, um.. i don't really know what to say about your poem.. i loved it.. i find it deep as it did touch me inside. while reading, it made me think i'm telling myself; "i wanna help you, but i can't do that unless you believe in you and have some hope. I'll let you go now, but i'll be waiting for you when you're back" then suddenly, i'm confused and interrupted.. I don't know any more what have i been thinking about and where i have been.
I loved it! I kept reading it over and over to feel that pleasure of being lost...

Hey shinethroughthedark! Converse here for a reviewww!
I like this a lot, it's a very nice poem and I thought that it was easy to read in the sense that it was well presented and in my opinion, I thought that you have made the line breaks perfect. Line breaks are hard to place, and I tend to make the odd error with line breaks, so well done on making them fine.
I re-read this about 3 times too, and each time it grew more and more on me, I particularly like how you've made it rhyme to, it's great!
Overall, great work, I love this poem.
-CFG
(P.S I LOVE YOUR NAME OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO LIVE BY THAT QUOTE THINGY.)

Very good poem, I like your choice of words,it was very original,and different, which is something I really look for in the poems that I choose to read. However I would have liked it to be a little bit long,and could have put in more detail and flavor,but overall,it was a good poem. Keep on writing and reading other poems for ideas and inspiration. I than you for sharing it with us

I was drawn in by the title. It's a very intriguing one indeed.

I found several misplaced commas, and an apostrophe in the word "let's". It should be "lets", meaning allows, instead of the contraction meaning let us.

I like the usage of the lair. It makes it seem like the whole ordeal was strictly business. The last lines where it mentions the lair being empty again only enforces that. As if that sort of thing has happened before and you just have to get used to it.

The narrator's voice is encouraging yet somehow, sad. Great job on that. It gives an unspoken backstory to the speaker.

There were times when you lost the rhyming and rhythm, or just changed it altogether. There's room for improvement. You could perfect it!

Great job. I enjoyed this

It seems to me,

that you've lost your way.

Step into my lair,

and I'll let you stay.

Not for long,

just so you can rest,

and go back out to do your very best.

Don't worry,

though,

I'll help you still,

but I won't be there to watch you till,

the sun rises up above the trees,

and the wind let's out a cooling breeze.

It won't be long,

till you're lost again,

but while I'm waiting,

for that time to come,

I'll sit in the place,

that you are from.

But it seems to me,

that you're something I can't explain,

which means that the lair is empty,

yet again.