This poem is lovely and ahhh...so melancholy. I love the feel of it, the simple yet beautiful language.
This is wonderful:
In the shut dark of my eyes,
I am the man almost across. Around me,
the sound of breaking up rises to a roar.
Ahead stands my unrequited lover--brilliant
and beautiful under the thinnest sickle of moon.
I especially like the pun of ice "breaking up" and the isolation of the girlfriend. Thank you for posting.
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This was wonderful. There wasn't a moment it was off flow and the analogies were perfect. I also loved the scence you showed throughout. Really nice!!
Keep at it!
-Rieda
Who is "we"?
The way this is phrased makes it sound like the braid dangling is a result of the unbuttoning. I had this strange image of her braid being tucked into her shirt and falling out as she takes the shirt off...maybe that's just me being weird. Obviously, I know that's not how it was intended to be, but perhaps NOT placing them right next to each other with only a comma to divide.
I thought that having this alone and in italics was a little melodramatic. Sure, it's an important statement, but un-italicizing and/or lumping it on with something else might be better. Still, it's fine the way it is.
This seems like your eyes are a shut dark or a place of shut darkness. Is this intended? It seems like it would be less awkward as "In the shut dark(ness) behind my eyes". Not sure on that one.
Like Chevy, I enjoyed the connection between breaking up and ice splitting; it wasn't awfully blatant, but it wasn't impossibly subtle, either, so very effective.
Colleen
I can see some sort of life journey, however placid it maybe. Is he coming or going or staying? I suppose in that one can find beauty.
~Capn't Six
LOL, am I meant to buy that XD? Hmmph, I suppose when I get the money, I'll do that, if only out of curiosity. More likely I'll see if there's a copy in the library.
Thanks, lmao.
Jig -
http://www.amazon.com/Songbook-Selected ... F8&s=books
Best,
Brad
I had difficulty understanding this. Especially just who exactly it was whose POV we were sharing. Thats the clicnher there, cos I thought I knew but apparently I was wrong.
Its very easy to picture whats happening but very hard to understand why, both in the sense that your giving us an unexplained end scene and in the sense that Im wondering what im meant to take from this, emotionally or otherwise.
Its a lovely piece of description though, I'll give you that, and I enjoyed reading it as such. But again, I need a before scene else this is just a random unconnected splinter of colour rather then a painting that tells a story.