Fly,fly butterfly
In the clear sky,
By flapping your wings
High,high and high.
Come on my hand
And sit for a while
Do sing a song with a dazzling smile.
And then,when you fly up in the sky,
A feeling comes like i am also a butterfly,ready to fly high in the sky.
This was my first poem which i wrote in fifth grade.
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140,071 Literary Works • 672,990 Reviews
Hello I'm going to review your poem a little
holy shit you wrote this when you were in fifth grade??
please share your talent???
Like this is so good, SO good. i really loved it a lot. I go such a huge nostalgic feeling when I was reading this and it really made me so happy.
I'm glad you kept this over the years and I'm beyond glad that you decided to share it. Thank you.
I look forward to seeing more from you.
have an amazing day!!
>Adrian
Thanks for the words of appreciation. Feeling delighted.
Hey hey, Ardently here for a review!!!
Firstly, I had to do a bit of maths. Fifth grade is like 10 or 11 right? Either way damn, this is way better than any of the weird Robin Hood tv show rip off fanfic I wrote back then lol.
Alright, enough about my writing history and onto your writing history and my reviewing present. I enjoyed this poem. It's short and simple, but really really sweet. It's quite peaceful and idyllic to read, and gives me quite a nice mental image.
Like Shey mentioned, the rhyming is quite nice. I've seen a lot of poems that don't rhyme, but here it really adds to the whimsical air that this poem has. It makes it feel kind off floating and light as you read it, kind of like the butterfly that it's about, so it's a really great choice stylistically. Also damn, that is a far greater handle of how to rhyme than I had when I was 10 lol.
I know my fellow reviewers have given some good critiques, and I mainly agree with what they say that there are a few issues with flow and clarity and punctuation, but I don't really think they detracted too much from my enjoyment of the piece.
I really like the bit at the end where you compare yourself to the butterfly and the whole idea of freedom and wanting to fly away. It's a nice ending that made me smile.
Basically, if this was your first ever poem a few years ago, I'm excited to see what you've written since then!
~ Ardently <3 ~
Thanks a lot. It really encourages the beginners like me to put more of our potential into the work.
Hello!
I would like to salute to you that you have kept this wonderful piece ever since you were a child. It is a great thing to look back to your past works to learn and improve from it. It was fun a read and very cute~ One can experience the feeling of a child just about a simple butterfly flapping its wings towards the sky. Great imagery for a child to create this. Have a few problems with the usage of spacing and the flow though but I know, everyone makes mistakes and from that we grow up as a new individual that will travel sky high. I suggest you to be more concise and have clarity of flow of what was happening inside the poem.
Such an amazing feat to start writing at an early age and thus have a lot more experience. Keep up the good work and don't let any harsh people destroy your dreams. Also please write your author's note at the top so that it won't be mistaken by other people as "childish". Again, great work.
Have a great day!
Thanks%uD83D%uDE04
Good day!
Upon reading on the first few lines of your work, it sounds so childish. But when I was able to finish reading the entire work, it slightly amazed me, thinking that someone can make that kind of work on his or her 5th grade. It is a great idea that you put the grade when you wrote at the end of your work to tease the mind of the readers. On the other hand, some readers won't have the courage to continue reading your work.
In addition, there is an inappropriate usage of punctuation marks such as comma.
This is just based on my own perspective, hope you like it. Thank you for sharing and letting me learn from your work.
Thanks for the punctuation part. I will keep it in mind.
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
Firstly, I'll start by welcoming you to the site! Hope you enjoy your time here! If you ever have any questions, ask anyone who's name is in green or red.
On to the review! You mentioned that you wrote this in fifth grade, and that it was your first poem. Firstly, I would start by putting that message at the beginning, in bold or something. This is just so readers can tell it isn't part of the poem, cause I admit I had to double take before realizing it was an author's note.
My next comment is that after punctuation, such as commas, periods, and exclamation marks. In this specific example, only the comma part applies, but it's good to remember. Anyway, yes, there should be a space after every comma. You may or may not have been aware of that, but I figure I should be safe and point it out anyway.
As for content of the poem, I enjoyed the piece. For a fifth grader, you knew how to rhyme. XD I won't say the rhythm is perfect, however, cause it could use some work. Still, for something written by someone so young, it's very impressive. My issue with the rhythm lies in the first few lines. You have an AABA rhyme scheme, yet the syllable count is 5/5/5/4. I'm not great with syllable counts myself, but I feel like the first line is too long, and the last line is too short. I would suggest adding some words and removing some words--minor words that don't affect much--so that the rhythm seems a bit more controlled.
Overall, great job! Keep up the great work, and I look forward to seeing more from you!
Thanks for the advice.