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Just a small poem

by CharlotteS


I watch, helpless as tears pour from unguarded eyes

I watch as the water runs fast

I watch as a heart slowly dies

I watch reruns of the past.

I can't bear to see the sorrow

The hurt behind the mask

I hope things will be better tomorrow

But I'm afraid to ask

I try to put together a shattered dream

Try to save a life

But things aren't always what they seem

Deceit and lies run rife.

I wish I knew a way to turn back time

A way to stop what's happening now

There's always another mountain to climb

The question is how?

My time has past

My race is run

I managed to last

My battle is won.


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11 Reviews

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Reviews: 11

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Thu Jul 06, 2017 6:39 am
AnonymousPerson wrote a review...



Wow. Really fine poem. I enjoyed it a lot and hope to continue enjoying your works. Now I tend to only write poetry so I hope I can help a little bit with yours. I enjoy the repetition of "I watch,", however, it bugged me that you didn't keep the comma in the next few lines. A few places, in my opinion, could have used some punctuation. Also, the way you capitalized every first word in the lines is sort of distracting, for me at least, and I tend to shy away but again, that is just me. As I said before, really fine poem and keep up the great work. Sorry for the 7-month late review (oops).




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Tue Jan 24, 2017 9:46 am
MeAndMyThoughts wrote a review...



Hey there. Hope I will be as true as I can be.

I really like the starting line, and the repetition of the words 'I watch', it made me think that I am seeing all what you wrote in the beginning. But I believe punctuation is lacking sometimes. I can understand, while writing on sites or any digital thing it sometimes slip off our mind. The poem was in rhythm and rhyme, and I like such poems. It makes poem interesting to read. I just felt that a word like 'just' could go in the line 'The question is how?' Just last thing is that I felt that the ending came too fast and was short. Maybe a little prelude or say telling more about how overcame the problems would have been nice. But it is a very good poem nevertheless. Hope it helped : ).




CharlotteS says...


Yes this did help. Punctuation isn't necessary in poetry which is why my punctuation may seem slightly bad. Any way thank you for this.


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MeAndMyThoughts says...


Welcome.



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560 Reviews

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Sat Jan 21, 2017 4:30 pm
Tenyo wrote a review...



Hi CharlotteS! A belated Welcome To YWS! to you.

This is really sweet. I agree with Ghosts, it's a very relatable poem, especially during adolescence with the confusion of trying to figure out what is what, and how every hurdle seems to be able to follow another. Personally I'm not always fond of a poem just because they're relatable, since some of them are kind of grim, but this one has a really optimistic ending that rounds it up and gives it a really strong finish.

I'm not sure about the repitition of 'I watch' at the beginning. Repitition can be a really powerful tool, but the significance of it is hard to figure out. There are two lines starting with 'but', a few with 'I' and a few with 'my,' and although the content and the rest of the vocabulary is great, it could do with a bit of variation at the beginning of the sentences.

Your rhyming scheme is great! Sometimes rhymes can seem forced, but yours fit in quite well and the slight deviancies in the rhymes themselves has this really nice effect of softening them so they help to create a flow and rhythm without sticking out.

Overall this is really good! You've taken a relatable feeling and attached it to a very optimistic conclusion, which is awesome. Keep it up =]




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Sat Jan 21, 2017 1:38 pm
ghosts wrote a review...



hey, i really enjoy your poem. It has simple language which makes it easier to get the intended message.
The message really showcases the state in which quite a few of us go through at some point in life. how we ponder on fixing certain issues in our lives.
I can especially relate with the topic of the poem.
Its a good poem and hope to see more of such:)




User avatar
6 Reviews

Points: 401
Reviews: 6

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Sat Jan 21, 2017 1:38 pm
ghosts says...



hey, i really enjoy your poem. It has simple language which makes it easier to get the intended message.
The message really showcases the state in which quite a few of us go through at some point in life. how we ponder on fixing certain issues in our lives.
I can especially relate with the topic of the poem.
Its a good poem and hope to see more of such:)





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