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A New World: Chapter 2

by AyumiGosu17


Chapter Two

Arias, Silas, Melina, and two men left early that morning. It was bitter cold as a result of the night’s storm, and a thick layer of snow covered the ground. Even so, the group traveled into the forest on horseback, scouting for the ideal site for a camp. Yet, Arias wanted to be alone. She had to be alone. She had much to contemplate, and much more to grieve for. She was taking her parents’ places on the throne, and she had not really been given much of a choice…

Letting Liaria, her palomino mare, fall behind, Arias guided her steed on a path to the left; she touched branches as she passed, muttering a spell as she went. They would serve as guides back to the beach.

Traveling at her own pace now, Arias could finally see the land for what it was. Beneath the shadows and beyond the dense forests, beauty was abundant. Pines, tamaracks, and cedars were soon spacious and sporting enormous trunks. Moss, vines, and lady slippers gave the unending green faint splashes of color. Icy rocks and frozen creeks only defined the rolling hills more.

Even in the winter, birds were everywhere. Jays, cardinals, blue birds, and robins flitted through the lower levels, as eagles and hawks soared high overhead. Owls were nesting in the hollow trees, hiding from the rising sun.

To think that Melina is frightened of this place… Arias chuckled to herself. It is a wonderland here!

As if to support that idea, the trees gave way to a vast, snow covered meadow. Deer tempted the open space, but, at the sight of the horse and rider, they darted. Snow flew in flurries from their fleeing hooves.

But, was it the horse? Was it Arias? Probably not. There, in the distance, was that power again. It was a foreboding feeling, but it also beckoned to her, calling her closer. The magic emanating from it was unbelievable and intimidating, but it made her curious. What could possibly be so powerful? Certainly not another elf.

Arias guided Liaria forward, across the meadow. From the heart of it, she could see a cliff rising in the distance. Granite glistened from the rays of the sun, and the view was only intensified by the nearly undetectable wall of ice running along the center. A frozen waterfall at least a hundred feet tall.

“Beautiful,” she whispered.

And the meadow was the perfect site for a camp. Not too far from the shore, somewhat hidden, and near water. She dismounted from her horse, and her leather boots crunched loudly. Standing her full height of five and a half feet, snow easily reached her shins. But it wouldn’t stop her. She had to find a stationary, nearby object to cast the beacon spell upon. There was a boulder not far from her. Yet, as she drew closer to it, the hair on the back of her neck began to rise. The presence, that power, was getting stronger. With her heightened senses, a quality not uncommon in elves, she could pick up the sound of staggering footsteps, ragged breathing…she could smell blood.

Liaria nickered, following close behind Arias. The mare’s ears were tilted back. Unease, fright, alarm.

Arias moved her hand away from the boulder and shifted it. Her fingers brushed the hilt of a hidden blade, its sheath on her back and concealed by her hair. The sounds grew louder and more distinct, closer. Whoever was coming was coming directly at her…

She let her mind go. She brushed the consciences of various, fleeing animals, and there was fear. What could make animals evacuate so quickly and in such mass? Before she could infiltrate the mind of the threat, a movement caught her eye. Someone, who or whatever had been approaching, was there.

A man staggered from the brush, right leg favored as he left the safety of the trees. From across the fifty of so paces that separated them, Arias could see he was wounded, and badly. A tourniquet had been tied around his right thigh, above a streaming blood flow, and his left arm hung useless at his side. Blood covered his shoulder and side, and even trickled from his temple and mouth. With a gasp of shock, she met the man’s gaze as a voice entered her mind. A soft tenor.

Help me, he spoke in the common tongue.

Even as the thought registered in her mind, he swayed dangerously, moaning as he doubled over. Despite her fears, Arias approached him, extending a hand to steady him. His silvery-blue eyes fastened with hers, and for a moment they seemed to lose focus, change…he clamped them shut and dropped to one knee before she could read anything.

“Sir?” she tried in Common, moving closer.

He looked up briefly, and Arias thought she heard him growl. Again, pain silenced him, making him tense.

She knelt beside him, ignoring all protestations in her mind and heart. He may have been dangerous, but he needed help. He needed her.

“Listen,” she commanded with a gentle tone. “I will not hurt you. I can help you. Understand?”

