Charlie Applewood & A World of Her Own

Hey Chevy,

This story is a little all over the place. Its problems come down to lack of clarity both technically and with regards to your story itself.

While you manage to attain an easy to read rhythm and occasionally mystifying description, your prose is bogged down by some ambiguous antecedents, confusing structures, a bunch of unnecessary repetition, and a lack of focus in your story itself. A more invisible narrator might suit your story better too.

For an example to your use of ambiguous antecedents and confusing structures consider this paragraph:

Now Charlie knew that her mother was well aware of her love for writing and drawing and the color red-violet, but even though she was grateful, she couldn’t help but be curious as to why she received an ink pen as a birthday gift. Just two days before, Mrs. Applewood had promised her something really special for her birthday this year. She wasn’t exactly expecting an ink pen. She looked up at her mother and smiled, as she tried to hide the fact that she was a little confused as to why she received the ink pen.

Both Charlie and her mother are female, and as such the use of "she" and "her" might refer to either of them. Although context eventually clarifies who is who, it takes a great deal of concentration to stay with you. Furthermore, Charlie knew that her mother was well aware? That is long and hard to follow. Although I like your sentence variation, as a Kidlit writer, you cannot write confusing and long sentences. I might have written the above paragraph as follows:

Now, although Charlie's mother knew of Charlie's love for writing and drawing, Charlie could not help but be curious as to why her mother gave her an ink pen as a birthday gift. She was grateful, and she really did like the color red-violet, but she was a little disappointed. Mother had promised her something really special for this birthday, and a pen was not quite what Charlie had in mind. She looked up and smiled at Mother, trying to hide her disappointment.
Much more brief and straight forward.

And then there is the repetition. We know what color the ink pen is after the first time you tell us. We also know what color the ink is. On top of that we know what color the silver maple trees were. And then the repetition of the grandfather's message three times is a little bit of overkill. You need to keep the story moving, and I understand the need for stressing big themes, but you don't want your story to become tedious in the process.

The story itself seems unfocused so far. Why in heavens name did the mother not write anything in the book? Why did Charlie, who acted so disappointed in the pen become so excited at the books? Why did she wait until her mother had died before she began writing in the books? If her writing caused her mother's death, tell us you are writing the story about how it did so. Also, what does drawing and naming an island have to do with a rocket? It seems random and out of place.

On top of this, it is not a very good idea to kill a character when only two characters exist. That's like killing off half of your cast. Readers, even young ones, need character interplay to breathe life into their reading experience. These characters should be engaging. Like Charlie and Veruca Salt and Augustus Gloop and Mike TV and the grandfather from Charlie in the Chocolate factory.

Your story has potential, but it is looking unfinished for the moment. Its structure and bones need work to make it into something really good.

All the best,
Yoda