The Best Way To Live

Hi there! Here to leave a few thoughts on your lovely poem (welcome to YWS by the way).

I like the positive attitude this poem took. I've been seeing more poetry like this lately that I kind of label "self-help poems" where people try to motivate people through poetry to sort of seize the day. I think poetry is a great medium to do this because you have the opportunity to incorporate imagery and metaphor and emotion into a memorable and meaningful piece.

I have two main points of improvement that I think you can work on

1) Punctuation
Now a lot of people will comment on punctuation and grammar like it's the end of the world, and it isn't. A poem is rarely made or destroyed by a single misplaced comma. But punctuation, grammar, and capitalization do certainly contribute to the overall flow of the poem and how polished it appears on the page -- both aspects that affect how a reader will interpret the piece.

So in this piece there are quite a few extra commas. Often they were in the first line of the stanza. I would suggest just taking a second look and grabbing a few of those. Think of how the lines would read as sentences and pick out where the punctuation goes that way. Besides that I loved that you kept fairly consistent in your line length and stanza length -- this helps flow immensely and makes the poem look nice and clean on the page.

Here's a resource on punctuation if you're interested in further tips: ABC's of Punctuation in Poetry

2) Cohesion of Narrative/Theme
Now the second part I think has room for improvement is the cohesion of the narrative. I have trouble finding one common theme in your poem. There are several themes presented like confidence, independence, attention, authenticity, pain, and endurance -- but they're not all linked together. Each stanza almost deals with a new issue. I think it's great that you want to address all of these topics (better to have too many than too few ideas right?) but the argument you make would be more convincing if you picked a few with a common thread to build one common story so the reader doesn't get lost in what you're saying.

I would recommend sort of thinking about what you want the overall message of the poem to be and then take all the lines that don't address that topic and save them for another poem. Make the poem streamlined and it will be super clear for readers to understand and more memorable as well, with less loose-ends especially in a poem like this that is almost like a persuasive article.

Overall
Overall I like a lot of what you're doing here. You build some good imagery with the rain and the race metaphor. You also tackle some really important issues. I do think however that a little more clarity in punctuation and in overall message would go a long way.

Best of luck in your future writing and please let me know if you have any questions about my review!

it is a review.
I do not know what to say...it just stopped me thinking for a while and cry.reality truly very different than virtual life.I just wanna say....wow!
what It shows that you captured the opposite face of a person and when we treated by reality we can realized the truth.good wishes for your great poem..love you.

Hi Chitz! I'm Cat and am here for a quick review!

So this is a really nice poem overall, but I'm a little nitpicky on details. Just hang in with me here!

"These sorrows, these pains,

Don't take them along, they are just vain. (vain feels wrong here, but I can't think of anything else! xD)

This life is a, long way to go, (the comma after a is unnecessary)

And everyone has to face difficulties,

Otherwise they can't grow. (It almost feels like if you face difficulties, the difficulties grow, but I don't know how else to word it!)

Everyday, wake up, with some dare to do, (Did you mean which instead of with? It makes more sense)

A goal cannot be accomplished in a single day, you also know. ('also' does not feel necessary here)

If problems are there, find their antidotes,

No one's there for you, you have to fight alone. (This is more of a personal thing, but you are never alone in your fight! )



Work hard, day and night,

To win the race and own that pride.

But never forget the 'real you' inside,

Because ones it dies, would never be brought to life. (once instead of ones; the last part feels super weird, I would change it to 'it can never be brought back to life' or something similar)



Don't pay attention, to what people say,

Jump, dance and play in the rain.

Also never let the 'real you' be lost, (this almost feels redundant because you just said this but I say keep it because I don't know what else would go here)

Cause he's the idle character in the play of life,

Who teaches us how the script should continue."


Sorry for beings so picky, but overall great poem with a great message! Keep writing!