Hey there CharlotteS and a very, very late welcome to yws. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
The main focus of your poem here is the repetition of the introductory phrase "I know a girl...", followed by whatever thing you want to say about your friend next. Now there are some really good aspects to this design and format that you've created here but there are unfortunately just as many things that bother me. Repeating the same opening phrase over and over again, is used quite often for emphasis and making sure everyone knows all these things relate and fit together. But when it's combined with this formatting, it makes me tired of the stating really quickly and the runs just start to run together. I like this emphasis but I think we might need to tackle it a bit and get it under control.
First thing I'm thinking about changing out to give the piece a bit of pep and spread out the parts is to decide on stanza breaks. For the first couple set of lines, there's a mild rhyme scheme running, so after that ends I would recommend breaking there. So essentially after the phone line ends, break it into a new stanza and then you'll be left with two. I think that this way would just separate the sort of different sides of the poem and also give the reader more time to let the message sink in.
Two, some of these lines need to be combined and/or get rid of some of the caps. This part really started to bother me, ending a line so soon after beginning it and really just rushing the reader through the points. And the way that you've written it currently, it would be quite easy to combine a couple of thoughts here and there. This is really more of a presentation thing but it also relates to the flow. The longer lines mixed with a sea of super short lines really hurts the flow of thoughts through the poem.
I know a girl
She feels alone
to
I know a girl and she feels alone
To adapt this into longer lines, you may have to add in the appropriate transitions to make everything work. You sort of need to add them in anyways so please take that into consideration when you look back over this.
Overall the poem was sweet and had a kind tone and message to it. I enjoyed it. I'm gonna head out now and wish you good luck on all of your future projects.
Have a nice day.
Just remember this single thing, you are...
Love,
Lizz
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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