He met her gaze for a moment, and there was that voice in her mind again. Just help me. He closed his eyes then, and didn’t look up.

He’s weak, Arias decided as she ran her hands along his features, feeling for wounds. Blood was everywhere, but she knew it couldn’t be from the occasional cuts she had found. It had to be more…something severe. He flinched, biting back a yelp as her fingers closed around the remnant of a shaft. The splintered, broken wood pricked her fingers, but she knew her pain was nothing compared to his. She found two more arrows, broken off to leave only about two inches of the wood exposed; one had pierced his right thigh, one to his left side, and the last to his left shoulder, very near to his heart.

He was panting by then. He was pale from the blood loss, and he was slipping. Arias could see it in his eyes; he was near losing his life.

“Hang on,” she closed her hand around his, inconspicuously pushing her magic into him. “You’ll be fine. I promise, you’ll be okay. Just hang on.”

Even as he collapsed, she knew she had saved him. She had given him strength.


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Thu May 29, 2008 6:28 pm
KJ wrote a review...



Well, I certainly liked the length. However, your paragraphs need some work. You don't need to have near as many as you do. Combine some.

I don't have much time, and I noticed more than one thing that I felt needed adjusting, but this is all I have time to point out:

It was bitter cold as a result of the night’s storm, and a thick layer of snow covered the ground.

This felt awkward to me, and that's not good for an introducing sentence. Reword. Here's my rough example: It was bitterly cold - a result of the storm last night. A thick layer of snow covered the ground.


To be honest, I didn't like it nearly as much as the first chapter. I wasn't as captivated, and it felt rushed.

Sorry I'm not that much help.




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Thu May 29, 2008 1:55 pm
Dynamo wrote a review...



Again with what I said with your last chapter it feels like there's too much dead space between your paragraphs. In fact, the first two paragraphs in your chapter can be put together. Everything you write in a paragraph should be about the same thing, once you start writing about something else you should make a new paragraph. For example, if you're describing a character's appearance everything you say about him/her should be in the same paragraph. Once you start describing something else, like the character's situation at that moment or describing the surrounding area, you should start another paragraph. This should already be a no brainer, but it's just something you should look into. The dead space between your paragraphs can distract your readers if there's too much of it.




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Mon May 26, 2008 8:52 pm
scasha wrote a review...



Again, this has the same legend as my other one with the red, bold, strikethrough review :-) Let's get started :D

AyumiGosu17 wrote:Chapter Two

A group of elves, including Arias left early the next morning. The air was bitterly cold as a result of the pastnight’s storm, and a thick layer of snow covered the ground.

[s]Even so[/s],This time, they decided to travel into the forest on horseback, scouting for the ideal site for a camp. Walking would not have been a good idea.

Yet, Arias wanted to be alone. She had to be alone. Again, try not to tell us what she feels like. Have us show us through her thoughts. Maybe she looks up begrudgingly at Silas or something and whispers underneath her breath that she wants to be alone.

Letting Liaria, her palomino mare, fall behind, Arias guided her steed on a path to the left. She touched the trees'branches as she passed, muttering a spell as she went. They would serve as guides back to the beach.

Traveling at her own pace now, Arias could finally see the land for what it was. Beneath the shadows and beyond the dense forests, beauty was abundant.

Pines, tamaracks, and cedars were [s]soon[/s] spacious By spacious, do you mean spaced out or that they are large like a spacious room? Clarify, [s]and[/s] sporting enormous trunks. Moss, vines, and ladyslippers gave the unending green faint splashes of color. Iced rocks and frozen creeks only defined the rolling hills more. When you were describing this scene, I thought it was springtime. Since it snowed shouldn't there be snow covered trees and the ladyslippers should be buried beneath the snow? Try to stick with what you said earlier and fit it in better

[s]Even in the winter, birds were everywhere. Jays, cardinals, blue birds, and robins flitted through the lower levels, as eagles and hawks soared high overhead. Owls were nesting in the hollow trees, hiding from the rising sun.[/s]-- I really don't think you need this. You have a couple solid paragraphs of description above this so don't go too overboard
To think that Melina is frightened of this place… Arias chuckled to herself. It is a wonderland here!

