Prologue
The wind tore at his back, whipping through his brown locks. With a single hand, he brushed the thick bangs from his eyes. He stared out over the landscape, ignoring the threats of the inevitable storm and the cliff at his feet. He was still even as his archenemy’s men moved out of the brush to form an arch behind him. He scoffed to himself; not even eight men could stop him.
“Where will you run now, Lord Cypre?” a man called at him.
“If you know what’s good for you, you won’t keep pursuing me,” he responded emotionlessly.
“We’re not afraid of you, elf! We’ve already wounded you, and we can do it again!”
The elf grimaced when his side seared again. He fought the urge to put a hand against the wound. (That General has a strong arm if he can wound me so severely with a dull scimitar!) He tensed when he remembered that blow…It had not only split his side cleanly to the bone, but it had sent him rolling quite a few feet across the ground.
“Now, will you come with us peacefully, or are we going to have to drag you to Goron?” the man spoke again, stepping closer.
The elf looked over his shoulder, green eyes flashing dangerously. “What makes you think you fools can take me to him?”
The man halted, growing uneasy. He had seen that look before, and he knew what came afterwards. “Men…”
The elf smirked, partially opening his fist. His first two fingers he stretched completely out, keeping them touching. “Stop this.”
“Men, attack!” The man in charge ran forward, raising his dull sword above his head. The elf whipped completely around, drawing his straight sword from its sheath at his left hip. He kept spinning, that dread of what he was about to do filling his every being. He hated fighting; it proved nothing, and always ended with someone getting hurt or killed. He felt his mind scream as he and the soldier met…
He cried out when that heavy blow struck again, this time coming down on the top of his left shoulder, splitting his collarbone. He felt the guilt return to his heart as he drove his long blade deep into his attacker, killing the man instantly. He groaned when he removed the blade from the General’s body, staggering from the pain that coursed through him. (I have to finish this quickly…My magic is impaired by my health…Soon, I won’t be able to fight them!)
“If I’m not seeing things, I’d say our friend is getting weak,” a cool, young man’s voice rang out teasingly from the trees.
The elf gasped. (No! Anyone but him!)
“It’s good to see you again, Kai.” A tall, fair skinned man strode from out of the woods. His bright red hair, tied back in a horsetail, poorly concealed the pointed ears typically sported by those of the elvish race.
Kai gulped. In his condition, he was no match against this elf, nor could he transform and fly away. “Maroh…”
“Now, shall we?” Maroh smirked, putting a hand around his sword’s hilt.
Kai charged, despite the pain, hand wrapped firmly around the handle of his sword. The two elves met, and the ring of clashing blades reached high over the cheers of the soldiers and the roll of thunder. The wind howled as their ferocious battle roars grew louder with their effort. Kai could feel his strength waning with his loss of blood, just as he felt his movements grow clumsy and slow. Maroh towered over him, as quick as ever and stronger than their last encounter. Kai knew one thing about this battle: it was over before it started, Maroh the victor.
With a careless swing, Maroh knocked the sword cleanly from Kai’s hands, sending it flying over the cliff. He turned, tucking his foot beneath Kai’s, and easily tripped him. Kai landed heavily on his back, yelping involuntarily when he jarred his shoulder. He cried out again when Maroh drove his own blade into the ground, grazing Kai’s side enough to pin him down. Maroh knelt beside his opponent, evil smirk curling his lip.
“You give up, yet?” he remarked. “I know you’re out of magic.”
Kai coughed. “Over my dead body. You’ll never catch me negotiating with Goron!”
Maroh sighed. “You know that means war, don’t you? So next time we meet, one of us will have to die.”
“Not if I end it here…and now.”
Maroh raised his eyebrows, puzzled. His jaw dropped when he saw that eerie glow emanate from Kai’s right hand, the dark green magic flooding the area. Before he could jump to his feet, bands of that magic had surrounded him and wrapped around him, pinning his arms to his sides and tying his ankles. He thrashed against a force he couldn’t control as Kai tore away from the sword, worsening the gash on his side as he shot to his feet. A wave of the green flame blocked the other men’s advance, keeping the elves to themselves.
Maroh glared at Kai, amber eyes shining in rage. “Why, you – ”
Kai stared back just as haughtily. “Maroh, I won’t tell you again: get out of this war, else you will regret it. There is no point in two of the same family fighting each other.”
“Ah, save it! I made my choice thirty years ago, just as you’ve made yours!” Maroh’s eyes glazed bronze as his own magic poured from his left hand. He focused especially on the earth Kai stood on. Kai staggered, spreading his feet to maintain his balance, as the rocks shook, breaking free of the cliff itself. The rocks shuddered, moving at Maroh’s mental command, and fell.
Kai had no chance to grab the ledge; he plummeted with the boulders. He fell seemingly forever, the rocks falling faster around him. He thought he might die from a hard landing when he felt the sharp, cutting tug of limbs around him. They tore through him, ripping into him through his long sleeved tunic and pants, the larger ones slicing his hands when he latched onto them to break his fall; they, too, gave way due to the velocity he was traveling. He felt several more thick branches break against his back and shoulders, but he still fell.
The trees may have slowed his fall, but he still landed heavily on the ground. He laid still, the shock of his sudden stop setting into him. He tried to move, but he was far too sore and weak to shift completely. His eyesight began to blacken as his gaze fell on the startled figure of a young woman…He blinked as she rose, golden hair brushing her hips…He fainted as she approached him hastily, purple magic shielding them as more boulders fell from the sky…
(This is the third time you’ve done far too much, Kai…I cannot keep protecting you from the fate you are setting yourself!) a deep, booming voice echoed in the back of his mind as a soft but warm power flowed through his weakened form…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hmm, this may have already been said, but this is the "Prologue" of what? It would get more reviews if it had a title.
Maybe it was just me but I thought this sentence sounded like he had a hairy back.
I agree with insanityabounds. 'Save it' sounds out of place. It's too modern.
Otherwise this was very good for a first story. Keep writing.
Actually, you disabled BB code in your post. Don't disable it and it works fine. To prove it, I edited your post, unchecking "Disable BBCode in this post." You see it works just fine now. Hopefully this will give you more confidence in YWS.
The prologue wasn't very inviting. When I read one, I expect to be drawn deeper into the story. The job of the prologue is to hook the reader into asking "then what happens! TELL ME!"
This was just an elf killing everything, although you did your best to make him suffer with each death. How does he find the time to do this? Methinks he is in the wrong profession.
No question was really asked, so why is a prologue necessary?
Iiiinteresting.
You use a lot more words than necessary. I think you could combine and shorten sentences to say just as much without having to say as much, if that makes sense. I think the whole story would be a lot stronger if you tightened your writing a little bit.
On characterization: at the beginning, he his response is "emotionless" and then he's wracked by guilt for killing someone who was apparently trying to hurt/kidnap him. There's a conflict of character there: is he just pretending to be emotionless? If so, you should say so. If not, I think he could use some character development.
Also, they seem to have Japanese (or at least vaguely Asian sounding) names, but they aren't Japanese folklore "characters." The elves seem very Western, very Tolkien, so the Asian names feel very out of place. If you want to keep with the elf theme, I'd suggest some elf-y names, or on the other hand, you could keep the Japanese-y names and use some traditional Japanese folklore races.
... and a side note: a dull blade can still hurt like a %#&^!. It obviously won't cut as well, but you can get a seriously nasty bruise (and even broken bones) if you're hit hard enough with a dull blade. Sharp or not, they are made from steel (or iron, or something).*
One last question: why do you have (parenthesis) around thoughts? Usually, the accepted punctuation is usually italics and/or 'single quotes,' at least in the US. I'm not sure about the usage for double/single quotes elsewhere.
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*whatever it's made of, it's hard and it's metallic and it's heavy.
Obviously the italics don't work...it's got to be my computer! It works whenever I post at school or elsewhere! Ugh!
Hey. I actually quite liked this. It's really good for your first piece of work on here. It's been said, but maybe you should play around with your italics a little and see if they work in a different way?
Just one other thing:
“Ah, save it!
That sounds totally contrary to something someone like that elf would say. It kind of took me out of the story a little. It's not actually wrong, but I just thoguht I'd comment.
So once again, good work.
-Mat
there is nothing wrong with this grammatically. But there is something rather cliché about it. I mean, maybe you should say something more like “we’ve already wounded you, what makes you think it is going to be so difficult to kill you now?” that would make a little more sense, seeing as they want to capture our elven hero, rather than simply wound him agian
maybe this was a mistake. But these parts of your story weren’t made into italics. Maybe you could fix this in some way…?
A sudden shift of mood don’t you think. A second ago, he was as cocky as anything. Maybe you could add a little bit here to make the change a bit more gradual, instead of so sudden and abrupt.
Take out the “completely”. There is no need for it
“dread” kinda implies fear. Again, a sudden mood shift here. I thought a second ago, the hero was confident that they wouldn’t take him alive. I understand you are trying to say he doesn’t enjoy fighting, but I think you should use a different word.
hmmm, is our hero a shape shifter or is it all elves who can simply “fly away”. maybe you should explain this a little further
over all this is a very good piece of writing. The end sequence when he’s falling through the air was a little long and confusing. Maybe you should shorten it and make it a little easier to read and understand. I enjoyed this and I may keep an eye out for any further developments. Well done and I hope this particular story goes very well for you.
Yours truly,
BlackDove
It may be just me....but in the begining...you use "he" alot. Try not to reapeat it over and over, but rather cut straight to the action.
So instead of:
He was still even as his archenemy’s men moved out of the brush to form an arch behind him. He scoffed to himself; not even eight men could stop him.
I'd write this:
Still, even as his men moved out of the brush to form an arch behind him, He scoffed to himself; not even eight men could stop him.
I know its not much of change, and that i pretty muched deleted one word...but to me, i think it sounds better than always saying HE did this, HE did that. Do you see what I'm saying?
I think the italics just don't work on YWS, but I really like it. It really drew me in and I can't wait for the continuation.
luz ya! 
One thing bugged me, though. In the 9th paragraph, where you wrote " His first two fingers he stretched completely out, keeping them touching." I think you could have said "keeping them together." It just bugged me. And in the fourth paragraph from the bottom you need to space your paragraphs a wee bit more.
Other than that, keep writing!
Okay, lemme see here...
Typically, the rule is to critique two pieces of work before you post your own work (so that other writers will return the favor) but you're new, so I'll but you some slack.
First off, welcome to YWS!
I didn't see many problems with your story (except for the fact that for some random reason, the italics didn't work, but then again, maybe it's just my computer). I only found one small issue:
Dunno why, but the repetition of "arch" bugged me. You could probably just whip out a thesaurus and find another way to describe it.
In all honesty, it does the job that a prologue is supposed to do--set the scene, draw in the reader--but it seemed a little cliched. I'm not saying that it's bad--just that I've seen the whole "elves fighting in a war" thing before. If you could put in your own little slice of originality, you could make it even better.
Overall, a good first submission to YWS, and I hope you like it as much as I do!