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After he left the revised version

by CharlotteS


I watched in despair as he left. Rain dripped slowly from the porch roof, dripping like the tears that were escaping from my eyes. 

We had met at a youth group a mere year ago. He was my age, tall and blonde. His hair was soft and his eyes sharp and a deep sea blue. He was muscular but gentle and his smile lit up  his face. We hit it off immediately, talking about anything and everything. We had been friends for 3 months when he asked me out. I said yes. We were passionate about each other and were never seen apart. We did everything together and he bought me gifts on a weekly basis. It was like a small flame turned into a forest fire. But all fires burn out if no one gives it more fuel. That's what happened to us. He didn't feed the fire and I ran out of fuel. We had been dating for 9 months. Then, on our anniversary, he told me he had met another girl. They had been texting  while, hanging out every weekend and he didn't love me anymore. And just like that the fire sizzled to a stop. 

He left a year ago. Sometimes I see him on the street with the girl he left me for. I hope he is happy because I am now. I met another guy who is deeply in love with me. He has healed me and covered the deep scars of hurt with the gentle touch of love. He has deep, searching brown eyes and black hair. He isn't the most muscular person I have ever met but that doesn't matter to me. He has told me everyday I have known him that he loves me. He warned me about my last boy friend. It took me a year to realize that the love I needed had been standing right in front of me the whole time. But more importantly, above all else, he is in love with God. He treats me like a queen when all I asked for was to be a princess. 


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Thu Dec 30, 2021 4:17 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I watched in despair as he left. Rain dripped slowly from the porch roof, dripping like the tears that were escaping from my eyes.

We had met at a youth group a mere year ago. He was my age, tall and blonde. His hair was soft and his eyes sharp and a deep sea blue. He was muscular but gentle and his smile lit up his face. We hit it off immediately, talking about anything and everything. We had been friends for 3 months when he asked me out. I said yes. We were passionate about each other and were never seen apart. We did everything together and he bought me gifts on a weekly basis. It was like a small flame turned into a forest fire. But all fires burn out if no one gives it more fuel. That's what happened to us. He didn't feed the fire and I ran out of fuel. We had been dating for 9 months. Then, on our anniversary, he told me he had met another girl. They had been texting while, hanging out every weekend and he didn't love me anymore. And just like that the fire sizzled to a stop.


Okay,,,..this is an interesting little conundrum that we're being introduced to. I feel like this isn't really meant to be a scene or really any part of a story per see unless its an extract of a flashback perhaps. The way this piece is constructed seems very much like we have the protagonist just simply telling everyone a bit of a story there and its an interesting little tale, and there is some proper emotion buried in there but I am wondering where you're trying to go with this here, because it seems more of a summary of a story than anything else.

He left a year ago. Sometimes I see him on the street with the girl he left me for. I hope he is happy because I am now. I met another guy who is deeply in love with me. He has healed me and covered the deep scars of hurt with the gentle touch of love. He has deep, searching brown eyes and black hair. He isn't the most muscular person I have ever met but that doesn't matter to me. He has told me everyday I have known him that he loves me. He warned me about my last boy friend. It took me a year to realize that the love I needed had been standing right in front of me the whole time. But more importantly, above all else, he is in love with God. He treats me like a queen when all I asked for was to be a princess.


Okay...so that ended a lot better than I was expecting. I was thinking this would continue in the vein of emotion it dredged up at the start there and perhaps capitalize on the negatives that have been haunting us. Instead it seems we have a happy ending and as someone who loves those, I can't quite complain, but also I feel like this confirms the story summary idea...so I don't know if that's what you were going for, but it is what this happens to be. It sounds like it could make for a pretty compelling story if you expanded on it properly and a story I'd read, but right now, this piece itself sounds just like a bit of a plot summary and not really a story.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Feb 28, 2017 10:54 pm
CocoaCat wrote a review...



Sup, CharlotteS! I's your girl Caitlin; coming at you!
This was a both a heart warming story and a heartbreaking story, but none the less great. Good job!
"He warned me about my last boy friend." Boyfriend is one word, but this is a mistake we all make and still make, so don't beat your self up.
"They had been texting while, hanging out every weekend and he didn't love me anymore."
One too many spaces in between texting and while. Also that last bit in the sentence ("and he didn't love me anymore.") doesn't quite flow with the sentence.
But the story was great, keep writing!
That is a wrap, peace out fellow writer!




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Tue Feb 28, 2017 2:51 am
skylnn00writes says...



I would have written a review if I had found anything wrong with this, which I didn't.

I do want to point out THAT LAST LINE OMGGG I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, sorry :D Anyway that was amazing. Please write more, I want to have these feels again.




CharlotteS says...


Omg thank you



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Tue Feb 28, 2017 2:07 am
wildlyabstract wrote a review...



Hello!

I should start this review by saying how much I truly enjoyed reading this. The simple, yet realistically heartbreaking scene you set is enough to make my eyes water.

My absolute favorite quote of yours was "But more importantly he is in love with God. He treats me like a queen when all I asked for was to be a princess."

Wow.

First of all, this is just my entire life goal summed up in two short sentences. A man who is passionate about Jesus Christ, and is in love with me. boom.

If I could make one suggestion, I would honestly just take out the sentence "our relationship was goals."

It might just be my overall dislike of the overused word "goals", but I feel that this sentence, while short, somewhat takes away from the rest of the piece. Your writing is so profound, and so eloquent, that that one sentence brings it down a bit. Of course, you manage to pick it right back up, going into more beautiful detail, but that sentence threw me off a little bit, as it just didn't seem to fit in with the rest of your style of writing.

Overall, I truly loved this. Like, a lot. Great job, honestly:):)

-EM




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Mon Feb 27, 2017 10:09 pm
rosette wrote a review...



Hey Charlotte, you got a review coming at you from the chick! ; )
How are you doing? Great, I hope.

This story is somewhat sad... but beautiful. (Also very relatable - there's always gotta be some stupid jerk of a guy). I like your descriptions of Stupid Jerk, though. They're so clear and precise, I could picture him perfectly in my mind. However... this was the only person you described in here. I would love to read more about your new Guy-who-is-not-a-Jerk, how you met, what he looks like, etc., since then is what you did with the first boy. You merely say: I met another guy who is deeply in love with me. This is all the information we receive. Could we get some more?

I also loved the way you began this shorty. The tragedy and sorrow and beautiful imagery. But this is the only time we have a look into the actual story. Everything else is condensed in a nice, short summary. Personally, I didn't think it flowed. You tricked my mind into thinking you would be describing this in full-detail and emotion. But you didn't.

Overall, I thought this was lovely and poignant but missing a few details here and there that may or may not have been crucial. With the right edits, this could be even more delightful than I already find it. Great work, Charlotte, and keep up the good work!

cheers!
-TheKid

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Mon Feb 27, 2017 2:10 pm
Aliicide says...



This is a nice story, but I think it's more of a blog post. Your writing is quite good and I felt like you were rushing. We only got a glimpse of him and then he left. The descriptions were kind of too much to read, but if you manage to add them gradually it's a nice image. Keep writing and give us more of this :)




CharlotteS says...


OK thanks.



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Mon Feb 27, 2017 2:06 pm
Lily708 wrote a review...



Hey Charlottes..! Lily here for a review.

Mesmerizing!! Perfect!! Wonderful!! ;) This is all that I can say when I see you story.It's simply beautiful. The most amazing part was that it didn't end the way the reader would actually expect..because that's how most of the stories end up,like the boy and girl realize their love and get back together or either way that the girl see's the boy with another girl and gives up on her life..But your story is way different than any common one.The ultimate twist in the story is what gives it it's special and unique portrayal.The description part is really beautiful..it forces you into imagination and actually gets the reader into a fast mode of thinking of how the story would end. But it's great that you've managed to give the readers a complete different view and actually an ending that is really unexpected! ;)

But there is one tiny little mistake that you made ..i believe you must have forgotten..It's just that you could edit it before anyone else points out.

"Our relationship was goals. we were passionate about each other and were ...."

You've done excellent in the part of capitalization and punctuation..but guess you missed on one part.The 'w' in the word 'we' should be 'W'.

"They had been texting and had hung out and he didn't love me anymore. "

I guess you can make a few changes in these lines to make it more touching. The lines could go like.."They had been texting for a while and had hung out many times and he didn't feel the same way about me anymore."

The rest like I said is just perfect!!
Keep posting..love to see more of your works. :)

-Lily ^_^




CharlotteS says...


Woah. Thank you! This made my day!



Lily708 says...


My pleasure..:);)




An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown