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I know a girl

by CharlotteS


I know a girl

As beautiful as can be

I know a girl

Who helped me

I know a girl

Tears stain her cheeks

I know a girl

Sad through all the weeks

I know a girl

She feels alone

I know a girl

Who has no texts on her phone

I knew a girl

Who was never told she was loved

There once was a girl

who didn't know she was loved

I know a girl

She is a good friend

I know a girl

Who will know she is loved in the end.


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454 Reviews


Points: 6060
Reviews: 454

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Fri Apr 21, 2017 5:42 pm
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LadyLizzLovelace wrote a review...



Hey there CharlotteS and a very, very late welcome to yws. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

The main focus of your poem here is the repetition of the introductory phrase "I know a girl...", followed by whatever thing you want to say about your friend next. Now there are some really good aspects to this design and format that you've created here but there are unfortunately just as many things that bother me. Repeating the same opening phrase over and over again, is used quite often for emphasis and making sure everyone knows all these things relate and fit together. But when it's combined with this formatting, it makes me tired of the stating really quickly and the runs just start to run together. I like this emphasis but I think we might need to tackle it a bit and get it under control.

First thing I'm thinking about changing out to give the piece a bit of pep and spread out the parts is to decide on stanza breaks. For the first couple set of lines, there's a mild rhyme scheme running, so after that ends I would recommend breaking there. So essentially after the phone line ends, break it into a new stanza and then you'll be left with two. I think that this way would just separate the sort of different sides of the poem and also give the reader more time to let the message sink in.

Two, some of these lines need to be combined and/or get rid of some of the caps. This part really started to bother me, ending a line so soon after beginning it and really just rushing the reader through the points. And the way that you've written it currently, it would be quite easy to combine a couple of thoughts here and there. This is really more of a presentation thing but it also relates to the flow. The longer lines mixed with a sea of super short lines really hurts the flow of thoughts through the poem.

I know a girl
She feels alone

to
I know a girl and she feels alone

To adapt this into longer lines, you may have to add in the appropriate transitions to make everything work. You sort of need to add them in anyways so please take that into consideration when you look back over this.

Overall the poem was sweet and had a kind tone and message to it. I enjoyed it. I'm gonna head out now and wish you good luck on all of your future projects.
Have a nice day.
Just remember this single thing, you are...
Image

Love,
Lizz




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9 Reviews


Points: 321
Reviews: 9

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Fri Apr 21, 2017 2:19 pm
Ineedy0u wrote a review...



I like the stile of this poem very simple style, easy to read. But I feel as if it's been done before and I thought that she might have died for a minute there. I do like however that it is a personal experience, but I feel like you need to [lay off the idea that you both helped each other. You focused on love a lot, which can be good, but It needs to be spaced out some. Maybe once in the beginning like she never was told she was loved, then in the middle she would be loved, and in the end she was loved by me. Anyway besides that try and keep your stanzas close in size. Remember that you get better with time. Great work so far! keep writitng.





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