once it's the new year,
it's all over
sitting in a crowded waffle house
just off the interstate.
and everyone's saying,
"hey, it's been raining all year"
as the drunk kids tumble in
and grab the last of empty seats.
and there were six scene kids
stacked in a narrow booth by the door
two of them were smashed against the window
in their tiny Beatles shirts and wornout vans.
their cheap make up (had been) ruined by the rain.
and to me, they were a small army of clowns
successfully, they always entertained
but failed to make sense to anyone
and scared hundreds of little kids to death.
and the drunk kids' piercing laughter carried on
as they swayed back and forth a few booths down
with their wet hair filled with glitter
and shiny black stilettos
their fake silk party dresses falling from their shoulders
and they were just fools, with dull, dull eyes
yeah, they were fools, with dull, dull minds.
so I guess this is where miracles began;
in an outdated diner with bright yellow walls
when a sky dark as coal means it's time to wake up
and where the drunk kids and the scene kids wait together
for the rain to stop
and what's to come next
and I haven't seen this kind of thing all year
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey, thanks everyone...especially Fabien. I'm glad you appreciated the imagery, that's really the only point I was trying to make. I apologize for the awful structure and such, but I must admit, I wrote it in the car on the way home from the Waffle House, listening to Bright Eyes on my iPod. Heh. I guess I should have given myself a day or two.
Thanks again.
This comment is just for the imagery, I don't know about other readers but I get vivid images flashing in front of my eyes as I digest the words, letting them soak into my brain. In other words, I'm in the waffle house with them all, I can see your characters, I can hear them, everything.
I like your descriptions of the scene kids, it seems that they're a tad different in the US compared to in Canada. I like how you compared them to clowns, it produced very interesting images for me.
For imagery I think these were the best bits:
Every line from stanza three to stanza five
&
"in an outdated diner with bright yellow walls
when a sky dark as coal means it's time to wake up"
Well, I surely hope you won't discontinue writing, Chevy.
I think it's hard to do (that is, make real life experiences profound and actually meaning something to the audience), but you pull it off quite nicely. I especially loved how it all came together wonderfully in the last (full) stanza.
There are times when things get "too real" though, and it ceases to feel much like poetry to me. The third stanza (excepting the last line, I guess) exemplifies this.
And like Phorcys said, the repetition in those two lines isn't flattering to the idea presented.
Overall, a very intriguing poem. I don't remember having read anything of yours in a long time, and this was quite refreshing - I look forward to repeating the experience.
Thanks WL,
But for everyone: just out curiousity, aside from the fact that the structure...well, sucks, how is the imagery? I've been experimenting with applying real-life situations that I myself experienced and putting it into my writing.
Any comments? Suggestions regarding this?
It's a very run-on piece. I think you have a good idea here, but I think you need to work on not having so many run-on sentences in your poem. For example, "and" recurs quite frequently; maybe if you take a few of those out, it would be paced a little better. I think what Cameron was trying to say was that the poem wasn't paced as well as it could be. You're a talented writer, Chev, and I hope that you continue to write a lot more!
Good job!
Wiggy
Imagination is all good and well, but the "system" of poetry requires the taking of that imaginative thought and moulding it into a configuration of expression. Thoughts and imagination alone do not cut it, they are untamed and unfashioned. It is through honing and fashioning these untampered ideas that you produce poetry. Cheers,
Cameron
I actually meant to take that second line out, and thanks.
And to Cameron: I am aware structure and consistently in poetry is extremely important, however, it is not a system. It is an expression of imaginative thought.
I find that this is all over the place. Decide on an approach to your topic and then pursue it proficiently and cleverly. Poetry does not consist of unmethodical information slapped onto a page, you must make more of an attempt to capture the intricateness of this art. Cheers,
Cameron
I dont like the repetition here, it seems immature compared to the rest of the highly interesting and mature verse