I died on Salem Bridge
above the Salem River
where my father takes his boats out
in the middle of the night.
where he sips his loyal moonshine
and doesn't come back to the house
until he's hanging over the boat and
ready to drown himself.
and we know him by his lantern
as he holds it over the water
searching for an answer to a question
he's too drunk to explain.
he thinks there could be gold down there,
fallen men of war,
a letter from the Queen, or
Faure at his piano.
to him, it could be Jesus
or an old friend half alive.
but he'll never understand why
until the night he's
sober enough to wonder
"what ever happened to my daughter?"
he will finally know the question
the whole town's been asking him
and it will lead him to the Bridge
that will lead him to the answer
that will lead him to his daughter
dying on Salem Bridge
above the Salem River
where he takes his boat out
in the middle of the night.
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140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
i really like the first two lines and i think this is really good....but it stops a bit suddenly
Gorgeous. Brad seems to have stolen my comments before I even thought of them, so I'll leave my comment at that. Also, I'm a big proponent of punctuation in poetry, but I think the bare-bones punctuating structure you have going here works extremely well.
I love the first stanza and the last. Really powerful poem but maybe it needs more punctuation (?)
Sorry I can't be more helpful.
Charlotte
Morgan -
I really enjoy reading your recent work, not that the older stuff was bad, but it's good to see you pushing at the envelope.
In this piece, the first strophe suffers because it's too circumscribed by the character, while S2-4 are expansive, providing a better link for the reader to use them as a launch pad.
S5-Close are quasi-Romantic junk, where each stanza repeats the theme without developing it. They could be reduced to one strophe.
Overall, this was a pleasure to think about.
Take care,
Brad
I agree that this was entrancing, I actually really liked this, original, and just quite...I don't know what the word is so I will just reapted and use entrancing
All the best,
Meevs
x
This is really good, I couldn't peel my eyes off the computer screen. I love the parallel with Salem and all those people dying during the Salem Witch Trails, it's almost if, the narrators father doesn't notice, because he's waisted, and the narrator is just another one who as died in Salem.
I felt like you could have used "Salem" more throughout the poem since it seems in the beginning and the end that it is important that these events happened in Salem. The part where the father looks for the items on the bottom of the river seems random; none of them connect or to me have any relation to the rest of the poem.
and doesn't come back to the house
This line seemed cluttered. The words around it seeme flowy, but this one seems choppy and staccato. If you meant it like that, no problem. If not, consider getting rid of the harsh-sounding contraction.
and we know him by his lantern
I like this line. Probably because it starts with "and" I don't like how it continues into a second line, though. I think it could stand alone without the "as" in "as he holds".
and it will lead him to the Bridge
that will lead him to the answer
that will lead him to his daughter
I like the effect of "that will lead" repetition. Alot! I think it could end here, or even with
dying on Salem Bridge
above the Salem River
It's fine as it is, but it just seems a little drawn-out to me, and the repetition at the end of what was said in the beginning seemed unnecessary because it didn't give a different feeling at the end because of what was said in the middle.
The first two lines were creepy, but they are well-done, and it is an effective creepy. I wish you had told more about what happened to the daughter. Even though it seems more important for the father not to know than for the reader to know what actually happened, I wonder if it would impact the reader more to realize just how much the father didn't notice.
Thumbs up overall!
-Amelia
Weird. But somehow entrancing. I dont think it suits poetry really; it reads better as a song.
Oh...potential...
Yes, I think a revamped fully-narrative version could be more interesting. And punctuation helps.
As for content.... Well, make it more poetic if that makes sense.
It seemed awkward as far as flow went, and there were no thought-provoking phrases or literary devices. Play with metaphors and similes, and your repetition seems ill-used.
Read around. It helps
~Ed
Thanks guys.
Oregon Girl: I wrote this on a whim and seriously did not even think about punctuation, or even to some extent, structure. However, I will probably work on it some more.
Write Me: Yes, it probably is more narrative, but for 2 1/2 years, it's just been a habit to post in this section. I'm trying to get out of that, though.
I feel like this would serve better as narrative poetry. The story is actually very good, but 'dramatic poetry' is not very fitting to the piece. If it is in fact narrative, I won't say much here, but if you still believe this to be dramatic then I shall have many a word.
WM
WOW! I really liked this! Good description! um...I think maybe you need a little more punctuation but except for that great poem!
