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16+ Mature Content

Kagiso - chapter 7

by AyumiGosu17


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Chapter Seven…

The past can hurt…

It took them another week to reach the end of the mountain range, where the land suddenly shifted down, with rocky slopes, thick trees, thinner brush, and cascading waterfalls. With Eleia's help, the caravan moved a little easier and quicker. She and Gael would scout ahead and mark easier paths, avoiding bogs, rocks, and rugged terrain. She also directed them to plants they could forage and add to their food stores. Chrestien converted his wagon into a proper food store, keeping water skins, dried meat, furs, and the new assortment of fruits stored among the bedding and camping supplies. The progress and changes in routine lightened spirits a little. Eduoard and his soldiers left the others alone for the most part, and camps at night were more efficient and lighthearted.

Then they found the ruin. They found the road first, the ground smoother and uniform as it wound through the woods. Gael's machete bounced off a stone pillar that was overgrown, ringing loudly. He stopped and looked at Eleia. She stepped over to him and pulled on some of the vines. A chiseled, marble post stood on the edge of the apparent road, a rusted and crumbling brazier on top. Gael's lips parted in shock. "Ruins. Are they elvish?"

"I don't know." She looked back up the trail and held her lance up, waving it. Felic and Baldouin saw it and hurried up. "Look."

Baldouin reached them. He touched the pillar. "Wow! This must be an old road, then!"

Gael walked along the road. It banked into a slope, down. There was a dry waterway next to it, and at the bottom of the slope, he saw the rigid, straight outlines of a stone city protruding from the cliff. "More than that. Felic! Tell Eduoard we found ruins."

The boy stared at the structure and gawked. "Wow! It's a whole city!"

Gael nodded. "It's a good sign. We're in elf territory. Go. Hurry."

The boy ran off. As soon as Eduoard got the word, he ordered for the caravan to set up camp on the road. He sent Gael, Eleia, Felic, Baldouin, Hamon, and Andrien down into the ruins to explore them and assess the security of the structures while he and his men cleared out the upper pavilion and secured it for camping. It seemed like they would linger for a few days this time.

As the group descended the ancient, overgrown stairs, the city's grandeur and size was made clear. The first level was a wide and flat pavilion. A cracked and dusty mosaic covered the walls of a low fountain, its water murky and full of algae, natural rubbish, and lilies. A frog hopped away. A lizard scurried past. On the front corners of the pavilion were arbors made of carved stone. One of them had caved in and was little more than a pile of mossy rubble. The back side of the pavilion hosted several stone buildings, all of them two or three stories high. Animal figures were carved into the archways and cornerstones, most of them totems of mythical and magical creatures. Some of them, Gael had never seen before.

Felic decided to explore the buildings with Andrien. The other four found a set of stairs that took them deeper into the valley, and to more of the city. The valley turned in toward the cliff a little, where a waterfall rained down hundreds of feet into a pool at the bottom. The water was clear, and it had formed a runoff that carved a small tunnel through the mountain. The stone buildings were larger here, and more exposed than those at the jungle's edge. The city filled the valley, with buildings on all sides of the pool, gardens, trees, and walkways dispersed throughout.

Hamon talked as they walked. "It's been hundreds of years since anyone was here. But look at this place. It's incredible. Must be a testament of elvish magic."

Gael nodded. "Just because there are no people doesn't mean it's abandoned. This would be the perfect lair for a tiger. Or dragon."

Eleia nodded. "It is beautiful. Sacred. We need to go. It… feels wrong to be here."

Baldouin snorted. "Sacred? Only if I see a ghost. Come on, Hamon! Let's see how far this goes." The two men walked off.

Gael touched her shoulder. "We won't stay long, but the tribe needs to rest. Come on." They heard a crack and surprised yell behind them, followed by a man's hysterical laugh. Gael snorted. "Felic. That boy… Come on. Let's make sure he doesn't kill himself." They returned to the first level, finding that the boy had tried to climb an ancient stairway inside a building only to have it collapse on him. He was dusty but unhurt.

By nightfall, the soldiers had cleared away the vines and shrubs at the top of the slope. They unpacked Chrestien’s wagon and set up the tents. The large ones were situated near the center of the clearing, with Laurent and Pierre taking one and Eduoard using the other one as a personal camp and command center. Chrestien set up a tent for himself and his family, although Fleurette snuck off to be with Felic for the evening. The pair disappeared right after dark, and her father was very vocal with his disapproval. His irritation earned chuckles from several of the men that had gathered around the main fire, including Eduoard.

"As long as she doesn't get pregnant, it's good for them!" Hamon called across the campfire.

"That's not for you to say!" Chrestien howled back.

"Let 'em go, man! They're kids! Not like we all haven't done it!"

Mauger shrugged, smirking. "I haven't!"

Everyone stopped and shared looks, then burst with laughter. "You're full of shit, Maug!" Mauger almost fell over from laughing.

Eleia's eyes darted back and forth, wide and quick with confusion. "What do they say…?"

Gael chuckled and shoved a stick into their own fire. "You don't want to know."

Eleia cocked a brow at him and smirked. "Fleur and Felic gone. Do they love?"

Gael glanced at her and smirked. "Something like that."

She smirked. "Hmm. I ask her tomorrow. If he bad, I tell her what to do."

Gael snorted and doubled over, cackling. He covered his face with his hand and got up, walking away from her for the moment. His laughter sent the others laughing again. Felic and Fleurette returned an hour later with an armful of trout and lilies alike. Naturally, her father accused them of the things the camp had laughed about. They insisted on their innocence and purity, showing their load as proof.

The moon rose high over them. Camping in the clearing let them see the sky for once, and Gael was glad to see it. He laid on his fur roll with his hands under his head, admiring the stars and moon. He sighed softly, enjoying the moment. Eleia joined him after a moment, stretching out next to him. She didn't touch him, but the nearness was comforting. "You are happy now?" she asked, voice soft.

"I am happier. Thank you. Are you happy?"

"I learn to be… Thank you for help."

"It's nothing. You don't have to thank me."

He felt her eyes on him. Her voice slipped into his head, their connection easy now. You saved me. You keep me safe and teach me the words of your people. You are a friend. I feel that thank you words are not enough.

You do not have to repay me for my kindness. That's not what kindness is.

I want to.

If it's what you want, then do it. But do it because you want to, not because you have to.

Eleia smiled a little. She shifted next to him and kissed him on the cheek, light and brief. He couldn't help but smile a little. She settled down next to him again and sighed. After a few more minutes, she spoke through their spirits again. How did you come here?

It's a long story. It's not my favorite one.

Is that why you are angry?

He curled his nose and looked at her sideways. I'm not angry.

You are angry… at you. She smirked. I can feel it. When we talk like this.

He sighed. "Yeah…"


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Sat Sep 30, 2023 5:58 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hiya! I'm coming into this without having read the other sections, but hopefully I can still offer something useful.

I'm going to focus in on the description of the ruins when we first encounter them. Let's pay particular attention to the verbs.

As the group descended the ancient, overgrown stairs, the city's grandeur and size was made clear. The first level was a wide and flat pavilion. A cracked and dusty mosaic covered the walls of a low fountain, its water murky and full of algae, natural rubbish, and lilies. A frog hopped away. A lizard scurried past. On the front corners of the pavilion were arbors made of carved stone. One of them had caved in and was little more than a pile of mossy rubble. The back side of the pavilion hosted several stone buildings, all of them two or three stories high. Animal figures were carved into the archways and cornerstones, most of them totems of mythical and magical creatures. Some of them, Gael had never seen before.

The most active verbs in this passage are all associated with moving creatures, while you are primarily using passive ones for the buildings themselves. While there's nothing wrong with the word 'was,' your setting will feel far more alive and real if you imbue the objects in it with action.

Let's look at "On the front corners of the pavilion were arbors made of carved stone" for an example. I know an arbor is a little free-standing arched gateway, and knowing what I do about masonry, I assume one made of stone must be rather substantial, so I'll add in some conjecture. This is just an example, after all. We could say something like: "At the front corners of the pavilion stood arbors made of carved stone," which gives just a little more action. To take a step further, I might rearrange a few things to get "Carved stone arbors guarded the front corners of the pavilion." This is a nice, simple sentence, but it imbues the arbors with a purpose (and could directly lead into the fallen one maybe blocking the way? Also guard-like?) and character.

Switching gears: I love the names! It's really fun how you have consistent spelling changes like 'ou' instead of 'w,' and you've altered 'Christian' to remove the uh... well, Christian aspect for this fantasy setting.

It's also great to see such clearly established relationships already. There's a good mix of implication and clear explanation, and the interactions all have their own flavor. Great job!

Hope this helps,
-Vento




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Sat Sep 30, 2023 3:00 am
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EllieMae wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

(GREETING & INTRODUCTION)

Hey there! Ellie here for another review of your amazing writing! Lets jump right in and get started!

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
(CONTENT - my impressions / interpretation)

Alrighty, so what I am understanding is that in chapter seven of this story, the caravan continues is journey through the mountains, this are proving to be challenging. Eleia seems to bring more light to the groupand lightens their spirits. They find these ancient ruins which makes them curious ad excited. Eleia, Gael, and others ecplore the city in the valley. As night falls, the group sets up camp and has a good time, and there is even what seems to be a bit of romance starting. Throughout all of this, Gael is sturggling with something inside.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
(CONTENT - include specific suggestions)
I would love for you to explore Gaels internal conflict even deeper! I want to know more about what is troubling him, as this seems important to the plot. I would also love a deeper understanding of each characters feelings. How do they each respond and feel while discovering the ruins?

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
(CONTENT - include specific praises)
I love the idea behind this story. I love the characters and I already feel a sense of connection to theM. Overall, this was a great read and totally worth it! Good job!

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
(CONTENT & SIGN-OFF)

Ill definetely be reading more! Im happy to see so much of your work here on YWS. Have a great rest of your night!

Farewell, until we meet again.
-Ellie Mae




AyumiGosu17 says...


I went back and played with Gael's origin a little. I posted it up as "Chapter 7 pt. 2." I hope I did it justice. This entire story is probably the biggest and hardest thing I've ever tried to tackle as writer.




Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain