z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+

Fremione/fan fiction based on harry Potter

by CharlotteS


Fred stared at the young first year that had just burst into his compartment. She had fluffy, curly hair and large front teeth. Her eyes sparkled with life despite the fact that her face was all business.

“Well?” Fred was thrust back into reality by the girl’s bossy, high pitched voice. He grinned disarmingly at her,

“Sorry, can’t help you.” He replied. The girl rolled her eyes and flounced out. Fred turned to see his twin, George, and best mate, Lee, looking at him.

“If that is how you reacted I’d love to see young Ronald’s face when he sees her.” George snickered.

“Yeah, but she is more Ronnie’s speed…you know, being young clueless and all.” Lee chuckled well naturedly. Fred smiled and laughed along with them, making jokes about the first years but somehow he couldn’t shake the feeling that this particular girl was special.

Hermione sat back at her carriage, a blush creeping up her face. The boy she had seen a few carriages back had surprised her. He had striking ginger hair and eyes that lit up when he smiled. His face was filled with energy as was his entire being. His hands seemed to be constantly tapping and, until she had walked in, his eyes had been flitting about. Hermione didn’t want to kid herself by thinking that he had paid her too much attention but he had seemed a little…out of it when she had walked in. But he was a third year, plus, Hermione couldn’t let a boy distract her from the mountains of knowledge Hogwarts was sure to hold.

Dinner sat before Hermione but she couldn’t seem to eat. She was in Gryffindor and the boy from the train was sat across from her, laughing and joking with Ron and Harry. Hermione remained silent until the boy tossed a roast potato in her direction, yelling above the din,

“Lads, would you look here! Someone isn’t eating!” The hall fell silent. Hermione felt herself go bright red but she remained calm. This boy and his friends were all sat around her and were like animals eating. Professor Dumbledore looked upon her kindly and said,

“I think we may have a little debate on our hands Mr. Weasley. Why do you think that she should eat?” The boy, a Weasley, stood up,

“Well certain persons have taken the time to make this food and she is being rude and unappreciative by not eating.” A murmur of agreement resounded around hall. Dumbledore turned from the Weasley to Hermione.

“What is your reply to Fred, Hermione?” Hermione almost didn’t reply until she thought back to why she wasn’t eating.

“I can’t eat around animals. It would be insulting to them.” The hall boomed with an ‘OOOOOH’. Fred looked at Dumbledore for permission to reply. All Dumbledore did was nod. Fred turned back to Hermione, a smirk on his face.

“And we wouldn’t want to insult you, now would we?” Hermione stood, silent for long enough for Fred to think he had won. He stood to leave. The crowd clapped him. The fell silent when Hermione also stood.

“Why are you leaving so soon? I was about to poison the tea.”


Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
1162 Reviews

Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Sat Jul 22, 2017 6:28 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



A Harry Potter fanfiction?? YES PLEASE. (I'm doing my yearly re-read of HP so I'm feeling giddy). I've never read a Fred/Hermione mix before! Is this a thing? It's been so long since I frequented fanfiction.net and read loads of fanfiction. It's definitely an interesting pairing.

Most of what my comments are going to come down to is that I just want more. I'm not sure if you're planning on this being a short piece or if you're going to keep adding to it, but I think this could be easily expanded. Let's break it down.

1. The opening. I think you could start maybe four seconds before you've started here. There was some kind of interaction with them because Hermione is about to leave, and clearly it was a meaningful interaction because they're both feeling something afterwards. I would love to see more of that interaction. Right now I'm not feeling any chemistry and I'm going to take a little convincing that these two are going to make a good pair (especially since I'm reading HP6 right now :p).

2. Their feelings. Right now it feels a little vague to me. Fred says there's something special about her, but where is that feeling coming from? What does he find special about her? What did she do or say that he found special? And same to her. Hermione says he surprised her. You flesh out that feeling a little more, but what attracted her to him? This also goes back to #1 about seeing more of their interaction.

3. The journey to Hogwarts. You go right from their feelings to when they're in the great hall. I wouldn't mind spending a little more time on the train and seeing how this moment with Fred fits into the canon. Was this before or after she met Ron and Harry? What else happened to Hermione on her first train ride to Hogwarts? You could even break down the sorting and show us how she feels about walking into the great hall and going through the sorting. Maybe she sees Fred sitting at the Gryffindor table and she secretly hopes she'll be sorted there so she can get to know him better.

4. The feast. Honestly the rest of this confused me. I didn't really understand why Hermione wasn't eating and why it became this big situation and Dumbledore and everyone else got involved. It felt a little out of character and I didn't really get it, but maybe I just read it wrong.

Overall, I think you have an interesting start to what has all of the capabilities of being a very interesting fanfiction! I know you're trying to develop a thing between Hermione and Fred, but don't be afraid to slow down and show us other happenings as well. Hermione's perspective of Hogwarts would be awesome to read!

Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention!! I hope you keep working on this story, and if you do, tag me please so I can keep reading!! :D




User avatar
760 Reviews

Points: 31396
Reviews: 760

Donate
Fri Jul 21, 2017 1:29 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey there, I'm here for my review of the day for Team Tortoise :) I'll pick up on some nit-picks as I go through then give you my thoughts overall.

“Well?” Fred

Having "Fred" immediately after the speech confused me for a second because I thought he was the one speaking.

being young and clueless and all.” Lee chuckled well naturedly

Also that's a bit tell-y. What was his facial expression or his body language? It's more immersive to show me his good nature than just tell me it was the case.

Fred smiled and laughed along with them, making jokes about the first years but somehow he couldn’t shake the feeling that this particular girl was special.

There's two separate things happening here that are probably distinct enough to warrant different sentences. It also feels a little incomplete - what did Fred find so intriguing about this girl? In the canon, at least, they are extremely different and Hermione doesn't seem like someone Fred would immediately be attracted to. That's not to say he couldn't be, of course, just that it's not immediately obvious without some elaboration.

But he was a third year

How does she know this?

laughing and joking with Ron and Harry

I know it's fanfiction but since readers who haven't read the books haven't met these characters before, you should probably say something like "and joking with her new friends Ron and Harry"

“What is your reply to Fred, Hermione?”

I assumed this was Percy xD

The fell silent

The what fell silent?

Overall:

I think it's an interesting idea to have these characters interact in a way we haven't seen before. There's an awful lot of Harry Potter that focusses very closely on, well, Harry. It's fun to imagine what else could have been going on behind the scenes.

The main issue I can see here is that I don't get why they're so angry at each other. Well, I see why Hermione is angry, but I'd have expected her to be more shocked. This is because I assume that she, like me, struggles to see Fred's motivation for being so horrible to her. This might be a point where it would have been useful to have seen Fred's POV.

Speaking of the POV switches, it would be useful to have some sort of break when the switch happens. YWS doesn't allow for double line spaces, so if you have done this I advise using asterisks instead when posting to the site.

I'm not sure how often you should post, but I would like to be notified when you do :P

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)





Hail Hydra
— Stan Lee