Young Writers Society

Hey! So I noticed only one mistake! It was where it says Before overthinking left me panicing. Panicing is spelled wrong, it's supposed to be panicking. Anyway... So this poem had a deep meaning that I really liked. It showed a person's struggle with themselves and how they got better each year. It really brings light to humanity to know that somebody is out there and they are healing with each passing day. I liked the bold vs no bold, and it was a great effect that made the none bold stick out. I feel like everybody in some variety can relate to this. Whether you self harmed or not, if you had suicidal thoughts or not, everybody feels worthless to some degree and just because somebody doesn't have as severe thoughts it doesn't mean that they aren't going through pain and suffering. Just because somebody didn't self harm doesn't mean that they are not going through a lot. I think this just goes to show that people are what they seem on the inside. A lot of people have to fake a smile just to get through the day and that isn't right...... it makes me upset and distraught, and going through it myself I have more compassion and I feel their pain and I want to take it away. Anyway sorry I rambled a little bit. This is more or less a sensitive topic and I'd have to say you tackled it pretty well. It showed real emotion and sometimes I don't see that from poetry. There was only one mistake so good job. I love this poem and good luck at your contest. Keep writing <3

Sarah24

I think the most impactful part of this poem is the way you divided it (drowning, coping, resting, and healing). The order of those words tells a sort of story, and depicts a journey. The imagery and description were also amazing, and I think the poem has a nice rhythm to it. The only suggestions I have are to maybe shorten the second and third lines, so they fit better into the poem, and possibly to use some punctuation. It depends on your style, but punctuation can add some more meaning and rhythm if that's what you're aiming for. Also, on line 10, "panicing" should be "panicking." But overall, I think it's an amazing poem and you should definitely enter the contest! Good luck.

This poem is very well written, and probably one of the best ones I have read on here. It really hits home, but at the same time I think there could a more prominent story line, giving actual examples I guess, if that makes sense. It is vague, but it does get the point across! I think the last stanza could be touched up. It makes it sound like it's still dark and gloomy, like the beginning, but it talks about healing. I think it should sound just a little brighter, just enough to give the idea of healing, yet not fully healed.

Hi,

This is a simple, crisp and effective poem. It puts the message across really well and one can understand the tone and theme. I just think it could be a bit more elaborate, it somehow doesn't look complete as a story line. It's OK to leave it like this also, but a little bit of exaggeration could do well to fiction. Anyhow, great work!

-The Bipolar Being
www.thebipolarbeing.blogspot.com

Hi there! I'm alliyah, here to leave a few of my thoughts.

Pacing & Flow
The repeating lines of "I call it ____" gave good continuity to the poem, and also gave the reader a cue of where the thoughts were transitioning. This gave the flow of the poem a somewhat chopped up feel, despite not having stanzas, but made these flows from emotion to emotion more explicit. It could be an interesting formatting choice to italicize those lines to bring more attention to them.

I think that the pace was pretty good as far as theme and narrative development. Overall as a reader I felt the speaker transitioning in a comfortable and logical way for the most part. The one area that was a little disjointing was these two lines: "last year I started fearing less/ talking, laughing, singing more" I feel like a bit of the story is missing here. What happened to cause this positive change in the reader's life? I think this transition was just a bit abrupt. But the other switches felt more natural.

As far as the reading pace, I think this poem has some areas that could be worked on. I felt like this read pretty choppy, this could be from the double spaced formatting, but I think is also due to some of the line breaks and capitalization choices. When the first line of every, single, line, is, capitalized it's like a comma being placed between every word, it gets to be a little disjointing on the shorter phrases and lines. It's totally your choice, but it does make the reader pause more rather than flowing from line to line. I think there was just a bit too much range in the length of the lines. Some were incredibly long, some were 4 words long. Keeping the lines a more consistent length will help the poem look more cohesive and also let the lines flow together more I think. Line 1, 3, and 10 were particularly long and could maybe be broken up.

Grammar
There were a few grammar things here and there to address, nothing huge, but worth taking another look at.

Here: "cuts and down my thighs." I think you missed the word "up".

The second to last line sort of appears to be an incomplete sentence: "As the scars fade from my skin and my smile becomes less forced" I'm not sure if it's supposed to be added to the one ahead or after it but it was just a bit unclear to me what this line is saying grammatically

Phrasing & Figurative Language
I think that this part was one of the strongest sections of your piece:

"And I called it drowning
Two years ago I learned how to hold a conversation
Merely swallowing back the barrage of insecurity"

Gotta say, i am not really a fan of poem myself.
But this poem is somehow relate-able and i can feel your 'soul' when you write this.
The part "I know i can make it, tomorrow, the day after' are inspiring me for some reason. Another plus point from me.
Love this!

This was so good I wish I could give it another star.