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Everything you do

by CharlotteS

Words, hurting, cutting, biting

Sorry, not sorry today

Searching, wanting, fighting

Trying to get away

Words slicing through my shield

Cutting my confidence to a fine shred

Still on the battle field

It's like you want my confidence dead

I don't know why you choose to hurt me

I know you have things to work through

But you still hurt me

With every word you say, everything you do

Is this a review?



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57 Reviews

Points: 1435
Reviews: 57

Sun Mar 26, 2017 10:41 pm
Saruka wrote a review...

Hi Charlotte!

Let me first start out by saying that it's apparent that you've been bullied before. I know how hard that can be and how important it is to have someone. Shoot me a PM anytime if you want to talk.

Sadly, (if you can consider this sad) I was not able to find anything to tell you to improve on. The upside to this is that your poem was amazing and I found nothing wrong with it. Let me point out the good points of the poem. I was incredibly interested by the part, "Sorry, not sorry today," because I believed it showed a bully being two-faced, saying "Sorry," when confronted by an adult or figure of authority about what they're doing, but continuing to bully the person behind others' backs. I also loved the metaphor of bullying to a battlefield, which I had never thought of before, but now that you bring it up, it makes perfect sense. The final thing I'd like to point out is how you showed a different side of the built in writing, "I know you have things to work through," which ones think was an excellent choice.

Recall my first paragraph and feel free to chat any time you want. This was a wonderful poem, keep writing!

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456 Reviews

Points: 69427
Reviews: 456

Fri Mar 10, 2017 5:59 am
EternalRain wrote a review...

Hey there Charlotte!

So I wanted to start out by saying that I'm so sorry you're going through bullying (I read your reply to the review below) and I know it must be really hard - and I'm just happy you have found a way to release through poetry! If you need to talk to someone you can always hit me up with a PM. ^-^

On to the actual poem: I liked the story around it. Though it's definitely not on the light side, it's still interesting and has its own story to it. That being said, bullying/self confidence is quite the common thing to write about in poetry and when I read this I wonder: what makes this story/poem unique? Right now it seems a bit like every other, but adding your own unique-ness and difference to it does make it different and more refreshing than a poem that could be slightly similar to yours.

I liked the rhyming and for the most part it didn't feel forced or awkward. The fourth to last and second to last line, though, both end in "me" and maybe the rhyme could be strengthened by changing one of those lines up a little and using two different words instead of one word. ("Free" for example may be a word that could work in this case, or even something longer like "lonely").

And to end this review:

I know you have things to work through

I like this line because, although the bully is hurting this person, it shows the other side to things and the reason why this bully may be doing what they are doing (though there really is no excuse to hurt someone else).

I think that's it!! Again, please feel free to PM me. I'm sorry if you're going through a tough time D:


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116 Reviews

Points: 5240
Reviews: 116

Tue Mar 07, 2017 11:06 pm
RoseTulipLily wrote a review...

Simple, short, and beautiful. You really captured all the thoughts victims of bullying experience and we've all been bullied at some point so it isn't difficult to relate to that kind of turmoil and pain. Your wording choice was perfect and I really don't have any critics. Keep writing, CharlotteS! You definitely know what you're doing and I am eager to see what else you have in store for us.

CharlotteS says...

Thank you! I'm going through being bullied at the moment and needed to release so that's where the inspiration came from.

“And how shall I think of you?' He considered a moment and then laughed. 'Think of me with my nose in a book!”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell