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A New World: Chapter 1

by AyumiGosu17


Chapter One

The wind was fierce, a constant and cold pressure buffeting the sails of the vessel. Timbers groaned against the torrent of waves against the hull, and ropes flailed to lash out like snakes. Inside the ship, people and animals huddled against each other, trying to fight out the chill of the oncoming storm. Even inside, with lanterns aglow, the temperature was steadily dropping. Some of them whispered, and most of the concern was on the people above, on deck, and on the shore.

There were people in a longboat, moving ashore to scout. Among them was a young woman. She was quiet, patient, and attentive. A gentle face, brightened by emerald eyes, was partially concealed by a scarf; a full, thick cloak hung around her, the material preventing any draft from chilling her. Pointed ears protruded from beneath copper hair.

“Lady, are you well? This is not too much for you to handle?” a male elf, looking in his middle years, turned to the girl. He was tall and lanky, with dark brown hair pulled into a horsetail.

She nodded. “Why would I be distressed by this?”

She savored the silent, shocked expression he gave her. Of course, they had always treated her like a weak child, and she despised it. She had always had someone following behind her, making decisions for her, and telling her what to do.

Not anymore. I really AM on my own, now…She reminded herself, but the smile of relief was replaced by a grimace of loss. After sixteen years of pampering and protection, she was truly on her own. Only two months ago, she had lost everything she had ever known and loved.

Finally, the boat met the shore, the bottom scraping into the sand. Two youths leapt from the boat and began to tie it off as the girl, the man, and a woman moved along the shore, taking in the surroundings.

“It’s so forlorn,” the woman muttered, pulling her cloak around her tighter. Sleek, black hair fell free of the bun as another gust buffeted them. She shivered.

“It’s still winter here, Melina,” the man said, putting a hand to his companion’s back. “And it is the unknown.”

“Silas is right, Lady Melina,” the girl spoke up, tone level. “There is worse at home, anyway.”

There was a moment of silence, in which the memories haunted them again. It was true; what they had left had been reduced to ash in the fires of revolution. It was the revolution that had driven the people to flee on a ship and come east…to this unknown.

“My lord and ladies!” one of the boys called an hour later, interrupting their surveillance. “The storm approaches! We have little time!”

Silas and Melina began the walk back to the boat, but the girl did not. She stood there, staring into the new world. Something was different about the evergreen forest stretching continuously inland, white peaks rising in the distance, and white sands. Something powerful yet peaceful was in those lands, and it was calling to her.

“Arias!” Silas called her finally. “Are you coming?”

Arias reluctantly tore her eyes away from the landscape and followed her mentors.

*****

Inside the safety of the ship, the elves sat around a rectangular table, Arias at the head. Why she sat there, she could care less. Silas had only forced her to take a seat there, as usual. He had said, “It is proper for a leader to sit at the head of the table. You can view everyone and hear everything.”

Silas stood, and the room fell quiet. “We have found land, of course, and a safe harbor,” he began. “Although we may find it menacing, we can only hope for the best.”

A few murmurs echoed about the room. Many of them nodded and exchanged nervous glances with their companions. Arias asked them to quiet.

Silas continued. “Either way, we cannot turn back. What we left at home must stay there; our return would only fuel the revolution, and I believe we have seen enough chaos and death already.”

There were more murmurs, louder. Arias cleared her throat, hoping to reinforce her request. Yet, one of the men stood, gray beard swaying. “And what is it we are here for? Certainly not to hide and die!”

That renewed the shouting from before. The elves openly debated, ignoring Silas as he tried to talk over them. Arias called for control, but her command was drowned out. She stood and stared at the congregation before adding her own shout, magic spilling into the atmosphere.

“Silenzio!” Silence!

The spell worked instantaneously. While their mouths still moved before realization struck, no sound came from them. Everyone turned to stare at Arias and Silas, reluctantly taking their seats.

Now, Lord Silas…” Arias said coolly, pointedly. “You may continue.”

He cleared his throat. “Our plans are simple, but I give you a choice: we either explore and settle among whatever people live here, rebuild our empire, or wander aimlessly for all time.”

As the voting took place, Arias’ mind wandered. There were other things she could do…write, sketch, or explore. She could be out in those woodlands now, seeking out whatever force had beckoned to her. Anything to forget why she was here and who she was…

“But it leaves us with another dilemma,” one of the elves half shouted at Silas. “Who will take the throne?”

Arias’ breath caught. Oh, no…I should’ve known! It would be her, the last of the royal bloodline. And, to confirm her hypothesis, Silas lifted a hand to her, still addressing the entire room.

“Our lovely Arias, of course,” he replied, smiling. “Who better to rule a new empire than our princess herself?”

The congregation agreed, only dampening her spirits. A ruler? She was to be an empress, barely even seventeen yet? Meeting the expectant eyes of her company, she sighed. She would have protested if not for those gazes…they looked up to her, had turned to her, even hoped she would guide them. Once again, they had chosen her fate for her…

“If the council wishes it,” was her only answer.

A chorus of “ayes” sealed her fate. She was the new empress, and there was nothing she could do about it.


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Fri May 30, 2008 11:39 pm
AyumiGosu17 says...



Thank you, everyone!

Cory, I'll see what I can do to fix the "loss of interest" in the second half. Thanks for pointing that out.

Mike, I see what you mean. I'll see what I can do...and that was Italian, actually. I love it!

It's okay, Bear. I'm not very organized, myself! Anyway, you have very good questions, but it's better to learn than to be told, right? lol, You'll just have to read to find out.

Wow! Scasha, I will definately PM you! I need a lot of help!

Hey, Dynamo! Thanks for reading! I'm about to go critique yours, so...yeah. Anyway, thanks for the tip about my paragraphs. I'm trying to write the next chapters with more detail, larger paragraphs, and more appropriate words. Any tips?

KJ, thanks for the suggestions! I'll try it out!




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Fri May 30, 2008 11:30 pm
AyumiGosu17 says...



Thank you, everyone, for the posts! I will take heed of your comments and try to fix what's wrong!




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Thu May 29, 2008 6:20 pm
KJ wrote a review...



(Shamefully few) NITPICKS:


Some of them whispered, even if for only the benefit of talking, and most of their concern was on the people above, on deck, and moving ashore.

This feels too much like a run-on sentence. Cut it down. Also, I didn't like the some of them usage. I realize that the people are talking, but the way this is put, it could be the animals speaking


Among the scouts in a longboat was a particular person, a young woman.

I really am being nitpicky, I know. I just didn't like the particular person part. I felt like it took away from the flow. I would cut it and leave it short and sweet.


Not anymore. I really AM on my own, now…She reminded herself

Don't like capital letters accenting words. Here's an example of how I would do this: Not anymore. I really am on my own now... she held back a sigh.


Again, the murmurs.

I would combine this with the previous paragraph, and put it like this: There were more murmurs. It's not strong enough to stand on it's own, I feel.


She had been patient.

You've already established this earlier. We know. Perhaps rephrase into something like this: She had been silent long enough.


OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Wow, I liked this. You have great description and I actually liked your beginning. I can rarely say that. Other than the extremely few things I have pointed out, I loved it.

Going to read the next part.




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Thu May 29, 2008 1:33 pm
Dynamo wrote a review...



Well, the only thing I can suggest is your short paragraphs. Although they are descriptive, I feel there is a lot of space between them. It might just be me, but maybe you should look into expanding your paragraphs a little so there isn't so much dead space between them.

I really need to start doing more critiques, I'm already down to 2 points!




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Mon May 26, 2008 2:35 pm
scasha wrote a review...



Sorry if this repeats what others say but here is my review. Review key: Red= comments
Bold= things that I've inserted, things that I think will work better, ways to reword the sentences etc. Sometimes I delete words and put the bold words in its place
Strikethroughs= things I think you should take out.


The wind was fierce, a constant and cold pressure buffeting the sails of the vessel. Its timbers groaned against the torrent of waves that rocked its the hull, the boat's ropes lashing out like snakes.

Inside the ship, people and animals huddled against each other, trying to fight off the chill brought on by the oncoming storm. [s]Even inside, with lanterns aglow, the temperature was steadily dropping[/s]. Some of them it's unclear who you're talking about here...who is them? whispered, even if [s]for[/s] only for the benefit of talking here when you say talking, I think you should only for the comfort of hearing their own voices , [s]and most of their concern was on the people above, on deck, and moving ashore[/s] This sentence is far too long. It's important to tell your readers about the people who are braving the storm ashore so how about you start a new sentence and say: Their minds were concerned with the people above them who were braving the precarious weather to go ashore .

