Young Writers Society

Hi! I like this short story because it conveys a lot using so few words. I understood the emotions and thoughts of the narrator really well. When you wrote, "Then I thought I saw your name scribbled out on the bench..the names of all your friends glaring in black...yours a scribbled line," I did not really understand this sentence at first. It took a few minutes of thinking to understand. Here, are you trying to describe how the boy's friends all turned their backs on him and let him deal with his problems on his own?

Hello.

I can feel the regret through her description. This is a sad story, and you convey it well. I like how simple and short this is, but there's a few nitpicks.

Maybe it's just me, but this story has no plot, since we are reading through the after story. The girl already did what she had to, although she still had something she wished to do, or wanted him/her to do. I just think that instead of waiting for 'You' to take action, she can be the one to take the fist step and change his/her fate. But she didn't, which I thought the main point of the story.

What did 'You' did that got him/her arrested? Was is because s/he smoke or take weed? It doesn't really affect the story, but I'm just don't understand that.

This is a great writing.

Hai ChalotteS,
This was short but impressive. You seem to really take this seriously so I'm guessing the happened in real life...? I love it. For a lot people, I mean a lot of people it's really hard to write something short but getting to the point with grace. You have a great talent and I just want to let you know that its amazing. There is really nothing wrong with the way you write this short story. I do the same thing as you do. When I'm mad I usually go straight to my computer and write a whole 15 page rant on what had happened. To be completely honest I shouldn't be the the one reviewing your piece because I don't know what happened so how could I review? But...I just wanted to let you know you did a GREAT JOB!!!!! Keep Writing!

I want to hear the whole narrative behind this piece!

There are some technical errors, such as lack of comma between "day" and "you" in the first sentence of the second paragraph. Also, after a "..." you don't have to capitalize the next letter. I only saw that on the "Because," so I'm assuming you know.

You knew you had lost every chance of ever becoming anything to me.[/i]
If he never saw her watching him, why would he care how much he meant to her?

Then I thought I saw your name

Hey Raven Black here!

I'll review this as I go along.

-'...as if life were just a prison for you' Great metaphor!

-Oh My God! I wasn't excepting that. (You knew you had done wrong and that I had every right to call the police.)

This piece is so emotional. I didn't know what to expect when I clicked this. That's why I was so shocked. Everything in this piece was amazing, the short sentences, the combinations of compound and simple. The metaphors, the description. Everything.

Is this a real life story?

I love that you wrote this is first person, it allows the reader to empathize with the character more as its in her point of view.

Beautifully written. Keep writing