As if [s] to support that idea[/s]in agreement with her thoughts, the trees gave way to a vast, snow covered meadow. Deer tempted the open space, but, at the sight of the horse and rider, they darted away into the trees. Snow flew in flurries from their fleeing hooves.

But, was it the horse? Was it Arias? First time I read this sentence I was very confused as to what was going on. But then I understood you were saying that the horse and arias didn't scare them. Instead say Arias hoped she hadn't scared them away.

Probably not. what makes her say this. Is there someone else in the meadow? I really think you should take this out but it's up to you

There, in the distance, was that power again. It was a foreboding feeling, but it also beckoned to her, calling her closer. The magic emanating from the far-off mountains was unbelievable and intimidating. Instead of making her scared as it had frightened the animals, the power made her curious. What could possibly be so [s]powerful[/s]drawing[/b]?

Certainly not another elf. I never got the sense that the power was emanating from a human. The power seemed to come from the land itself as you described in the first chapter. Rethink this. Maybe instead of saying elf, say Certainly not from any being she had ever encountered

Arias guided Liaria [s]forward,[/s] across the meadow. From the heart of it the heart of what? the meadow? instead maybe say from the center of the snow covered plain, she could see a cliff rising in the distance. Granite glistened from the rays of the sun, and the view was only intensified by the nearly undetectable wall of ice running along the center.

A frozen waterfall at least a hundred feet tall rose like a thin pane of glass in front of her. I noticed you use fragments a lot. Try to have complete ideas. Sometimes they are useful but other times they can become confusing

“Beautiful,” she whispered.

[s]And the meadow was the perfect site for a camp. Not too far from the shore, somewhat hidden, and near water.[/s] This seems a bit out of place. She seems more interested in the power than in the idea of making camp. The others are more concerned about that, not her
She dismounted from her horse, [s]and [/s]her leather boots crunching loudly on the pacted snow. Standing her full height of five and a half feet, the white powder easily reached her shins. But that wouldn’t stop her. Make this a new paragraph She had to find a stationary, nearby object to cast the beacon spell upon. Why exactly does she want to cast the spell? A second ago she was drawn towards the power but now she wants to make a beacon? Try not to jump around, and please clarify this. There was a boulder not far from her. Yet, as she drew closer to it, the hair on the back of her neck began to rise. The presence, that power, was getting stronger. With her heightened senses, a quality not uncommon in elves, she could pick up the sound of staggering footsteps, ragged breathing…she could smell blood.

Liaria nickered, following close behind her master. The mare’s ears were tilted back. Unease, fright, alarm made the horse jittery.

Arias moved her hand away from the boulder and shifted it. Her fingers brushed the hilt of a hidden blade, its sheath on her back and concealed by her hair.

The sounds grew louder and more distinct, closer. Whoever was coming was coming directly at her…

She let her mind go. She brushed the consciences of various, fleeing animals, and there was fear. What could make animals evacuate so quickly and in such mass?

Before she could infiltrate the mind of the threat, a movement caught her eye. [s]Someone, who or whatever had been approaching, was there[/s].

A man staggered from the brush, right leg favored as he left the safety of the trees. From across the fifty of so paces that separated them, Arias could see he was wounded, [s]and badly[/s]. A tourniquet had been tied around his right thigh, blood gushing in an undending stream from a large gash. His left arm hung useless at his side. Blood covered his shoulder and side, tricklingfrom his temple and mouth. With a gasp of shock, she met the man’s gaze as a voice entered her mind. A soft tenor.

Help me.

Even as the thought registered, he swayed dangerously, moaning as he doubled over. [s]Despite her fears[/s]Arias threw her fears aside, running towards his stumbling figure. She extended a trembling hand to steady him.

His silvery-blue eyes fastened on hers, and for a moment they seemed to lose focus, change…he clamped them shut and dropped to one knee before she could read anything.

“Sir?” she said, moving closer.

He looked up briefly, and Arias thought she heard him growl. Again,his pain silenced him, making him tense.

She knelt beside him, ignoring all protestations in her mind [s]and heart[/s] Wouldn't her heart pity his pain? Her mind would be more likely to resist. Maybe say something like: her heart overuled her mind as an overwhelming sense of pity entered her being. If she couldn't help this man, how could she expect herself to rule her own people. . He may have been dangerous, but he needed help. He needed her.

