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Perfection

by CharlotteS


Perfection

Sin of a nation

Giving everyone a station

Raising perfection

Sin

You have to win

You have to get in

Even if you sin

Lie

When you say goodbye

When you try to fly

You are forced to lie

Perfection

Ruining a nation

Giving everyone a station

Shaping a next generation

Into perfection


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Thu Mar 09, 2017 7:41 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there CharlotteS! Niteowl here to review!

Overall, I think this is an interesting idea, but I feel like I've just listened to a song that's all chorus but no verses. Some of that is due to the rhyme scheme as other reviewers have said, but I think it's also due to the lack of details and examples. For example...

You have to win

You have to get in

Even if you sin


You have to win...what? Get in where? How on earth is sinning involved? This is the strongest part of the piece in my opinion because the rhythm is good and doesn't feel forced. That said, it still has that vagueness to it that leaves me unsatisfied as a reader.

There's several possible solutions around this. One might be to abandon the rhyming entirely and go free verse. Another might be to have "verses" with a different length/rhyme scheme that give the details and separate them with a punchy refrain like this. Even though this isn't a song, I think that could work well if you thought about the rhythm and got away from forced rhyming. It could be like a spoken word poem.

Giving everyone a station


I agree with a previous review that this line isn't that great. It sounds forced and doesn't seem to reflect reality. It makes me picture some sort of cosmic Sorting Hat putting everyone into some job, which isn't how this world works.

To end on a positive note, I like the core idea here of how our aims for "perfection" could lead us down some not-so-great paths. Keep writing! :)




niteowl says...


FYI, I noticed there was a spam review below me, which we used our Evil Green Mod Powers to delete, but it still says you have three reviews for some reason. Just in case you're wondering where that third "review" went. :)




Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
— Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)