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Young Writers Society


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hi

by CharlotteS


Hi,

So you know who I am...but you don't know I'm the one writing this. You don't  know that the impact you have had on my life is quite spectacular. But let's start at the beginning.

When you sat down across from me I just sorta melted. I looked at my sister, mouth wide open. From the day you walked in I thought you were cute and hot and just.....perfect. Then we started to look at each other more and you noticed me. It was nice. Then one day I called you greedy. You looked at me,  shook your head and grinned. Well, that melted my heart. From that day forward we talked every time we saw each other, throwing insults the others way. That was until last week when you complimented me. You complimented me. I don't know why. But you did. And then you complimented me again. And throughout the entire evening you couldn't stop looking at me. When I looked at you, you smiled. Every time you said something that made me laugh your face lit up. So, what does all this mean? 

Do you like me? Do I have a chance? Maybe you have a girl friend and you're just playing me. I hope not. Because I haven't felt this way for a long time. I want to get to know you better but I don't want to get attached or friendly in case I do something that makes you hate me. I don't want to end up just being another girl in your life. If I do end up being a girl in your life I want to be the one and only girl in your life. But I probably am thinking to far into this. Just because you know my name and talk to me doesn't mean you like me, no matter how much I wish that was the case. I just wanted you to know, if this continues I'm going to fall for you. And I hope you are there to catch me, because if you aren't...well, I don't know what willl happpen. 

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Sun Mar 26, 2017 12:13 am
RoseTulipLily wrote a review...



Happy review day. That being said, let's get started with the review.

Criticism:

'You don't know that the impact you have had on my life is quite spectacular.' So while this sentence is particularly wrong, it would be quicker to say "You don't know that the spectacular impact you have had on my life." It just seems smoother and gets the point across right away, but this is just a suggestion and my opinion so make of it what you will.

'From that day forward we talked every time we saw each other, throwing insults the other's way.' Is the correct way to say this.

'Maybe you have a *girlfriend* and you're just playing me.' Is the correct way to say this.

You overuse the word 'just' quite a bit here, so maybe try deleting a few of them. They seem unnecessarily extra.

'But I probably am thinking *too* far into this.' Is the correct way to say this.

'Just because you know my name and talk to me doesn't mean you like me, no matter how much I wish that *were* the case.' Is the correct way to say this.

'And I hope you are there to catch me, because if you aren't...well, I don't know what *will* *happen*.' Is the correct way to say this.

Criticism aside, I think this was a very sweet story. It seemed like a very realistic perspective of a teenage girl in love with someone and I could not help but smile whilst I read this entire story. The occasional mistakes in grammar and spelling don't distract from the story, but they are glaringly obvious, so just fix them real quick. Your writing is slowly but surely improving, however, so keep it up! After all, practice makes perfect! ;)




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Sun Mar 26, 2017 12:01 am
MeisterChan wrote a review...



Hey, CharlotteS! ScytheMeister here for a quick review! :)


What I liked:

1. I liked the concept; it was so sweet and adorable. The length of this girls emotions is so admirable and I found her nervousness about wanting to know if he liked her just so utterly cute!!
But also, although I don't particularly have any same experiences, I imagine that this is relatable, especially for younger teenagers; which brings me onto my second point/side note. The layout and structure of this work was well suited for someone of that age range (young teenager).

2. I loved the last paragraph! It was read like a jumble of nervous stutters and anticipating thoughts; I loved how so many ideas were mashed together:

Maybe you have a girl friend and you're just playing me. I hope not. Because I haven't felt this way for a long time. I want to get to know you better but I don't want to get attached or friendly in case I do something that makes you hate me.


It really proved to show the worry and feelings of the character; she was even so scared of losing him to suggest that he may have ulterior motives. Whilst some may say that's a horrible notion, I think it's somewhat lovely.

What I Did Not Like:

1. There was a change between perspectives: Formal and Informal. If you are unaware, formal is when something is written or presented with etiquette and is suitable for an important occasion. For instance, when writing to an authoritative figure (e.g. teacher, doctor, etc).
Informal, however, is when something takes on a free and relaxed style, such as writing to a friend.
The appropriate style for this work is informal.

You will need to change certain words to fit that style. For instance, there are some places where you have written "didn't" and then have not, that is where I noticed the two styles making an appearance; you will need to choose one style and revise the work to change words to fit the informal tone. So, "didn't" would be correct, but "have not" would not. Henceforth, words like "have not" should be changed to "haven't".

2. There were a couple of instances were punctuation was misused, or needed to be used.

When you sat down from me I just sorta melted.


I felt like a comma could have been used between "me" and "I":

When you sat down from me, I just sorta melted.


I think you have used too many ellipses (...), but also you've used them in a place where it was not needed.


From the day you walked in I thought you were cute and hot and just.....perfect.


There was no significant of them, the sentence would have been fine just as:

From the day you walked in I thought you were cute and hot and just perfect.


But actually, there's a slight tweet I want to make to this; "And" has been used a little too much and the sentence just kind of drags. I would change it to something like this;

From the day you walked in I thought you were cute. Hot, even. Everything about you was perfect.



That's it for the review! Great Work! <3 I want to read more of your work in the future!

Please Keep Writing!

- ScytheMeister

(Oh, and Happy Review Day!)




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Sat Mar 25, 2017 5:19 pm
MasterDimitrov says...



This is really nice :) I hope those feelings get to him.





If you have to ask, "Is this cliche?", it probably is.
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