“Listen,” she commanded with a gentle tone. “I will not hurt you. I can help you. Understand?”

He met her gaze for a moment, and there was that voice in her mind again. Please, just help me. He closed his eyes then, and didn’t look up.

He’s weak, Arias decided as she ran her hands along his features do you mean face? be more specific when you say features , feeling for wounds. Blood was everywhere, but she knew it couldn’t be from the occasional cuts she had found. It had to be more…something severe.

[s]She found the sources.[/s] Again, try to avoid telling us. You do a marvelous job of showing us what's going on in the next paragraph.

He flinched, biting back a yelp as her fingers closed around the remnant of the shaft. The splintered, broken wood pricked her fingers, but she knew her pain was nothing compared to his. She found two more arrows, broken off to leave only about two inches of the wood exposed; one had pierced his right thigh, one to his left side, and the last to his left shoulder, very near to his heart.

He was panting by then. He was pale from the blood loss, and he wasslowly slipping away, his eyes rolling back into his head. [s]Arias could see it in his eyes; he was near losing his life.[/s]
“Hang on,” she closed her hand around his, inconspicuously pushing her magic into him. “You’ll be fine. I promise, you’ll be okay. Just hang on.”

Even as he collapsed, she knew she had saved him.

She had given him strength. With these two ending sentences you do way too much telling. Show us how she feels exhausted from using her magic. Maybe as he passes out the arrows disintegrate and his wounds close, her magic sparkiling around the edges of his skin. Show us something


Overall Comments:

Plot:
WOW! Great job! I loved this continuation! You really moved the story along :-) No complaints about the plot.

Character:
Again, be careful with your main character. Make sure she fits her mold. Look at my comments on her from the previous chapter and work from there. Maybe make a separate word document on your computer completely about her, what she loves, what she fears, what her general attitude towards everything is. Trust me, I do it all the time and it's really helpful. We also really want to know what she's thinking and see what she's feeling so try to emphasize those aspects.

Description:
I love your descriptive voice. Unlike your previous chapter, there was a lot of description here. A little too much at times (I pointed out the areas) but you do descriptions beautifully.

Other Comments:
Show don't tell! Show us how your victim is hurt. Show us what the wounds look like, show us how she saves him, show us... I think you get my point. We as an audience really want to see what your MC sees. Bring us into your world.

Other than that, Really well done! I love the plot and can't wait to know what happens next! PM me if you have questions and also when you put up the next chapter :-)




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Sun May 25, 2008 10:38 pm
Rekuen wrote a review...



I like how you describe the scene, but found it a little jarring how there is a new paragraph almost every line. Most of those can be combined, and if you use it solely for dramatic effect, it loses its impact after a while, like when you say "She found the sources."

When the man is talking, he says, "Please, just help me." at one point. Since in the previous line she said that she could help him, you could take away the "just help me". Arias also doesn't need to think "he's weak" while she is examining him, since it's pretty obvious that he is from the description of his injuries.

Overall, I liked it and I hope you continue.




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Fri May 23, 2008 7:43 pm
bear wrote a review...



So, some things were a little superfluous, but I shall get to that later. You know what I really really liked about the landscape that you describe?

Well, for one, it's not the usual deciduous forest that litters the word. And for second, it reminds me of Oregon, a place I liked very much. So that was a jewel.

However, I found it strange that this man spoke the language that Arias spoke. They might be different species. They come from different continents. The fact that he spoke the same language would, to me, indicate that he came from the same place, unless the sharing of culture is wide spread in this world.

Unless there are certain feelings and ideas that are being shared, mind to mind? Just curious.

Okay, now to what I thought was superfluous.


Arias guided her steed on a path to the left


I don't think you need the word 'steed' because you mention her horse before. In my opinion, "Arias guided her on a path to the left," would read a bit better.

he was near losing his life.


You mention that he was slipping, and most readers would figure that out. I think that the quote above can go.

She found the sources.


How hard could they be to find?

So, good. Nice. I wish I could say more.





"He looks like a turtle who's been through the Vietnam war."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi