Don't Run With Scissors

Hey! So this is a really interesting topic. It was a really funny poem about a little boy. Anyway. It had a good flow to it and it was organized with it's rhyming pattern. It had an interesting (and kinda predictable) ending, with the boy falling on the scissors. It was kinda short so there's not that much to say about it. It was a good poem and it had nice dialogue, so good job. Maybe be more descriptive or just in general make the poem longer. I don't know. Keep writing <3

Sarah24

Hello!
This is hilarious! Truly HILARIOUS! I only have one little suggestion...

"With a turn poorly planned, he proved cause for my worry."

This seems a bit long, and it messes up your rhythm a little bit. Maybe you could shorten it-

"With a turn poorly planned - I was right to worry."

I know that's a little bad... So if you can't shorten that, I suggest making the first line longer, like CaptainSaltWater mentioned. Anyway, overall this was a great poem! Keep it up!
~Snazzy
Stay Awesome

This has a very cute rhyming scheme which reminds me a little of two lyrics stitched together. I really liked the format and how all the lines fit perfectly - a humorous poem with a serious message. I also like the use of speech as it makes the poem more story like as if you are telling the tale to all those who think that they can escape fate that lies at the end of the line. The idea that it is funny about something terrible just makes it more funny since you are smiling at the fact that someone had just accidentally killed himself with stupidity - making it all the more memorable. In fact you don't even mention his death, the reader just automatically assumes it since you use the word impaled which is thought of as something that would be associated with death. Overall this was a fun little read and I would love to read more like it . -Marshymallow

Hello there! CaptainSaltWater here with a review!

This is great in many ways. You can easily tell the AABB rhyme scheme. They are very simple rhymes which makes it great. The emotion makes it great. There are a bit of things that need improved though. See this line,


He fell on the scissors, impaled for his folly.

Instead, I would put an exclamation mark at the end like so,

He fell on the scissors, impaled for his folly!


And the first line in the second stanza,

“Don’t run with scissors, it’s dangerous!” I cried.

I would add a little more to it like this.

“Don’t run with scissors, it’s just too dangerous!” I cried.


Saying "It's just dangerous," makes it sound very blunt, boring, and cliche. Add some life to that part. Also, the asterisk in the middle is unnecessary. I would just take that out immediately. Otherwise, good job! I want to read more of your poetry. Don't give up and always write, Authorian!

-CaptainSalty

Hello, I'm Ashkitten and I'm here to review this piece. I will talk about the stuff that I think needs improvement first and then I will go on to say what I like about it.

Looks like all the flaws have already been caught by other reviews so I won't waste my time on that.

Loved it. I love the dark humor. I love that it's short and to the "point." Pun intended. Lol I also loved that even though it was short, it had a moral and a story. It said a lot in not a lot of words, which is hard to do. Thank you for sharing this and I look forward to reading more of your writing.

Hey Authorian~

This reminded me of when teachers tell kids not to throw paper airplanes because they'll poke somebody's eye out. xD It's disturbing that anyone would think that to be funny, but the irony is, well, ironic. You did a good job with it.

This piece is fairly short, and I'm sorry to say that this review might not be the longest either. You hardly have anything to fix but a few small and easily rectifiable errors.

"Scissors in hand, he raced down the stairs,
Down the hall and past me, unawares.
I turned as he sprinted, his goal soon at hand,
But I knew that caution was not heeded as he ran."

The second line doesn't roll of the tongue, and skews the rhyme scheme. You need a two syllable word before "unawares" I think. Maybe this would make it sound slightly better:

"Scissors is hand, he raced down the stairs,
Down the hall and past me, reckless, unawares."

What do you think?

Otherwise, the only little problem I see with the first stanza is when you say, "his goal soon at hand". Yeah, it technically kind of sort of makes sense in a way...but I'm here to critique your work, so I'll give you a suggestion. You could make it more specific, and do:

"I turned as he sprinted, his goal the box of crayons,"

Or change your word sequencing so it makes a little more sense.

The dialogue in your third stanza really draws the reader in! Nice going with that one. Sounds like the standard thing that his mother or older sister would say, and then the ignorant response of the younger boy. In the second line, I think changing "It'll be fine" to "It's fine" would improve the speed of your poem and make the rhyme a little smoother.

"With a turn poorly planned, he proved cause for my worry.
He fell on the scissors, impaled for his folly."

Whoa, where did the rhyme scheme go? "Worry" and "folly" don't rhyme. It messes with the whole thing. The word usage is good, but if the rhyme scheme totally falls off at the end, than the poem doesn't coalesce. Maybe instead of, "impaled for his folly", you could do, "impaled in his hurry"? I'm not sure. But when you fix that, the whole thing will come together much nicer.

Also, as a side note, I think a semi colon would be slightly a better choice of punctuation than the period at the end of "worry".

You did a nice job of making the idea of "disobedience and repercussion" a satirical concept. Karma is a subject that could convey many different emotions, so it uses work to ensure that the meaning of your poem isn't misinterpreted. Great job! This did get a laugh out of me!

Sorry for this exceedingly short review.

Yours,
Savvy

Hello Tuesday here for a review. i like to begin that this is humorous (in a painful way) and somehow could be related since my teacher ran with scissors and stabbed herself to where it left a nasty scar on her chest. Also even though this is short in size, it has a tone of warning or in a sense, humorous warning (if that makes sense). Plus I think this poem has a rhyming scheme.

Nitpick(s):

Down the hall and past me, unawares

With a turn poorly planned

Ooh painful!! :p

Really this is short and to the point, I would've loved it if you hadn't rushed through
But maybe you like it this way, so *claps*

yaaayy to the rhyme. I can't rhyme so well, so I liked this. Simple but nice. I liked how you framed the lines.

It was too plain, don't you think? But it has its own version to it, so GOOD JOB.

Stay blessed.
xoxo