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You never told me

by CharlotteS


I always watched you smoking at a distance. You always looked sad and stressed, as if life were just a prison for you. I could see that you were hurting but then again, so was I. I could tell that you felt like no one cared about how your life went. You never saw the girl who was sitting, thinking only of how she could help. I tried to figure out your problems, but you never told me. 

Then one day you looked at me with so much regret in your eyes that it broke my heart. You knew you had done wrong and that I had every right to call the police.  You knew you had lost every chance of ever becoming anything to me. You must have realized that the weed wouldn't help because you didn't get high. Then I thought I saw your name scribbled out on the bench..the names of all your friends glaring in black...yours a scribbled line. I didn't know what you had done....Because you never told me.

Maybe I will see you in a few years. Maybe you will have found professional help....maybe you are still on the drugs. But either way, I could have helped, I would have been willing to. But you never told me. You never told anyone. 


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Points: 4
Reviews: 3

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Thu Jul 06, 2017 5:56 am
Happy23 wrote a review...



Hi! I like this short story because it conveys a lot using so few words. I understood the emotions and thoughts of the narrator really well. When you wrote, "Then I thought I saw your name scribbled out on the bench..the names of all your friends glaring in black...yours a scribbled line," I did not really understand this sentence at first. It took a few minutes of thinking to understand. Here, are you trying to describe how the boy's friends all turned their backs on him and let him deal with his problems on his own?




CharlotteS says...


hey! Sort of, in answer to your question. This is a true story about a guy I know but I don't know the ups and downs of his problems. I only know what I have managed to observe. This means that I don't know whether his friends turned their back on him or whether he has chosen to go to university and thus must be removed from the gang or what. I don't know because he never told me.



CharlotteS says...


hey! Sort of, in answer to your question. This is a true story about a guy I know but I don't know the ups and downs of his problems. I only know what I have managed to observe. This means that I don't know whether his friends turned their back on him or whether he has chosen to go to university and thus must be removed from the gang or what. I don't know because he never told me.



CharlotteS says...


hey! Sort of, in answer to your question. This is a true story about a guy I know but I don't know the ups and downs of his problems. I only know what I have managed to observe. This means that I don't know whether his friends turned their back on him or whether he has chosen to go to university and thus must be removed from the gang or what. I don't know because he never told me.



CharlotteS says...


hey! Sort of, in answer to your question. This is a true story about a guy I know but I don't know the ups and downs of his problems. I only know what I have managed to observe. This means that I don't know whether his friends turned their back on him or whether he has chosen to go to university and thus must be removed from the gang or what. I don't know because he never told me.



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Tue Jun 27, 2017 4:30 am
bluecoral wrote a review...



Hello.

I can feel the regret through her description. This is a sad story, and you convey it well. I like how simple and short this is, but there's a few nitpicks.

Maybe it's just me, but this story has no plot, since we are reading through the after story. The girl already did what she had to, although she still had something she wished to do, or wanted him/her to do. I just think that instead of waiting for 'You' to take action, she can be the one to take the fist step and change his/her fate. But she didn't, which I thought the main point of the story.

What did 'You' did that got him/her arrested? Was is because s/he smoke or take weed? It doesn't really affect the story, but I'm just don't understand that.

This is a great writing.




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Sat Jun 24, 2017 11:41 pm
nidkits wrote a review...



Hai ChalotteS,
This was short but impressive. You seem to really take this seriously so I'm guessing the happened in real life...? I love it. For a lot people, I mean a lot of people it's really hard to write something short but getting to the point with grace. You have a great talent and I just want to let you know that its amazing. There is really nothing wrong with the way you write this short story. I do the same thing as you do. When I'm mad I usually go straight to my computer and write a whole 15 page rant on what had happened. To be completely honest I shouldn't be the the one reviewing your piece because I don't know what happened so how could I review? But...I just wanted to let you know you did a GREAT JOB!!!!! Keep Writing!




CharlotteS says...


Thanks! Yeah it's about a guy i know..he fell into some bad habits exc



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Sat Jun 24, 2017 6:22 pm
TheStormAroundMe wrote a review...



I want to hear the whole narrative behind this piece!

There are some technical errors, such as lack of comma between "day" and "you" in the first sentence of the second paragraph. Also, after a "..." you don't have to capitalize the next letter. I only saw that on the "Because," so I'm assuming you know.

You knew you had lost every chance of ever becoming anything to me.[/i]
If he never saw her watching him, why would he care how much he meant to her?

Then I thought I saw your name

The "then" here sounds a tad awkward to me.

Also, be careful about overusing "..." and "but." It kind of makes the writing sound monotonous. I don't mean to sound blunt, so if this is mean then I am so, so sorry. I guess that's all I have for now. Keep writing!




CharlotteS says...


Yeah, sure you can hear the narrative behind this piece..I guess.



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Sat Jun 24, 2017 4:19 pm
RavenBlack wrote a review...



Hey Raven Black here!

I'll review this as I go along.

-'...as if life were just a prison for you' Great metaphor!

-Oh My God! I wasn't excepting that. (You knew you had done wrong and that I had every right to call the police.)

This piece is so emotional. I didn't know what to expect when I clicked this. That's why I was so shocked. Everything in this piece was amazing, the short sentences, the combinations of compound and simple. The metaphors, the description. Everything.

Is this a real life story?

I love that you wrote this is first person, it allows the reader to empathize with the character more as its in her point of view.

Beautifully written. Keep writing :-D




CharlotteS says...


Yes, it is a real life person about a guy I know. I'm the girl in the story.



RavenBlack says...


Oh okay. Thanks for clearing that up. It must have been really hard to write this.



CharlotteS says...


Well, writing is the way I get through the more difficult stuff.




The blood jet is poetry and there is no stopping it.
— Sylvia Plath