Among the scouts in a longboat was [s]a particular person,[/s] a young woman. [s]She was quiet, patient, and attentive.[/s] A gentle face, brightened by emerald eyes, was partially concealed by a scarf. A full, thick cloak hung around her, the material preventing any draft from chilling her. Pointed ears protruded from beneath hercopper hair.

“Lady, are you well? This is not too much for you to handle?” a male elf, looking in his middle years, said to the girl.

She nodded. “Why would I be distressed by this?”

She savored [s]the taken aback, silent expression [/s] surprised expression he gave her.

Of course, they had always treated her like a weak child, and she despised it. She had always had someone following behind her, making decisions for her, and telling her what to do.

Not anymore. I really AM on my own, now…She reminded herself, [s]but[/s] her smile of relief was replaced by a grimace of loss. I would really love to see what her surroundings look like. What's the weather? Is it stormy?

[s]Finally,[/s] She had little time to think as the boat met the shore, its bottom scraping against the sand. Two youths leapt from the boat and began to tie it off as the girl, man, and a woman moved along the shore, taking in the surroundings.
I totally didn't know that there were other people with her. Please talk about them before you say this
“It’s so [s]forlorn[/s] try to find another word,” the woman muttered, pulling her cloak around her tighter.

“It’s still winter here, Melina,” the man said, putting a hand to his companion’s back. “And it is the unknown.”

“Silas is right, Melina,” the girl I'm confused. Is the young woman you were talking about above this girl or is the woman you refer to the elf? spoke up, [s]tone level[/s]. “It's worse at home, anyway.”

[s]There was a moment of silence, in which the memories haunted them again[/s]. The trio fell silent, beginning to treck across the shore. It was true; what they had left had been reduced to ash in the fires of revolution. It was the revolution that had driven these people to flee on a ship and come east…to this unknown place.

“My lord and ladies!” one of the boys called an hour later, interrupting their surveillance. “The storm approaches! We have little time!”

Silas and Melina began the walk back to the boat, but the girl did not. She stood there, staring into [s]the new world[/s] the distance. Something was different about the evergreen forest stretching continuously inland, white peaks rising in the distance, and the white sands of the ground beneath her. Something powerful yet peaceful [s]was in those lands, and it was calling to her[/s] called to her from the land.

“Arias!” Silas called her finally. “Are you coming?”

Arias reluctantly tore her eyes away from the landscape and followed her mentors.


insert some stars or something here so we know it's a chapter-like break

Inside the safety of the ship, Arias, Silas, Melina, and other elves sat around a rectangular table, Arias at the head. They returned? I think you should say something like After returning the the saftey of their ship, Arias, Silas, Melina, and an assotement of other elves sat around a rectabgular table Why she who? Arias? Be specific? sat there, she could care less. Silas had [s]only[/s] forced her to take a seat [s]there,[/s] as usual.

Silas stood, and the room fell quiet.

“We have found land, of course, and a safe harbor,” he began. “Although [s]we[/s] some of us may find it menacing, we can only hope for the best. [s]Yet, at the same time, we must prepare for this land’s worst[/s] This feels very awkward. Instead say something like However, there are many challenges ahead of us.”

A few murmurs echoed about the room.

“Either way, we cannot turn back. What we left at home must stay there; our return would only fuel the revolution, and I believe we have seen enough chaos and death [s]already[/s].”

Again, the assembly murmured under their breath .

One of the men stood, his gray beard swaying. “And what is it we are here for? Certainly not to hide and die!”

That renewed the shouting from before. The elves openly debated, ignoring Silas as he tried to regain control.

Arias had been quiet. She had been patient. Seeing her fellows in discord washed that away.

Silenzio!” Silence!

The spell worked instantaneously. While their mouths still moved before realization struck, no sound came from them. Everyone turned to stare at Arias and Silas, reluctantly taking their seats.

Now, Silas…” Arias said coolly, pointedly. “You may continue.” Totally didn't see this coming. It seems a bit out of character for her. Show us how her emotions are churning throughout the meeting. Show how she becomes angry by the people's distrust and want for rebellion

He cleared his throat. “Our plans are simple, but I give you a choice: we either explore and settle among whatever people live here, rebuild our empire, or wander aimlessly for all time.”

As the voting took place, Arias’ mind wandered. There were other things she could do…sing, write, sketch, or explore. She could be out in those woodlands now, seeking out whatever force had beckoned to her. Anything to forget why she was here and who she was…

“But it leaves us with another delimma,” one of the elves [s]half [/s]shouted at Silas. “Who will take the throne?”

Arias’ breath caught. Oh, no…I should’ve known!

It would be her, the last of the royal bloodline.

And, to confirm her fears, Silas lifted a hand to her, still addressing the entire room.

“Our lovely Arias, of course,” he replied, smiling. “Who better to rule a new empire than the princess herself?”

The congregation nodded in agreement, only dampening her spirits. A ruler? She was to be an empress, barely even seventeen yet?

Meeting the expectant eyes of her company, she sighed. She had lost the argument. Once again, someone had chosen her fate for her…

“If the council wishes it,” was her only answer.

A chorus of “ayes” sealed her fate.

She was the new empress, and there was nothing she could do about it.


Overall Comments:

Plot:
Very interesting storyline. I like it. I haven't read about elves in a really long time so I definitley found the plot engaging. I like the world you have created

Characters:
Be careful with these. I had trouble exactly understanding your main character's personality. She seemed to do things too spontaneously. One minute she's bored, the next she's angry, and then she's uneasy. You need to show us what's going on her mind for us to really understand her as a character. You don't want to confuse your readers.

Description:
I think you need more description. I had trouble getting a clear picture of the place that they landed on. And you said the weather was stormy but does that mean rain? Thunder? Lightening? Are the waves churning around the boat?

Showing:
I even have trouble doing this sometimes but it definitley adds to your story. Show don't tell the readers what's going on. Show the way that your MC feels etc.

Other than that, this was a very well-written piece. Keep up the good work! PM me with any questions and also PM me when you put up the next installment :D




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Sun May 04, 2008 8:41 pm
Jaliayh101 wrote a review...



what a way to wow the crowd

you know everything there is

to know about being a story writer

even if you didn't know you were

very smart to use a hook grabber

incase you don't even know what

you used a hook grabber is something

stated at the beginning that makes

the people want to read more and more

well you sure did the trick on me

i didn't know what the story was going

to be about but it sort of sounded scary to me

i was hoping you were goign to deliver some jewelry

to the Queen Of England or something now that

would've been quite a story ha, ha for some

strange reason your story reminds me of Christoper Columbus

I can images piooners all over your ship

oh and i loved the weird language and names

Silas sounds like some kind of hot sauce or something

mmmmm i'm hungry right now oh well i guess

it's time for me to go write that Queen Of England story

ha, ha jus kidding but seriously bye




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Sat May 03, 2008 10:32 pm
bear wrote a review...



I thought that this was very well written.

However, I disagree with Coryab222 about the description in the second part. I think it was better with less description, because the description wasn't needed. What was needed was the dialogue.


I also really liked was that the forest wasn't deciduous, but coniferous. It's different from the average fantasy forest.

And Some things to think about:

Why would the elves declare the young princess their ruler if they're off to a new start? Are they reluctant to give up the new order? Why?

Why doesn't Arias just tell people to bug off?

If Arias does have leader qualities, she should show them, by not allowing these people to run her life. She seems strong enough to do that.

Sorry for any lack of organization.




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Thu May 01, 2008 1:47 am
mikedb1492 wrote a review...



Two youths leapt from the boat and began to tie it off as the girl, man, and a woman moved along the shore, taking in the surroundings.

Put the word 'the' before 'man'. It sounds better. You may even want to change the last part to 'the woman', but that one isn't as important.
Inside the safety of the ship, Arias, Silas, Melina, and other elves sat around a rectangular table, Arias at the head.

Listing all the names isn't necessary. Just say 'Inside the safety of the ship, they all gathered around a rectangular...'
“Silenzio!”

Latin?

Alright, here's what I've got to say. Great start so far. Your descriptions painted a good picture and you fluency was pretty good. Overall I like it and think it will grow interesting, so I'll stay tuned.




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Wed Apr 30, 2008 12:46 am
coryab222 wrote a review...



The beginning was very nice and descriptive. I did feel that you had some run on thoughts in the first few paragraphs. Consider breaking up your long descriptive to multiple, shorter sentences. I think it will make it easier to follow for the reader.

I was engaged with the first half of the chapter, but once it got to the meeting, you lost your descriptiveness. I completely lost interest.

I think the second part would be better, again, with more description and possibly engaging dialect.





Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.
— Pablo Picasso