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Young Writers Society


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Kagiso: Chapter 4 - part 1

by AyumiGosu17


Gael carried the girl back to the caravan, to Chrestien’s wagon. Deline laid out some furs for the girl to rest on. Gael laid her down easily, and Deline sat down beside her. She covered her with a spare blanket, bringing it all the way up to her neck and tucking it up under her shoulders and hips. The man left her there, sure that the kind merchant and wife would keep her safe. The rest of the caravan began to settle down for the night, unrolling bed furs, setting up campfires, and pulling out smoked meats, cheese, and bread. He found his pack on the path near the site of the scuffle and carried it back toward the caravan.

Joel crossed paths with him. “Gael, that was remarkable how you quelled it. You might have saved those poor heathens’ lives --”

Gael stopped walking. He glared at the holy man. “They are not heathens,” he growled. “Don’t say that again.”

Joel raised his hands. “Forgive me. I meant no disrespect. But I must ask you, what are your intentions with this young woman? It’s no secret that she isn’t completely safe here.”

“I know that. I’m not holding her hostage, but I’m not giving her to them either. She’s a victim, not a villain.”

“While many of us share your sentiment, I fear the others will not… I also fear that you may face some reprimand for defying the captain so openly. And boldly…”

“I have nothing to fear from that fool.” He stopped close to Chrestien’s wagon and laid his bedding down. He sighed softly and put himself to work, trying to avoid conversing with the man any more about it. However, the silence and peace would be short lived. A soldier approached him, wearing a smug look on his face, and tapped Gael on the shoulder. “I need you to come with me. Now.”

Gael returned his smugness with a quiet, subtle glower. He said nothing, but he followed the urge. Across the camp, a tent had been rendered for the noblemen. Several people were waiting inside, Laurent and Pierre sitting on cushions next to a low table. Edouard stood on the other, turned slightly away from the door. Gael entered the tent and saw Mauger and Andrien standing with their backs against the canvas on either side of the entrance.

Eduoard looked up when they entered. He frowned deeply, his eyebrows almost touching above his nose. "Gael, I'm going to get straight to the point. Your actions speak treason!”

Pierre scoffed. “I wouldn’t take it so far, Ed--”

“I would!” Laurent barked. “Defiance. Disobedience! Negligence and blatant insubordination! Not to mention the fact he--”

Gael stayed silent as the men began to argue. “He saved an innocent life! We can’t--”

“They are heathens! Assaulting our caravan! Do you know how many they could have harmed--”

“You are exaggerating things! These men attest --”

“Are you daft?!”

“Do not dare call me daft, Laurent, when you won’t listen yourself!”

Eduoard broke through them with a firm tone. “Gentlemen.” They shot glances at the man but ceased their yelling.

Pierre cleared his throat and looked at Gael again. “Gael. If you would, explain to me why you defied Eduoard, your captain and our designated commander of this expedition, so openly and proceeded to harbor a potential enemy.”

Gael’s jaw tightened. “I wouldn’t call stopping a massacre ‘defiance,’ your excellency, just as I wouldn’t call a wounded girl an enemy. Mauger struck first. We drew first blood, without hesitation. Without question. Without order. If you want to question someone on defiance, question him. Not me.”

Pierre smiled. “I do agree.”

Eduoard turned to him fully. “I do not. Even now, you continue to defy me and challenge my authority. It was my order that called you here, not theirs.”

Gael scoffed. “I’m sure. And I’ve spoken to you already. I stand by my word.”

Eduoard snarled and stalked forward, stopping chest to chest with him. “Your word means nothing to me! You are a soldier, boy, and as your commander --”

Gael broke a little and smirked. “You forget. I am no soldier. You do not command me. Especially when the command will be murder.” His lip curled involuntarily on the word.

Laurent glanced between the two men. “Mauger. Who took the first blow?”

Mauger swallowed, brow setting in a hard scowl. “I did.”

The ambassador bored into him. “Why? What were they doing?”

The soldier swallowed again and shifted where he stood. “Th-They were running a beast. It almost trampled me. They must have-”

Pierre spoke up again. “Do you believe they...forced this beast to charge at you?”

“I…” He bit his lip. Gael heard him exhale softly. “No. I acted on impulse.”

Eduoard’s eyes shimmered wickedly. He took a step back from Gael. “You knew this?”

“I read it quickly,” Gael answered. “Call it instinct. Or experience. You yourself called me your master tracker in front of the caravan.”

Eduoard took a deep breath and let it go slowly. “That may be. You are skilled, indeed, and you do have experience in these jungles. That’s why I hired you for this course. But calling me a murderer openly in front of the caravan -”

“I only say what’s true. The girl was, and is, harmless. She was shot in the leg; she couldn’t move, she was bleeding heavily, and her weapon was beyond her reach. Aside from fingers and teeth, she was harmless to everyone here. Killing her would have been in cold blood, and you know it.”

“They have magic -”

“Not that powerful! You were right about a lot of things in your...speech at the border, but these people have no more magic in them than a nymph. Enough to tend gardens at best.”

Eduoard’s eyes narrowed at him. Pierre looked between them all. “I think we can all agree that this entire situation was out of control, by all parties. Including you, Eduoard.” The man snorted and glanced at the ambassadors over his shoulder. “The most we can hope for now is that the others don’t die and bring retribution down on us. Let us not forget: his majesty sent us here to make contact with the elven kingdom, for alliance and trade. Making war with potential allies defeats our purpose. Gael, while I support your interference, do not be so brazen again. The Captain is the commander, and he must maintain at least a semblance of authority. You may leave. Eduoard, I do recommend some discipline on Mauger and Danael, for their negligence and harm done.”

“Fine,” the captain growled, never taking his eyes off Gael. Gael turned and walked out of the tent.


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Sun Sep 26, 2021 3:28 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi AyumiGosu17,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I´m here to kick your work out of the Green Room! So let´s get started. Oh, yeah, I haven´t read the previous chapters, so I hopefully won´t write anything about questions, that are already answered in previous chapters.

So on first impression you have a very interesting and calm narration. I definitely liked that, as it gave me the opportunity to get into the story and form a first opinion. That stayed with me until the end, that you managed well to show a varied choice of words and thus accompany the reader from beginning to end.

So we have a kind of conflict here, where Gael has done something that the others from the camp don't like so much. I think that's interesting because the actual background was probably mentioned in the previous chapters, and this more or less shows that aftermath. I thought it was very well developed and I'm also very excited about your dialogue. You can really see (even if I don't remember the names of all the characters) who is speaking and that each of the characters has a different character. In short, your dialogues are really extremely beautiful to read and flow like a river. I did briefly get the impression that the discussions were going round in circles a bit, but I also think that this gave the reader time to engage with the characters a bit more.

Through the dialogue alone, I feel that Gael, Pierre, and Mauger are clearly different, which is really good to see despite the number of characters here.

One thing I noticed while reading:

Deline laid out some furs for the girl to rest on. Gael laid her down easily,

From the fact that the text is actually very good to read from the ground up, I only found this initial part a bit bumpy; I would perhaps insert a "put" instead of the second "laid" to avoid repetition.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




AyumiGosu17 says...


Thank you so much!



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Sat Sep 25, 2021 1:42 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello! I saw this in the Green Room and the little description intrigued me. I haven't read any of the other chapters so I can only comment on this and not the story as a whole.

'Deline laid out some furs for the girl to rest on. Gael laid her down easily,' - maybe switch one of the 'laid' for another word to avoid repetition.

'Gael returned his smugness with a quiet, subtle glower.' - this doesn't quite sound right. 'returned his smugness' implies that Gael was also smug.

Gael stayed silent as the men began to argue. “He saved an innocent life! We can’t--” - I think the speech should be on another line considering it's not Gael speaking.

Okay, finished!

I really enjoyed this. Your writing style is simple and easy to follow. Considering I just jumped into the chapter and was introduced to a lot of people all at once, I was not confused. It flowed well and I got a sense of each character by the way they spoke and interacted with one another. I get the feeling Eduoard may be a little inept at being captain and that is why Gael had no problem defying him. I'm also not sure who exactly Pierre is to the captain, possibly his advisor? But the fact that Eduoard is taking orders from him on what is the right thing to do also highlights that the captain may not be best suited to be leader.

Hope this helps and happy writing!




AyumiGosu17 says...


Thank you so much!




Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
— Gretchen Wieners