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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Untitled, Chapter 5 excerpt

by AyumiGosu17


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Alena watched as the man spoke. Though she didn’t know his words, she read his actions, and his eyes. When he turned his back to her, she knew that it was a sign of trust and acceptance. The horsemen pulled their steeds to the side, clearing the road for them. After a long moment, she was the first to take a step forward. Alderic immediately grabbed her by the arm. “What are you doing?!”

“They may be able to help us,” she told him, trying to conceal the urgency and fear in her tone.

“You are mad! They would sooner kill us than save us!”

“We don’t know that.”

“We don’t know anything!”

“No. We do. I do.” She looked up at the man on the stocky red horse, the one who had been directing the humans to put the weapons down. He and his horse were still standing there, as if waiting for them. His eyes had a warmth to them, the same warmth of mature, healthy flames in a stone hearth. His eyes did not show fear or uncertainty. They were clear. “He stopped them from hurting us. I don’t know his words, but his actions speak clearly.”

Alderic hissed between his teeth. “You are leading us to extinction, Alena.”

Alena looked back at him, and her blue eyes were cold and sharp. They shone, flashing the winter sunlight back at him. “If anything happens, we have enough men, and we have our magic. Or do you doubt the ability of our Guard?”

He closed his mouth. He snorted. She held his gaze until he looked away, and she stepped forward again. No one spoke. No one had to.

She approached the commander and nodded deeply to him. He nodded back, tilting his head a little. He clicked his tongue and uttered more of his words, then steered his horse back onto the road. She turned to her people and met each gaze. Her brother glowering, many of her Guardsmen stern but attentive, women wary, children hopeful, common males confused or suspicious. She silently turned back toward the horse, lumbering slowly away, and followed.

The walk felt longer than it was. It was less than a mile down the slope to the outer walls of the fort. There was little sound beyond whispers, faint clattering of hooves and heels on cobblestone, and the occasional cough or snort from a horse. The humans dispersed as they filed into the fort alongside the elves, the commander’s troupe filing in last. Half a dozen horsemen parked themselves at the gate while the others circled around the massive group of elves. Alena looked around, as did the amber-eyed man, taking in the stonework and atmosphere. The square was compact but still large enough for a horde of horsemen to gather. Immediately inside the gates were a couple of skill shops, seeming like a union between a blacksmith, a weaponsmith, and a leather worker. There was a stable that ran parallel to the bastion wall, with a narrow stall for each of about thirty horses. The other horses were kept in paddocks, and she could see the dried, leftover grasses of an inner field. There was another gate; she assumed, from her knowledge of her own home, that this gate gave the horses access to much larger fields during the warmer months. Toward the center of the fort was a heavy stone structure, a small castle in its own right, with iron grate windows, two towers, and several accesses to the bastion wall. The accesses formed archways between the castle and the bastion. An assortment of brick structures filled in the rest of the fort. Families stood in some of the doors, watching the horsemen bring in the throng of northern strangers. Mothers clung to their sons and daughters, keeping them rooted, while the men stood closer and watched, listened.

The three commanders, Alena assumed, spoke to their troupes. The men slowly dispersed, except for a few dozen. The same number as that of her Guardsmen remained seated, holding their horses in a half-circle formation around them. The amber-eyed man spoke softly to the black-haired one, the third commander who had remained silent and controlled during their initial meeting at the pass’s mouth. He rode off and began to call orders at families and soldiers alike, who bustled immediately. The amber-eyed man swung off his red mare and took four steps toward her.

With slow movements, he gestured to her Guardsmen, drew his sword from its sheath, and laid it down on the stones. He took two steps back from his own sword and gestured to her, then her men. She read his movements and his eyes. She saw no trace of malice or deception. They were still clear, even, bright. She swallowed and nodded to him, then spoke, “Lay down your weapons.”

Alderic, of course, protested. “No! Are you --”

“Do it, Alderic.” She had some degree of trust for the man, enough that she believed he wouldn’t harm them. The other ones, however, she did not trust. But as long as she was dealing with this one, she would give it a chance. If it meant saving what was left of her city and her people. Her honor.

“My lady,” Himel stepped up. “I don’t think this is wise. All of our teachings warn us of them, how they connive and deceive, murder. What if this is a trap?”

She shook her head. “I don’t think so. You see his eyes?”

“I do.”

“What do they say?”

He paused. Then, “They’re clear.”

“They are clear. And it is clear that we have been to Hell and back, through the dragon’s mouth, both ways. Our people are suffering and dying. This might be our only chance to survive, and it is a chance that I have to take.”

Himel sighed. He smiled, a thin and tight line that barely turned the corners of his mouth. “You have always been good at reading people. Even in your inexperience. Even those not our kind.”

She smiled faintly, briefly. “Thank you, Himel.”

“I stand by you, always.”

“Of course. And I cannot thank you enough for that.”

“So don’t.” The Guard commander stood by her, laying down his sword and lance first. He turned to the others, and with one look, the Guardsmen lowered their weapons, adding them to the pile. Some of them shared glances, and several uneasy looks were passed toward Alena, but the elves laid their weapons down. The horsemen fell out of formation and dispersed.

The amber-eyed man smiled a little, one corner turning up on his mouth, and stepped back with his right foot. He opened his right arm and gestured to the castle. He said one word, which she didn’t know, but she followed his gesture. Himel kept in stride with her, and Alderic hurried up to her, standing on her other side. He still had a dagger on his hip, though, and the man noticed.

The man stepped into their path, holding out his hand to the elf prince. Alderic swelled a little, taking in a hot breath. His brow furrowed sharply, and he reached for his dagger. “Stand down, human,” Alderic hissed, slightly baring his teeth at the man.

The man didn’t speak or take a step back. He offered his second hand to him, showing that he had no weapons on him. Alena scoffed and turned to her brother. “Alderic, enough. Put it down, with the rest.”

“I will not go unarmed.”

“And your temper will get us killed! Aldé, this man has done nothing but show us welcome. He stayed his blade, stopped his own men, and he disarmed himself first. This is his home, and he has brought us here out of mercy. Do you not see that?”

“I see a death trap, Alena. We cannot stay here long. Lorien will not wait for the snow, and stone walls did not stop him there. They will not stop him here.” His voice softened as he spoke to his sister. He sighed heavily. “Alena, this is madness.”

“You wouldn’t make decisions when we needed it the most, so I did. And I decided that they” - she pointed at the families, the children and women and common folk - “have suffered enough. If we stay in the snow, we will die. All of us. Then what? What of Dureiden? Of Mother? This is the first place we’ve seen since we left. Since you won’t take a chance and save our people, I have to.”

“A chance on our lives is not salvation.”

“Neither is doing nothing.” She held out her hand to him, palm up. “Give me the dagger. He laid down his, now you lay down yours. If not for me, then for them.”

Alderic stood, stubbornly and proudly frozen, opposing her for a long moment. He finally gave in and pulled his dagger from his belt. He placed it hilt-first in her hand. She let go of the breath she didn’t know she was holding, and turned her attention back to the man. His amber eyes flicked between her and the dagger in her hand. He held out his palm to her, eyes a little darker than before. They were still clear, but she could see the tension beneath them. Alderic had made him nervous.

She placed the dagger in his palm. She noticed that he was as tall as her, and his fingers matched hers in length and width. Calloused fingers closed around the blade and he passed it gently to a soldier nearby. Once it was gone, his eyes brightened again. He nodded and repeated the word from before, Come. She didn’t know what it meant, but she followed his hand again, which guided her and the others once more to the castle door.


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200 Reviews


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Thu Jan 07, 2021 4:11 am
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EllieMae wrote a review...



Hi!!! My name is Ailah and I wanted to leave a quick review for you today!

First of all, I really liked it! I think you have such an interesting plot and I love where the story is going. I think your language and use of words is very powerful. You are a talented writer and I applaud your writing skills *clap* *clap* *clap* :)

I think you really thought about what you were writing. My favourite line in the chapter is when it says,

“A chance on our lives is not salvation”

I love that part!!! Good, good, really good job haha! I love how some of the statement you make are really simple, it they express so much. They really help me understand what is going on and improve character development.

Have a wonderful day/night!!!
Ailah




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Tue Jan 05, 2021 8:33 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi there!

Since this seems to be an excerpt from the middle of a larger piece, it makes sense that there would be some things that were a little confusing, but I think that overall, you did a great job of structuring this piece. You gave us -- the readers -- enough context to understand what's going on and follow the narrative but not so much that we have no reason to read on. Great job on that front!

One possible suggestion that I might have (but again, since this is from a later chapter it may not be as relevant), but at one point Alena refers to Alderic as the elf prince, which made it much clearer later on why he was being so resistant to her. Maybe use that description a tad earlier in the chapter, especially when he's initially fighting with her about following the men into the town? I feel like it could add well to that section, as it also emphasizes his status and strong-willed-ness.

The walk felt longer than it was. ...


I won't quote the whole paragraph, but I recall as I was reading I felt that this was an especially long paragraph. My first suggestion might be to break it up into smaller chunks, broken up by some action. As well, there is a lot of description of the town, which is certainly helpful to set the scene, but it didn't feel like it was entirely necessary at this moment. Instead, I would want to hear what Alena's thoughts are. How is she feeling about following a strange man? Is she having doubts or no? Maybe in between the description you could also write her reactions to it. Does it resemble an Elven town? If so, in what way? If not, what is one distinct difference? This would add some depth to the world building too.

Throughout this section, you have some strong characterization of both Alena and Alderic, which is really great. I love to see the contrast between the two, where Alena is more open to trust and diplomacy, while Alderic seems more skeptical and hostile. Though, I also like to see the similarities, where they're both a bit stubborn and ultimately care about their people. I love the dialogue between them, since it's well written, easy to read, and flows well. I would definitely be interesting in reading more of this story :)

Sorry this isn't too long of a review, since I don't have a lot to say! You did a great job with this. Happy writing!
~ Wolfe





Talent is something that comes from within; it has nothing to do with age.
— AURORA