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Young Writers Society



Connection

by Chevy


He sat on the edge of his bed at midnight staring at into the night.
Straight ahead is nothing but an empty field.
Barren-a piece of the earth that the world has forgotten about.
It must have been a hundred years ago when it was something worth looking at.
Maybe one day back then; it was not the dry piece of crap it is now.

He can't see how you can possibly forget about something that's apart of you.
It's been there as long as you have-maybe even longer.
How can you just drive by it, in you? Knowing its death was your own fault.

You truly puzzled him,
Always worried about your world,
Never considering what's going on in thee world which you belong to.
Oh, you know, you never cease to amaze me.
Driving along your close-minded street, absorbed in all that's yours.
Just in case you haven't noticed, there's a world out there dying.
Waiting for you to come around.

He leaned back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling.
He had practically consumed his life with some barren field.
His philanthropic spirit, perhaps, is causing him pain.
He's connected to it-in a strange sort of way.
Maybe it's because that field was him.

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Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:29 pm
SharonPie01 wrote a review...



It is really good.I like it.There are some thing to it.

staring at into the night.
In my opinion it would be better as "Staring into the night" I don't really get the "at" in this.

How can you just drive by it, in you?
Why did you put in the "in you?" I don't think it makes sense but I kind of like it.

Oh, you know, you never cease to amaze me.
Which point of view are you using?

His philanthropic spirit, perhaps, is causing him pain.
He's connected to it-in a strange sort of way.
Maybe it's because that field was him.
I love the ending.Its so unique! Well done!




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Thu Jan 13, 2005 1:27 am
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Yeah, I think it was pretty good. I really enjoyed it and thought it was very thorough. Really made me think.

I will have to agree with everyone else about the last line, it was the best line in this poem, and was a really good way to end it.




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Wed Jan 12, 2005 3:37 pm
Chevy says...



You have a good concept and a strong closing line,


The closing line and the concept were the only reason why I didn't totally trash this poem.




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Tue Jan 11, 2005 10:59 pm
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Sam says...



and YES! that was the lamest thing I've ever said in a critique!




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Tue Jan 11, 2005 10:59 pm
Sam wrote a review...



I agree with Incandescence on some things...but then again, just some! I really liked the first stanza, it reminds me so much of home...*fake sniff* anyway, cool poem. :D I really like your work, Cars and Guitars. Keep at it!




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Tue Jan 11, 2005 6:46 am
Incandescence says...



You had some lines here that really had a good flow/rhythm to them. Others were very disjointed and didn't fit in. You have a good concept and a strong closing line, but I think it should be reworked in the body before it will reach maximum impact.




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Tue Jan 11, 2005 5:15 am
Chevy says...



How can you just drive by it, in you?


I don't know how the heck that "in you" got there, but I kinda like it there...even though it doesn't make much sense.





*gestures in butterfly meme*
— BluesClues